I am with my family – Mom, Dad and brother. I walk through a living room to get to a far closet that is fairly spacious. I think it may have two doors to it, reaching the same room. Inside are a bunch of mainly young adult books.
I remember at work they are asking for children’s books (this is a fact in the waking world), and these seem to be in great condition! I wonder if they are too old for the intended targets.
I focus on a few of them. One seems to be ”featured”. It is very tall and wide, I cannot determine its thickness. It is the final book in a series.
I look for another series in this place. At first I think I am looking for “The Dark is Rising” series (fact in waking world) but I find another instead.
This series feels very familiar in the Dream World but upon waking I cannot place it. It starts out where fairly soon in the book, a wizard comes to a secluded village. He knows he has four potentials for a chosen one, but they must all participate in a test so he can be sure of which one is the true chosen one. Hs wants these four to go on a separate quest for him to find a super rare flower that only grows every 1,000 years. But the elder, who is also a father, is furious at the wizard. He has no time for silly games, this is the festival day that is used to celebrate the woman- and man -hood, and at the same time gather flowers that grow only every 100 years, which can in turn be used in the land for medicinal purposes not only to help the sick, but also as the one time when the village can get the most trade and coin. So he cannot spare even one young adult, let alone four, to this crazy old man’s reliance on a prophecy spoken so many generations before with no threat at all. The father gets very angry about it. The wizard is preparing himself to deal with this set back.
Something is wrong. So, I come out to see what it is. Something is very wrong and it is centering on my mother. She is very emotionally upset. My dad doesn’t know what to do and seems unable to get her to forget her problems; she will not listen to him any more. He later says to me incredulously and helplessly that he even saw her drawing a picture with her and her lover on a far away island.
Meanwhile, I had already sensed there was too much wrong here for me to fix or be able to deal with, so I was looking to leave.
I am in my room. Someone is helping me to pack and encouraging me to leave and helping me to decide things for myself. Someone older than me by a decade or more was giving me tips and stuff, very helpful. I was scared and unsure of what to do, but he was very helpful and at the same time did not feel manipulating like my father or an emotional train wreck like my mom. There was one item that was like a piece of clothing, but you could turn it inside out and it became a kind of duffle bag. I turned it both ways, ending with the bag version, and used that to pack.
It is near time for me to go to school or work (I forget which it is) and I want to sneak this packed bag into my car. Thank God I have a car, I think to myself. If anyone notices, they do not say anything … except my brother. He seems to realize I may be leaving and not returning home, he wonders if there is any way we could contact each other if we had to do so. I hesitate. I consider giving him code words and an alias name, and my cell phone number; but I am unsure if this is such a good idea. He seems to be under the power still of my father. I walk away from him but I do not think I gave him that information, but I could have.
Now I think I am back in the living room with the book closet, but it also seems like a different room. For one ting, there are rows and rows of bookshelves here. I find a female. She is gorgeous, kind, smart, like an angel! She says I need to sneak away now while my father is pre-occupied with trying to work out what to do with his wife breaking free of his control and making a scene in front of other people. I don’t know why, but I decide to step through (duck under) a bookshelf from one side to the other. It is like stepping through a portal! It is odd because at the same time the bookshelf teeters and topples over but ALSO topples but remains standing with no problems. I settle on the upright one and continue out of the room. This female has had me pack a few books and things in here that I am very excited about. As I leave the room, I turn and she is gone.
I panic. I am sad. I feel stupid for feeling desperate and let down. She did help me and that should be enough. I feel conflict. I wanted to impress her and I just wanted to be happy with her showing me things. I felt intimidated by her because she is so smart and psychic and able to see the truth better than I can. I need to settle down and concentrate on the tasks at hand. So I can get out of this place and free myself from oppression and then be able to gather my energies and use my gifts!
I wonder if she will be in the car, waiting for me?
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
First Cute Girl With My New Car!
mood: ecstatic
why?
This pic:
She works with me. Her name is Deidre. She is my age, can you believe it! She has had 4 kids, can you believe THAT? Doesn't she look great!
She is my work friend XD She calls me over and gives me hugs
*_* (stars in my eyes lol)
Today I asked her out for lunch, she said yes, and we went. She loved my car! Everybody talks about how shiny and clean it is! How much zip it has!
AND it's cool how it can play from my iPod!
We got Chinese and talked. It was fun!
I saw her on Alz. unit later and chatted iwth her and her work-friends and her sis too.
oh! She says she may invite me out with her girlfriends. She says there are blondes, an asian, sisters and more.
wow
God IS Great!
Thank you Lord!
"Feeling beh-ter all the time" The Beatles
why?
This pic:
She works with me. Her name is Deidre. She is my age, can you believe it! She has had 4 kids, can you believe THAT? Doesn't she look great!
She is my work friend XD She calls me over and gives me hugs
*_* (stars in my eyes lol)
Today I asked her out for lunch, she said yes, and we went. She loved my car! Everybody talks about how shiny and clean it is! How much zip it has!
AND it's cool how it can play from my iPod!
We got Chinese and talked. It was fun!
I saw her on Alz. unit later and chatted iwth her and her work-friends and her sis too.
oh! She says she may invite me out with her girlfriends. She says there are blondes, an asian, sisters and more.
wow
God IS Great!
Thank you Lord!
"Feeling beh-ter all the time" The Beatles
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Poemzzz ~ Bullet Holes For Eyes (WIP)
a work in progress ... these ideas have been percolating in my head so I wanted to write them down before they faded, so enjoy the RAW unedited unfinished goodness:
Bullet holes for eyes
Leaking acid rain crocodile tears
Out your mouth come gun smoke
Instead of sexy wisdom
Your ears plugged up
with the echoing screams of we innocents
Napalm is your bile
Pain beasts your heart
The abused become their abusers
The oppressed become their enemies
Does it really have to be this way?
Not if everyone kills their ego and loves all
Bullet holes for eyes
Leaking acid rain crocodile tears
Out your mouth come gun smoke
Instead of sexy wisdom
Your ears plugged up
with the echoing screams of we innocents
Napalm is your bile
Pain beasts your heart
The abused become their abusers
The oppressed become their enemies
Does it really have to be this way?
Not if everyone kills their ego and loves all
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Dreamzzz ~ OBE of an Alternate Dad Life?
I am in bed. It is a luxurious large bed, but there is no canopy or anything.
The room itself seems white, but I don't sense many colors here. Like a glowing white.
Shining.
I am not ready to get out of bed yet.
I am ready for a woman's company, but no woman is here and no woman comes.
I seem to be handling this pretty well. My emotions and thoughts about this are there, but not overshadowing.
Someone like unto my Dad comes in. He says I have to get up now. I tell him I do not wish to I am not ready. I turn over away from him and pull the covers over my shoulder and close my eyes and let the negative emotions like frustration and anger dull out of me even when he is trying to exacerbate them. He storms off in a huff.
I settle back in bed semi-sleeping, wrapped in the luxury of the covers and the heavenly way the bed takes my body's weight. The sheets are so soft on my skin, the pillow the perfect balance between firmness and softness, and I have a dull almost non-existent smell that are so very calming and nice. I don't know what the smells are. There is light rose there for sure, but there are other smells too. Two others I feel.
Alone again, My readiness my randiness is out in the open, where is she? But no, I do not call for her or get too frustrated. She will come when she comes, I have waited this long I only need to wait a little longer. I take care of myself a little but, but only for the briefest of moments. Just adding to the luxury of the moment, just what feels good to add to this moment not in a sinful or hedonistic way but it just is.
Soon I drift back into a waking sleep, like a nap where you rest your eyes.
That is when someone comes in the door. A man-servent sent by my dad. Now he can't do it himself, he has to send a virtual slave of his. The man seems foreign, Latino-esque I guess? He is small, short, brown, has the briefest of a brushstroke of facial hair on his lip and a V shape of a soul patch. His hair is maybe 3-7 days growth from bald it's so short.
He is doing as he has been told. Coming to tell me I need to get up. It's policy. It's embarrassing and wrong for me to be still in bed. There are things that need to be done.
It is when he comes in that I almost have a feeling of place. I get the sense of "boat". But I feel no movement and so no other sense of this. It seems a large boat, so a cruise liner or a large yacht?
I tell him I do not have to do what my father says. He starts to protest. But I tell him he does not have to do what my father says either. He stops, goes quiet. Leaves teh room. He seems unsure. But I know he will not be back, he won't be browbeaten by my dad to come back and try again, so that is good.
The dream ends sometime after I go back to bed. Letting go of anxiety of not doing as my father wishes, accepting the sweet luxury of lying in bed as long as I wish not from defiance but because I feel like it, drifting off to a quiet restful sleep.
The room itself seems white, but I don't sense many colors here. Like a glowing white.
Shining.
I am not ready to get out of bed yet.
I am ready for a woman's company, but no woman is here and no woman comes.
I seem to be handling this pretty well. My emotions and thoughts about this are there, but not overshadowing.
Someone like unto my Dad comes in. He says I have to get up now. I tell him I do not wish to I am not ready. I turn over away from him and pull the covers over my shoulder and close my eyes and let the negative emotions like frustration and anger dull out of me even when he is trying to exacerbate them. He storms off in a huff.
I settle back in bed semi-sleeping, wrapped in the luxury of the covers and the heavenly way the bed takes my body's weight. The sheets are so soft on my skin, the pillow the perfect balance between firmness and softness, and I have a dull almost non-existent smell that are so very calming and nice. I don't know what the smells are. There is light rose there for sure, but there are other smells too. Two others I feel.
Alone again, My readiness my randiness is out in the open, where is she? But no, I do not call for her or get too frustrated. She will come when she comes, I have waited this long I only need to wait a little longer. I take care of myself a little but, but only for the briefest of moments. Just adding to the luxury of the moment, just what feels good to add to this moment not in a sinful or hedonistic way but it just is.
Soon I drift back into a waking sleep, like a nap where you rest your eyes.
That is when someone comes in the door. A man-servent sent by my dad. Now he can't do it himself, he has to send a virtual slave of his. The man seems foreign, Latino-esque I guess? He is small, short, brown, has the briefest of a brushstroke of facial hair on his lip and a V shape of a soul patch. His hair is maybe 3-7 days growth from bald it's so short.
He is doing as he has been told. Coming to tell me I need to get up. It's policy. It's embarrassing and wrong for me to be still in bed. There are things that need to be done.
It is when he comes in that I almost have a feeling of place. I get the sense of "boat". But I feel no movement and so no other sense of this. It seems a large boat, so a cruise liner or a large yacht?
I tell him I do not have to do what my father says. He starts to protest. But I tell him he does not have to do what my father says either. He stops, goes quiet. Leaves teh room. He seems unsure. But I know he will not be back, he won't be browbeaten by my dad to come back and try again, so that is good.
The dream ends sometime after I go back to bed. Letting go of anxiety of not doing as my father wishes, accepting the sweet luxury of lying in bed as long as I wish not from defiance but because I feel like it, drifting off to a quiet restful sleep.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Amber Heard
coincidence?
J rambles ... Amber Heard
Amber is almost the same age, just a few months younger, then Amber
coincidence?
Amber H. and Amber H.
Amber Heard?
Heard what, who, when?
let go
fall into the pool
to drown out the interference
the lies, the appointments, the desires of others
drown out the outer cries
that drown out your inner mercy
the truth and only the truth
lessen the lies
decrease the deception
save you to save yourself to save me to save myself
to save us all
Amber H Heard?
Heard what?
The Darkness or the Light or the Balance?
Amber
Heard
Only
Destiny's
Ghost
Explaining
Sin?
How
can
I know?
I can't, I don't.
YES Leave it
(if anybody can find the progressive video of this song, not this concert footage, let me know! it's trippy cool)
YES - Owner of a Lonely Heart
YES MAN starring Jim Carey
"yes Yes YES" sez Jozie in z pazt
J rambles ... Amber Heard
Amber is almost the same age, just a few months younger, then Amber
coincidence?
Amber H. and Amber H.
Amber Heard?
Heard what, who, when?
let go
fall into the pool
to drown out the interference
the lies, the appointments, the desires of others
drown out the outer cries
that drown out your inner mercy
the truth and only the truth
lessen the lies
decrease the deception
save you to save yourself to save me to save myself
to save us all
Amber H Heard?
Heard what?
The Darkness or the Light or the Balance?
Amber
Heard
Only
Destiny's
Ghost
Explaining
Sin?
How
can
I know?
I can't, I don't.
YES Leave it
(if anybody can find the progressive video of this song, not this concert footage, let me know! it's trippy cool)
YES - Owner of a Lonely Heart
YES MAN starring Jim Carey
"yes Yes YES" sez Jozie in z pazt
Monday, April 13, 2009
My New Poem ~ "Boxing Aeon"
Boxing Aeon
One of Many; Many in One
Curse me if you wish
Strike you I cut myself
Hate them hurt our heart
Instead, do your best
And watch our soul fly a little higher
We are each gods, aspects of the All
We do not see our own divinity
For it is not out there in their beauty
But inside your own lens
Your soul tells your body the painful truth
Let’s Light this grapevine like a Fuse
Fire the sour grapey whiners
Make them raisins of reason
Treasonous poison no more
No longer the truth they warp and abhor
Expand your collapsed boundaries
Like they were before the womb
We are infinity but we let them limit us
With their expectations that never expire
Only shape shift like a werewolf always hungry
Feel the frequencies of Truth and Love beating
Safe in the cave of our Angelhood
One of Many; Many in One
Curse me if you wish
Strike you I cut myself
Hate them hurt our heart
Instead, do your best
And watch our soul fly a little higher
We are each gods, aspects of the All
We do not see our own divinity
For it is not out there in their beauty
But inside your own lens
Your soul tells your body the painful truth
Let’s Light this grapevine like a Fuse
Fire the sour grapey whiners
Make them raisins of reason
Treasonous poison no more
No longer the truth they warp and abhor
Expand your collapsed boundaries
Like they were before the womb
We are infinity but we let them limit us
With their expectations that never expire
Only shape shift like a werewolf always hungry
Feel the frequencies of Truth and Love beating
Safe in the cave of our Angelhood
Friday, April 10, 2009
Great News From Work! =D
I've been so stressed and upset lately, gah!
Feeling unappreciated, and how unjust this world is, MAN!
So, I wrote a vent about that last night.
I was in a foul mood this morning, picked a confrontation (instead of fight, fight you may think bar brawl, lol, and I mean verbal gloves off confrontation) with the person first above me.
I was sick of things. I am sick of negative people, bullies!
Wel, that was rough, but it turned out OK in the end. We hugged! :)
Also, on Wednesday I had a rough day but it was full because i flirted with this gorgeous sexy woman at work and she responded right back and it was empowering :)
Then she didn't show up on Thursday, so I worried I'd made her uncomfortable.
So that was part of my shadow side lashing out.
Last night I was all like "this place is crap!"
"Look, God, I really like this girl, but if all I'm going to do is get teased and make us both uncomfortable or set up for a fall, what's the point of staying there? Should i stay or should I go?"
I was also fed up with that woman's negativity, sheesh! So that's what I started in on revealing Friday morn. A big risk, but I didn't care about the consequences.
Then, a surprise came! Later that morning, Robyn my BOSS boss came to see me, wondered why her calls weren't getting through. I looked at the phone, and saw the FORWARD button was on! hahaha, dur!
So, she asked me to come into the other empty room to talk to me.
oh shit I thought, I'm going to get punished again. Somehow.
I do not do well with females reprimanding me.
Reminds me of my mother.
Those times never went well.
I was confused, upset, guilty, defensive, and mostly confused.
So, I got defensive. I expected something bad.
I know I know ... working on it.
But, instead she told me I'm no longer a benefit-less PRN worker
but now a full-time benefits-bonanza worker!
yAy!
woo to the hoo!
So I was on a natural high the rest of the day!
oh wait, I forgot a great part!
Robyn said "let's go tell Beth" my under boss who is NOW my supervisor that I had a confrontation on purpose with this morning.
I said "OK, but let's play it at first as if I'm in big trouble with you, that I got fired/laid off/quit or something" and she said OK.
*cue evil grin*
so, that's how I played it! I totally got into it! I wonder if I should have tried out acting, it was great! And Robyn, I don't know how she did it, but she kept a straight face the whole time! She totally bought it, then I broke into a wide warm smile and told her the REAL news!
it was hilarious!
I can be SUCH a little stinker sometimes!
She thought I was quitting or something at first!
hee hee hee hee hee
ALSO, the girl that didn't show up Thursday was there today.
and I asked if she wanted to go out for lunch to celebrate!
She said to ask her sometime next week and she would try to find some time!
I'll take it!
Feeling unappreciated, and how unjust this world is, MAN!
So, I wrote a vent about that last night.
I was in a foul mood this morning, picked a confrontation (instead of fight, fight you may think bar brawl, lol, and I mean verbal gloves off confrontation) with the person first above me.
I was sick of things. I am sick of negative people, bullies!
Wel, that was rough, but it turned out OK in the end. We hugged! :)
Also, on Wednesday I had a rough day but it was full because i flirted with this gorgeous sexy woman at work and she responded right back and it was empowering :)
Then she didn't show up on Thursday, so I worried I'd made her uncomfortable.
So that was part of my shadow side lashing out.
Last night I was all like "this place is crap!"
"Look, God, I really like this girl, but if all I'm going to do is get teased and make us both uncomfortable or set up for a fall, what's the point of staying there? Should i stay or should I go?"
I was also fed up with that woman's negativity, sheesh! So that's what I started in on revealing Friday morn. A big risk, but I didn't care about the consequences.
Then, a surprise came! Later that morning, Robyn my BOSS boss came to see me, wondered why her calls weren't getting through. I looked at the phone, and saw the FORWARD button was on! hahaha, dur!
So, she asked me to come into the other empty room to talk to me.
oh shit I thought, I'm going to get punished again. Somehow.
I do not do well with females reprimanding me.
Reminds me of my mother.
Those times never went well.
I was confused, upset, guilty, defensive, and mostly confused.
So, I got defensive. I expected something bad.
I know I know ... working on it.
But, instead she told me I'm no longer a benefit-less PRN worker
but now a full-time benefits-bonanza worker!
yAy!
woo to the hoo!
So I was on a natural high the rest of the day!
oh wait, I forgot a great part!
Robyn said "let's go tell Beth" my under boss who is NOW my supervisor that I had a confrontation on purpose with this morning.
I said "OK, but let's play it at first as if I'm in big trouble with you, that I got fired/laid off/quit or something" and she said OK.
*cue evil grin*
so, that's how I played it! I totally got into it! I wonder if I should have tried out acting, it was great! And Robyn, I don't know how she did it, but she kept a straight face the whole time! She totally bought it, then I broke into a wide warm smile and told her the REAL news!
it was hilarious!
I can be SUCH a little stinker sometimes!
She thought I was quitting or something at first!
hee hee hee hee hee
ALSO, the girl that didn't show up Thursday was there today.
and I asked if she wanted to go out for lunch to celebrate!
She said to ask her sometime next week and she would try to find some time!
I'll take it!
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