Emo About Amber

Several months of repor, kind gestures, polite welcoming, gentle conversations .... all for naught.
I show her respect, I don't undress her with my eyes, i take chances like trying to share things with her and invite her to share with me, i take chances by showing her kind friendly gestures like giving her a CD mix (COMPLETE WITH an artsy hand-drawn title and the only copy of an original poem I wrote for her) and complimenting her and stuff, I am careful not to get information about her that she doesn't offer herself (like her last name and what car she drives) ...
I see that her eyes light up and she smiles at me and listens to me and doesn't make me feel like an ugly good-for-nothing dork, all I wanted for the CD mix was her first reaction and that was so amazing her eyes and smile kept getting bigger and bigger, and .... meh why go on.

All I wanted was a friend. Sure she's Super-Cute and alluring, but I can be fine just being friends and hanging out with her and sharing our lives as friends.

All I did was ask her out to lunch during work. That's it, that's the straw that broke the camel's back? That's so innocuous! I mean ... it's a quick meal in the middle of stressful take-over-mind work, a short time to talk and be in each others company. It is certainly NOT a date or anything to fear or avoid. Or kill a burgeoning friendship over.
Even if she is only 23, even if she has a boyfriend, even if there is talk of marriage, even if she goes to a Restoration Branch (Mormon) church and I don't, even if part of us finds the other intriguing .... I don't see how it can lead to this.

She's ignoring me in the hallways, she now finds a way to be in a small group of people, she will sometimes literally turn her body away from me, she won't talk to me or acknowledge me in any way.
It's as if I've done something unforgivably horrible to her. Insulted her somehow. I am being completely honest here when I say I don't know what. I've always talked to her with respect and attention, everybody else at work can attest to my nature! I do admit I think she's Super-Cute. I do admit she has an intriguing shape to her body. But, like, I don't lust after her, I just noticed, it's human nature to notice and appreciate beauty.

Look, I'm different. I am not the usual horn-dog male. I actually wish I was MORE masculine in my psyche if that makes any sense. But, I'm still a straight male, so I don't see why I have to apologize or explain why sometimes I notice and a female's body and like what I see. It's quite natural. It's the way GOD made us both. I did NOT drool over her as I looked over her body as we talked or anything! I looked her in the EYES. THE EYES!

I never hit on her, I never made any advances, I never made any references to sex even a double entendre, I have literally never even touched her! I mean it, I have never ever touched her. Not in any way, not even a friendly way or helpful way.

I've been a good boy.

God led me to her and the feeling I got was
she doesn't have enough space for you in her world
It seems appropriate that her name is Amber ... a clear prison for insects made out of the life force of trees which means the WORLD for how else do we stay in the WORLD but by our blood/sap life force? But, that's just it. It is such a pretty prison, and you can see through it and people can see you through it too. I think I'm showing her the bars and that scared her. I think she thinks I am in competition for her affections. Honestly, I think the girl likes me and is confused. I tend to shake up your world :p SO, I wonder ... is she afraid of the truth?
Anyways ... I THINK maybe I was trying to expand her world for her so she wasn't so trapped in the prison of her lies and ignorance, not for ME we'd only be friends and for how long?
no, I did it for GOD
I am sad this friendship is failing not just for ME, I'm a minor player, but for HER soul, and for GOD's plan!

But ... she's so aggravating! So closed off, she holds her cards close to her chest. I wonder if she's been abused? Was she sexually molested as a child by a family member? Was she emotionally or psychologically abused? Were the other girls mean to her out of jealousy of her beauty? Has her church brainwashed her that much?

I mean, how CHILDISH and IGNORANT can you get?

I'm not going to be too emo, still, it hurts. Sorry if you think that's WEAK but it's not, it's me, like it or not.
It's not being needy or desperate or living in lala land either.
and I want to remind you that you are not responsible for my happiness.
Only I am.
But, I do appreciate you cheering me up and keeping me on my path XD

So, fill this with comments about how ZOMG JOYGASM awesome I really am :p

Because I owe so much to GOD for leading us together, all my friends!
I love you all!!!
*hugs*
just as I love my enemies, too!
*kissies*
even if they piss me off and make me cry and frustrate me with their childish ignorant stupidity that just makes me STOMP and THROW and GRR and PACE in flustrated agonized caring for their souls.
so sue me for caring! I am me and that's OK!


PS ~ THESE ARE PICS I TOOK MYSELF, but not recently. I took them years ago when Jozie and I didn't get to meet ... again. I felt like such a failure, I felt ... deflated. I've never looked or felt like that before or after in my life.
But now Jozie and I are talking again, so yAy!
I guess I put it up with this one to like, talk to myself, and show myself that the bumps in the road don't make up the whole road, and that I can survive heartbreak by continuing to care for new and old friends alike!