I've been neglecting this, sowi

I'm not sure what to say here now that I've started it.

Well, for one thing, I wish I weren't here.
Seriously, I'm not supposed to be here. I haven't enough tools to do what I'm here to do. I want to be freed like Neo from the Matrix, but pulled into a better place.

What if the next world is worse than this one? I mean "heaven". What if it is actually all one big "hell" like place? What if THIS life only feels like hell, but the next life is worse? What is this life is actually a kind of training ground for the next place? If we train wrong, it affects what we get out of the place when we're dead to this world? That makes sense when you see that all these spiritual people throughout the ages are trying to give us sacred secrets and telling us to love everyone even our enemies (and who is our greatest enemies but ourselves? Our fears, hypocrisies, denials, control or be controlled attitudes, our grand deceptions).

So, I want to be here, I just want to know even more and be deceived even less. I want to be more aware. I want it to be OK for me to be selfish for awhile as I heal myself as in I want to be appreciated and seen for what I have and can offer and I want to be allowed to feel and think as I may want but I want that to not linger too long as to cause me or others harm. I want to just BE.
I want to be satisfied with myself and I want to have a girlfriend that supports that and we can be partners that can have fun and love and care for each other but aren't trying to change the other person. I mean change the other person in ways that are from deception and do more harm than good. I don't know how to word it.

well, it is almost time for me to go to work. I have no idea what this entry was for. It looks weird to me, and I don't know how real it is to how i feel right now.

I mean, things are going well. The job is great, I am keeping my 40 hours so far. Everybody seems to like me there, it's weird, I have trouble accepting it.

Turns out the girl I'm interested in is 24. oh my! Now she's ignoring me in the halls when she is around other people! How rude! What, I embarrass her now? well, I know another worker who knows her so I can get the inside scoop, wha-hahaha! And this other girl is my friend, so she's on my side, so hahaha. And I'll just not go talk to this girl in her office for a week and I'll ignore her in the hallways too. I know more people and people know me better than they know her, so she is playing a game she cannot win! God is protecting me and I'm not to be trifled with!!!