human BEing

PoemZZZ ~ "Sheetless Ghosts"

2011-10-09T19:13:00.001-05:00

Sheetless GhostsBy John TrueEverybody is nobodyWhen it comes to staying close.Everyone has barriers;But nobody like me.Nobody blocks like I do;I do it by being lovingThe best I canWith limited training(Mostly trained in it's opposite).But I will not be anti!Why is hypocrisy so easy;And balance in truth so hard?Tell it like it is!Immune to poisoned preachersAnd venomous blood.Society is an organ grinder.Hypnotizes with it's musicAs it makes us sheetless ghosts.Graves forever flowerless,Deeds undone by chaos,Love lost in lies(Mainly the lies we tell ourselvesIn order to keep our addictionOr appearences to Others alive).So maybe I will dis-appearAnd I will dis-appointAnd I will be dis-saneJust as I am dis-jointedand dis-illusionedYou can't dis meI do it too well myself.

Great Work Review ... finally!

2011-10-01T18:54:00.002-05:00

This work review matches much closer to what I've been trying to do!And I get a raise!Praise and raise, w00t w00t!Still complaining about my time management ... ugh *rolls eyes*

Tired

2011-09-25T16:19:00.001-05:00

Tired, bored, meh!

The Chemelion

2011-08-27T07:18:00.000-05:00

I am the chameleon without the chem
without the sham
the lion being tamed
All that is left is e
e for everyone to put their image onto my canvas
before my own paint is even dry

TruthSeeking

2011-08-14T15:29:00.000-05:00

I have a BA in psychology, a minor in English and a second minor in cultural anthropology. So anthropological matters are a great interest of mine, even surprising ones like Robert Temple's "The Sirius Mystery" and more. But admittedly I am a one who is neither a believer nor a debunker. I am somewhere in the middle. Stubborn yes, but still flexible enough to be able to change my view with proper logic and evidence. Otherwise I just "live and let live", I have many ideas in limbo like that. I don't see ideas as life-and-death stitching upon my skin, they are just interpretations of matters. I find from my psychology interest the individual interpretations intriguing. So, often I seem contractible in-between those two views (listening to other views and not adhering to them, but seeing them as the expression of an individual, while at the same time my want to not be deceived and search for the truth).

I can seem naive at times. I can upset people with conflict over what is the truth (which is a personal matter, a preference, not simply facts). I can be quite intuitive and smart! I can be patient and a good mentor/teacher. But I can also be impatient and counter to an individuals (and my own) natural progression. Yes, no matter my sweet smile and caring nature and live-and-let-live attitude, I do have quite the dark side!
I have had to learn to see that and try to back off when needed. Sometimes this involves not just a blow to my ego, but actual harm to myself in order to not harm another's belief system.
I just have this over riding want to not have people be trapped in deception, to be at their best. But that can come across as authoritative and abrasive.
Which is why I love talking to people, but I am alone other wise. I don't hang out with people after work or the weekends. I might go visit a friend, but for I tend to stick to myself.

Right now ... I need to figure out if I am:
A) stuck in a rut
or
B) right where I am supposed to be according to my individual Progression.

Therefore I wish I had more access to who I am what i can do. To angels/guides/my own Path and gifts or whatever. I need the kind of guidance that can get past my horns-forward defense! I can guffaw at suggestions often good ones .. like to get an exercise routine going and get health care.

I care more in my heart than anything my head or mouth (fingers) can do to help.

2011-08-14T10:24:00.000-05:00

I am an idiot. I care more in my heart than anything my head or mouth (fingers) can do to help.

I don't know what else to say, but I need to give this context.
So you know this is real, and not depression or a pity party or insanity or whatever.

But I don't want to add anything else right now, I want to talk less, be more.

Where Are You?

2010-08-14T15:58:00.000-05:00

Why have you forsaken me?
Why do you keep teasing me?
Why is it right when we are getting closer,
You pull away the farthest you can?
Patience is NOT a virtue!
Good things do NOT come to those that wait!
You promised me.
You said forever.
Where is your love now?

God, I'm breaking up with you.
You are nothing
But a false promise and an abuser.
I'll give you another chance,
But you are on a short leash.
You have only yourself to blame for this.
All you have to do is your part
And you fail me at every turn.
Simply teasing me with a few snippets.
But, what you know I need the most, you keep on a yo yo
Stringing it out in front of me,
And then yanking it back
Right when I think I can safely
Make a grab for it.
You KNOW how mean and counter-productive that is
But still you do it anyway.

I'm tired of this.
You've made things worse not better.
I will be 40 in May
A Generation according to Hebrews.
A Generation is going to pass before I get Love?
That's insane and just plain MEAN!
I don't care if you made the mountains and the oceans
STOP BRAGGING
Mountains and oceans have nothing to do with my life,
Just as it had nothing to do with Job's life.

You are nothing but a torturer and a traitor
To your own Creation.
You can't even pay proper attention to
What is going on down here.
Why do so many things about us SURPRISE you?
YOU made us, why can't you figure us out?
This world has just gotten worse and worse and You blame us.
Well, I blame the real source ... YOU.

found her again, vent over, only great love remains

2009-08-02T21:35:00.005-05:00

I am replacing the last negative vent with this one

because what I feel the most is relief and love

so, I hope you were not put off too much by the former entry

Only someone I truly love can make me so passionate! so emotional
Only someone I care for the most, no matter what, can elicit so many strong emotions from me!

That's what you should take from what I am now replacing with LOVE

L ookie Jozie returnies!
O 'er the expanse of time and space
V ery much yes is the answer to "Do I want to talk to you again?"
E very day without you is worthless and excruciating

First Cute Girl With My New Car!

2009-05-24T19:34:00.002-05:00

mood: ecstatic

why?

This pic:

She works with me. Her name is Deidre. She is my age, can you believe it! She has had 4 kids, can you believe THAT? Doesn't she look great!

She is my work friend XD She calls me over and gives me hugs
*_* (stars in my eyes lol)
Today I asked her out for lunch, she said yes, and we went. She loved my car! Everybody talks about how shiny and clean it is! How much zip it has!
AND it's cool how it can play from my iPod!
We got Chinese and talked. It was fun!
I saw her on Alz. unit later and chatted iwth her and her work-friends and her sis too.

oh! She says she may invite me out with her girlfriends. She says there are blondes, an asian, sisters and more.
wow
God IS Great!

Thank you Lord!

"Feeling beh-ter all the time" The Beatles

Poemzzz ~ Bullet Holes For Eyes (WIP)

2009-05-23T12:04:00.005-05:00

a work in progress ... these ideas have been percolating in my head so I wanted to write them down before they faded, so enjoy the RAW unedited unfinished goodness:

Bullet holes for eyes
Leaking acid rain crocodile tears
Out your mouth come gun smoke
Instead of sexy wisdom
Your ears plugged up
with the echoing screams of we innocents

Napalm is your bile
Pain beasts your heart
The abused become their abusers
The oppressed become their enemies
Does it really have to be this way?
Not if everyone kills their ego and loves all

Amber Heard

2009-04-23T21:56:00.002-05:00

coincidence?
J rambles ... Amber Heard
Amber is almost the same age, just a few months younger, then Amber
coincidence?
Amber H. and Amber H.
Amber Heard?
Heard what, who, when?
let go
fall into the pool
to drown out the interference
the lies, the appointments, the desires of others
drown out the outer cries
that drown out your inner mercy
the truth and only the truth
lessen the lies
decrease the deception
save you to save yourself to save me to save myself
to save us all

Amber H Heard?
Heard what?
The Darkness or the Light or the Balance?
Amber
Heard
Only
Destiny's
Ghost
Explaining
Sin?

How
can
I know?

I can't, I don't.

YES Leave it

(if anybody can find the progressive video of this song, not this concert footage, let me know! it's trippy cool)

YES - Owner of a Lonely Heart

YES MAN starring Jim Carey

"yes Yes YES" sez Jozie in z pazt

My New Poem ~ "Boxing Aeon"

2009-04-13T19:01:00.004-05:00

Boxing Aeon

One of Many; Many in One
Curse me if you wish
Strike you I cut myself
Hate them hurt our heart
Instead, do your best
And watch our soul fly a little higher

We are each gods, aspects of the All
We do not see our own divinity
For it is not out there in their beauty
But inside your own lens
Your soul tells your body the painful truth

Let’s Light this grapevine like a Fuse
Fire the sour grapey whiners
Make them raisins of reason
Treasonous poison no more
No longer the truth they warp and abhor

Expand your collapsed boundaries
Like they were before the womb
We are infinity but we let them limit us
With their expectations that never expire
Only shape shift like a werewolf always hungry
Feel the frequencies of Truth and Love beating
Safe in the cave of our Angelhood

Great News From Work! =D

2009-04-10T17:45:00.000-05:00

I've been so stressed and upset lately, gah!
Feeling unappreciated, and how unjust this world is, MAN!
So, I wrote a vent about that last night.
I was in a foul mood this morning, picked a confrontation (instead of fight, fight you may think bar brawl, lol, and I mean verbal gloves off confrontation) with the person first above me.
I was sick of things. I am sick of negative people, bullies!
Wel, that was rough, but it turned out OK in the end. We hugged! :)

Also, on Wednesday I had a rough day but it was full because i flirted with this gorgeous sexy woman at work and she responded right back and it was empowering :)
Then she didn't show up on Thursday, so I worried I'd made her uncomfortable.
So that was part of my shadow side lashing out.

Last night I was all like "this place is crap!"
"Look, God, I really like this girl, but if all I'm going to do is get teased and make us both uncomfortable or set up for a fall, what's the point of staying there? Should i stay or should I go?"

I was also fed up with that woman's negativity, sheesh! So that's what I started in on revealing Friday morn. A big risk, but I didn't care about the consequences.

Then, a surprise came! Later that morning, Robyn my BOSS boss came to see me, wondered why her calls weren't getting through. I looked at the phone, and saw the FORWARD button was on! hahaha, dur!
So, she asked me to come into the other empty room to talk to me.
oh shit I thought, I'm going to get punished again. Somehow.
I do not do well with females reprimanding me.
Reminds me of my mother.
Those times never went well.
I was confused, upset, guilty, defensive, and mostly confused.
So, I got defensive. I expected something bad.
I know I know ... working on it.
But, instead she told me I'm no longer a benefit-less PRN worker
but now a full-time benefits-bonanza worker!

yAy!
woo to the hoo!

So I was on a natural high the rest of the day!

oh wait, I forgot a great part!
Robyn said "let's go tell Beth" my under boss who is NOW my supervisor that I had a confrontation on purpose with this morning.
I said "OK, but let's play it at first as if I'm in big trouble with you, that I got fired/laid off/quit or something" and she said OK.
*cue evil grin*
so, that's how I played it! I totally got into it! I wonder if I should have tried out acting, it was great! And Robyn, I don't know how she did it, but she kept a straight face the whole time! She totally bought it, then I broke into a wide warm smile and told her the REAL news!
it was hilarious!
I can be SUCH a little stinker sometimes!
She thought I was quitting or something at first!
hee hee hee hee hee

ALSO, the girl that didn't show up Thursday was there today.
and I asked if she wanted to go out for lunch to celebrate!
She said to ask her sometime next week and she would try to find some time!
I'll take it!

I'm Tired Of This Place

2009-04-09T17:25:00.002-05:00

I'm so tired of this place. This manipulated illusion. It is not balanced, it is not fair, there is no justice. If there is a God, then why isn't he/she/it doing anything about balance? Why can't we create a lasting permanent peace? We could be living in a really nice place full of spiritual growth, truth, love, and no persecution. Instead we live in a place where Starfire Tor is pondering writing blogs on all the kinds of people that ARE persecuted here.

I hate this place. It's stressful and there is a soul virus going on that corrupts us all. There is a worm manipulating TimeLines and Reality in order to get what it wants and to prevent us truthful loving hard-working people from getting very far. WHY? Because we are persecuted. I have been persecuted my entire life, by pretty much everybody. Friends, peers, family, possible love interests, authority figures, and complete strangers. Am I persecuted because of my skin gender religion etc etc? No, I've been persecuted whenever I've told the truth or wanted to search out the truth or simply questioned. I've actually been persecuted for looking younger and being "smaller" than everybody else. My dad held me back in first grade not for scholastic reasons or bad behavior, but to "grow up" not because of my maturity level but because of my outer LOOKS! When was looking younger than you are something to be persecuted against? When was having a different but normal muscular-skeletal structure that made you seem smaller (I was not a runt, it's hard to describe, I don't know how to describe it because to me it's just me and it didn't look abnormal at all).
I've been persecuted for lifting people's spirits, bringing joy into a room and lightening up a place. For trying to be a nice sweet funny smart gentleman, I get women who persecute against wanting to date or stay with me for very long. They all want the bad boys, the criminals, the socialites, etc. I admit I am not that worldly, I'm more Wordly.
I'm persecuted against for being different. Doing my own thing, taking my time, observing, sensing patterns, thinking some things may actually be true (TimeShifts, crop circles, UFOs, aliens, alien abductions, evidence of civilization on our other planets, big foot, cutting edge researchers like William Henry Starfire Tor Maurice Cotterell, Freddy Silva, Andrew Collins Christopher Dunn's Giza Power Plant, Moustaffa Gadalla's Egyptian books, Atlantis, 2012, PSIence, ghosts, Lawrence Gardner, "Misquoting Jesus" "Magdalene Legacy" "JESUS The Man", "Holy Blood Holy Grail" and other books that question religious dogma, etc), for making mistakes misjudgments miscalculations being clumsy being stubborn being an imperfect human trying his best to be honest and loving, and just in general trying to express my soul.
That's the thing. I can't express myself as my pure heart, as my naked soul.

WHAT IS THE POINT OF BEING TRAPPED IN A PLACE WHERE WE CANNOT BE OURSELVES AS OUR PURE HEARTS OR NAKED SOULS??????????????????????????????

Angels, fairies, whatever god is if it is anything, help us please! There are some of us trying to save the world like Starfire Tor. There are others like us on ID trying to wake up and help too.

I'm so upset at being continuously stressed, frustrated, flustered, attacked, ignored, misunderstood, misused, abused, teased, seduced, laughed at, drowned out, taken advantage of, confused, confounded, stopped, feeling defensive, rarely becoming short with people, once in a great while lashing out, being bored, depressed, angry, irate, near-driver's rage, wanting to rant, feeling unappreciated, not wanting to talk to my friends, feeling persecuted, worthless, unconfident, not loving myself as in knowing myself, risking being hypocritical and so on and so forth that this crazy evil greedy unjust deceptive world does to me. To us all.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S GOOD AND HOLY MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP
CEASE AND DESIST ALL EVIL ACTIVITIES
ALL WE ARE SAYING ... IS GIVE US THE VORTEX PEACE PRAYER NOW AND FOREVER

Moviezzz ~ After Dark Features

2009-01-10T00:12:00.003-06:00

I saw two horror movies back to back tonight.

The first one had some interesting things in it.
It is called "From Within"
What is good, what is evil?
What is light, what is darkness?
What is right, what is wrong?

good can do bad and bad can do good
the light is in the dark and the dark is in the light
do the right thing for the wrong reasons and the wrong thing for the right reasons

I really like the music. So many movies, so many horror movies with music, and yet the musical moments in this film worked and seemed fresh.
How old were these people supposed to be?
I liked the acting each person was in their character.
I liked the little moments, the beginning and ending montage.

***

The second movie was The Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations.
I saw 1, but not 2, so I am going to have to watch that some time.
It was good, had some interesting things in it, but ... I'll give it a 1/2.

Of the two I liked "from within" more.
Lots of neat stuff in it that I can't talk about or I'll spoil the movie.

P.S.
I forgot to mention one other important matter: nudity in these movies.
Another reason I preferred "from within" over the other is because be3 had nudity and fw did not. fw had plenty of chances to have nudity, but it chose the higher road and did not. why horror movies in particular feel like just because they have license to do violence they also have it to do nudity/sexual situations as well is beyond me.
I was really put off by the totally unnecessary and exploitative method of nudity/sex in be3!
SAG (Screen Actors Guild) should really do it's job and stand up for females and do something about this, it's gotten way out of hand! Why won't they do anything? They think it's "censorship" or that the ratings system saves them, or the audience wants it?
bah, it's so stupid!

Wakey wakey, smiley smiley, dancey dancey! =D

2009-01-03T12:24:00.003-06:00

Wheee!
Playful
in the moment
hopeful
loving
improvising
creative
clever
funny
attractive
burning away the negative
flirty but not gross
giving, accepting
BEing
in the moment
smiling
no fear, anxiety, feeling as if I'm weird or wrong, no consequences, no punishment
no rewards but for how the moment feels

My X-mas

2008-12-28T13:24:00.004-06:00

I had to work all that week.
A co-worker invited me to go to his wife's mother's house for Christmas dinner.
Sometimes new is good, sometimes different is better.
They are a quiet undertoe of a mess ... these people.
But I'm not gonna get into that. Who amoungst us isn't?
The food was good and filling. That is sometimes what it about, really about
communion between strangers, even amongst differing philosophies
but done in a non-combative positive manner.
a neutral manner.

We had shrimp that were so big they cannot be called shrimp
potatoes cut and cooked with them
green bean casserole
steak
corn on the cob
dinner roll
:)

I missed the big blow out when someone's grandfather surprised them by showing up and an uncle came in saw him and pretty much turned right around and left.
Apparently those two do not get along ... at all.
I know the feeling
I wished to avoid that by not going to my family's thing.
The TV was on. Is the TV ever off in the American home? For very long?
Some kind of monitor will be on, some kind of machinery will be running.
We saw Back to the Future 2 and many parts of Holiday Inn (Black & White).

So far I have not received a card from my family. That was good. Trying to get me to feel guilty with their cards. I am not done with my anger and betrayal and simple shaking my head at their souls antics yet. I admit this. When will I be done? I do not know. I spent many many years being in the middle of it. I don't base this on anything simple or surface. Which is why I am still not healed from it. And, even so, I don't see why I must be with them ever again anyway. It's a social convention which I see no reason to emulate.

Just to do as society says is not anything to do with God's Will.

I did get cards from my co-workers. Who have known me for just a month shy of a year. I also got gifts from some. Which was very nice. Not the things, but the thoughts.
I got 3 hats from one person, a tub of made candy, 2 coffee mugs, and 2 books.

Thanksgiving came late this year, later than many years up till now.
And this ridiculous and completely unavoidable recession hit
and I'm not sure it's that
but this Holiday Season is far different than any I've seen in decades.
It feels as if sucked by a vampire.

It's Not Slipper-EEEE!

2008-12-19T07:07:00.003-06:00

http://www.printactivities.com/ColoringPages/Winter/slip_on_ice.html

Seeker's True(ly) Hilarious Moment # ... well we stopped counting a long time ago (chuckle): So, I go out to start my car this morning, and I am walking on the apartment sidewalk, and I think this -- "This won't be so bad, the sidewalks aren't even slipper-" EEEE! Then I slip and loose my balance and fall forwards and catch myself with my hand and softly with one knee. :D:D:D:D You would have DIED laughing if you had seen me! Nobody saw me do that, darn it! I SLIPPED ON THE WORD SLIPPERY! I EVEN WENT EEEEE OUT LOUD MAKING THE Y SOUND OF SLIPPERY! HOW PERFECTLY HILARIOUS IS THAT?

Remember the Amy Lee music video for "Broken"?

2008-12-07T15:40:00.005-06:00

When we were talking one day, we were looking at random videos. I forget who found this first, Jozie or I, but I've loved it ever since. Gets me every time:

"Broken (feat. Amy Lee)"

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me, here anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

[x2]
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore

Amber Believes Them Instead of Her Heart

2008-12-06T12:12:00.003-06:00

What I foresaw with Amber, what I tried to prevent, happened anyway.
She has chosen poisoners over me.
With their lies and innuendos.
So that my boss had to come see me to tell me about these razor sharp rumors fling around cutting all the strings I places to support the truth.
Mayhap what I did to try tp do to prevent it created it?
NO
It was always her choice, she is choosing to listen to them and live in fear.
To care what others think of her.
To follow them.
Always following others thoughts and feelings
not her own.
She is a slave to her church and family.

I was afraid of this.

Is this just another failed rescue mission?
Did I do my part at least?
Or did I just plain fail.

NO, I don't hate her. How can I? I don't blame her. It's OK. I worry more about her than I.

She is in more trouble than I thought if she is so eager to please the majority of people that are being mean to her/deceiving her than simply accept the truth of friendship of one person.

Her real troubles are just starting if she doesn't soon learn the truth.

Please. Light, Good, Balance; help me figure out how to handle this? thanks!

Still Missing You, Megony

2008-11-21T23:23:00.000-06:00

Since you like altered books, this link goes with this:
http://karenswhimsy.com/altered-books/moon-art.htm

Mooning Over You
Dedicated to Jozie

Pages torn from me
Two pairs took them
Ripped them to shreds
But I keep a shred of hope
That that was what was meant to be

Hidden bitten into the apple
Happiness from pain
I learn to live again
I resurrect myself
As I recall our interaction
Together we will rise above the dust
Living mummies, zombies made whole
We will rewind the curse
Magically mystically spiritually
We will stand on our own two feet
As the petals fall from the cherry trees
The wind from our cries swirling them about
We will find each other dancing
Dancing alone but together forever more

The moon grew dark
It turned it's back to the sun
And looked in the opposite direction
At least it could see the other suns clearer this way
But the moon must always turn
(Will it always keep it's dark side?)
It is meant to cycle till it finds itself
so now it waxes poetically, turning once more to the closest star

Moonbeams fall on me
Like liquid love, invisible invitations
Their invocations like alchemy
Wave upon wave enters my inner essence
Way after their application
I feel their true effects
I look for the source
I see a burst of light
Shining Stardust swimming
Multi-emotional in it's journey
To the moon, to the land of the next

Can I come too?
Puppy eyes well up with tears
My self-sacrifice regretted
But it had to happen
Or none of this would be.
I chose you over me

Walk through a forest of dreams
Let the elves embrace you
But beware these fairies
For they like to test you
They like to turn on a dime

I risk it all to wait for you here.
Our most likely meeting place now
That the moon is your new home
Bring life to the land of the dead
Instead of letting them kill you
Turn you into one of them
Just because they surround you
Doesn't mean you have to let them in.

wow just ... wow. some people come up with the craziest ideas!

2008-11-08T09:01:00.004-06:00

I admit that sometimes some of my ideas can challenge what you think or want to know, about yourself as a person or just the world you grew up in. We all have our programming and what ideas we choose to have. So, we all have things we chose and things we do not chose but are there anyway, part of our world our reality.

I am looking for the Truth, but it seems that that means unmasking lies. So, for example, that is why I put up that essay/sermon about using Scripture to show that God does not want us to be deceived, but we are and we defend it and it's easier to get into and keep being deceived and it makes us happy etc.

But, for one thing, I can actually back that up.
For another, I am open to debate.

There are just some poor souls out there that take deception to it's farthest limits!
I've read ideas that I choose nt to believe, or ones I know have truth in them but I cannot take all the way in yet, or just think are fascinating.

I HAVE been tricked by very clever lies! The biggest deception I foolishly allowed myself to believe in was all the 911 Conspiracy Theories. Namely the one saying the plane that crashed into the pentagon was not THAT plane but something else.
Luckily, as I said, I am open and able to accept when I am wrong. I can see how logically I was wrong, and logically how I was deceived. I liked how she helped me see it like that! It wasn't a blame game or a scream fest YOU ARE WRONG. It was a calm showing of teaching.
"She" being Starfire Tor. I believe her, even though it is awfully weird at first, but I know it's real and she is a good person.
www.starfiretor.com

There are many sites where people deceive many people with their deceptions and I KNOW they are wrong. Like David Icke's site. There are those that turn a tragedy into a bigger one by trying to make it bigger to gain attention like fire the grid.

But, here is the antithesis of Starfire's site. I found this by a convoluted set of links, but here it is anyway. In a way, this is so wrong it's ALMOST entertaining. So literally insane (schizophrenia? bipolar?) and crass way. Crass as in bigoted not as in sexual or foul language or violence.
It's kind of entertaining in how far gone this poor man is. How he almost incorporates interesting ideas, but fails miserably at it. How much time and effort has gone into this. all the bold letters that go on and on and on ... and you think it's over, but then at the end it says NEXT PAGE :) I couldn't even finish the FIRST page, I hardly made it past the first few inches :p

So, I'm just saying .. no matter how odd my ideas get, they are not THIS bad. I guess everybody thinks their ideas are great. I just think I have some interesting insights to share is all. But the way my old friends and family treated me, you'd think I was THIS GUY. *shakes head*

I'm weird and different, but not THIS weird :)

here is the site:
http://www.timecube.com/

... altho, I do agree that the ultimate God, the Creator, is not a bearded man in the sky like Zeus. It would have to be non-human and non-gendered. I would guess that the real God, the Creator, is a balance of non-separations. It is the only thing that makes any real sense. I think it is just easier to see god as anthropomorphized.
...
also, I think it may in fact have a basis in fact, that we think God looks like us, especially in light of the fact that Genesis pluralizes God and it is the only place that does that (not counting Trinity talk). I believe that there is evidence showing that we were created by an alien race that came here and part of it's work was to create us in a kind of genetic scientific manner. I ma not sure of the extent.
Either they created this whole planet's life, or they cobbled together their DNA with what they found on this planet.
We humans are so different from the others here. We don't seem to really belong here, or in the definition of any other animal. We are not quite adapted to life here on this planet, but at the same time we can "morph" to adapt to differing conditions much easier and faster than any other animal here, and we think and act differently than this planet's crop of bio-forms.

There is evidence for this. Because either an unknown civilization went out into the stars or it came in from the stars to us:

But you'l have to scrol down or search for his articles on the diamond asteroid, Iaepetus the "moon with a view", mars, the moon (get his book Dark Mission", etc.
There are a couple things I am not so sure about, but for the most part I also think this person is and will be consistently on the path of the Truth.

and I think that's good enough for now :)

Now, that isn't saying there is no God and there is no Creator God. Because we'd still have to account for THEM. They didn't just appear out of thin air, so a Creator God created them.

Our New President-Elect

2008-11-05T06:47:00.001-06:00

Obama won by landslide
Dems control it all
Thank God Almighty
We're free at last

RockN'Rolla

2008-11-02T14:05:00.002-06:00

I just saw an AWESOME movie! The new Guy Ritchie flick "ROCKNROLLA"! IT'S SO WELL WRITTEN AND FUNNY AND FUN! He's the guy who did "Lock Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels" and then "Snatch". He makes these great gritty pulp fiction-esque characters-colluding and colliding in London's criminal underbelly with great dramatic pieces full of fun!

GREAT soundtrack too!

HERE IS A BONUS

I just thought of this song ... not sure it's done yet. Maybe needs a bridge or ... something. But I wanted to share what i have so far with you guys!
I think I thought of a bridge :p
It's just a fun real rock n' roll song! Enjoy!

Rocknrolla

You've seen me in your dreams so give me sugar and I'll give you cream
In your eyes I see the lies deep inside you know they don't say what they mean
Fake prophecies .. False promises ... they make you dirty with their idea of clean
Survey says ... Sever them ... then write it all down inside your meme

Rocknrolla
Thought I told ya'
I go down smooth cause I'ma straight up truth shootah
Beauty queen
My name you'll scream
Out loud when I show ya what your soul really means

I'm the man with the plan so let's get busy buildin' a house that'll stand
Up to all their tales so tall lyin' peeps will get theirs in the end
Don't say no till you know that your garden I will well tend
I'm just sayin', that you've been prayin' for an angel just like me to land

So here I am
I am your man
If only you'd be my rocknrolla queen
So come on, take a chance on me
Best of both worlds ... dance so free
dance in the arena of the ...

repeat chorus

and now for less talkin' and more rockin', take 'er home boys!

P.S.

2008-11-01T21:30:00.002-05:00

I'm tired of meeting flaky girls
crazy girls
control/wanna be controlled girls
nobody wants to take a chance on me

amber seems like just another church brainwashed flake
another soulless zombie going wherever she is pointed
which is nowhere tho they tell her it is heaven
it is actually hell

hate that I have to go through hell when I meet these girls
why am I led to them why are they led to me
why will I probably not stop meeting them?

no matter
no body wants to take a chance on me

what's the point?

2008-11-01T21:06:00.003-05:00

what
is
the
point
?

there is no such thing as love
there is no such thing as truth
therefore there is no such thing as god

we've all been lied to.
there is no way to recover the truth

without truth there can be no love
without love there can be no truth
without truth and love there can be no way to help others to help themselves
if you cannot do those there, then there is no god
if all four of these things are true
there there is no real point to be here.

We all trick ourselves into believing the lies we are told and tell ourselves

2008-11-01T17:53:00.002-05:00

We all trick ourselves into believing the lies we are told and tell ourselves in a desperate attempt at happiness. We feel good even when we are really miserable and things keep falling apart in our lives. We don't stop to consider maybe bad things happen to us and we aren't getting what we need is because we're doing it wrong. No, we stubbornly create things from nothingness until we are imprisoned inside them. Each time it falls apart and we finally see it, we tell ourselves how stupid we and/or they were, and we vow to be more careful the next time. But the next time is not so different from the time before. Over and over and over again, we chose deception and defend it very strongly and think it is the answer.

I don't know how to escape this yet.
I don't know what to do about the vast majority of people who don't either.
I just think we are doomed.
I can't do what i was sent here to do
so why do I still have to be here?

Synchronicity? TimeShift?

2008-10-31T21:53:00.002-05:00

Tonight when I went out to get a bite to eat, I was surprised to see that we now have EXIT signs at the two exits inside the apartment hallway!
When did they put those in? I didn't notice them when I came home tonight.

***

So .. I'm sitting here watching the first MATRIX movie, and I hear a soft knock ... is it on my door?
it's 9:53 pm by the time I get to look at the computer here, so it was like at 9:50 or so?
It was a male stranger, I figured I'd go ahead and talk to him. My TV was on loud so ... it would have been awfully hard and rude not to :p
He realized when I opened the door that he had the wrong place.
I asked him who he was looking for. He said
BUBBA
0_o
o_0
Is it just a coincidence that in High school one of my nicknames was Bubba?

You know, that name really bothered me when they teased me with it. I wonder why? Maybe because at teh time ti seemed a "bubba" was a simpleton, a rube, someone who is stupid or ignorant or doesn't know what's goign on or anything.
But, really .. why did I let it bother me so?
Most likely it is because my parents made me feel like my enemies were right and I was wrong and I could never do anything right so I should just be used to being a victim?

BUT

Now that I look at it, Bubba is kind of a compliment.
Because
bubba is very close to
Buddha!

=)

So, I think I will try to change my past if if comes up again. Whenever I remember them calling me
bubba
and wincing with the memory
(and carrying it forward and thinking I will never do anything right)
INSTEAD I will hear them calling me
Buddha!

=) =) =) =) =)

anywazzzzz ... back to the movie!

Sorry about that last post (plus tragic death of a co-worker)

2008-10-31T17:19:00.005-05:00

I don't know ... sometimes that happens with someone I care about.
Someone I am curious about.
Someone I have a connection with.
I don't know why ...
I hope it didn't bother you.
I don't want to bother anybody.
But I just seem to anyway.
I have come to understand that this is just what I can do ... there are not a lot of people I can do this with, and Jozie is far and above the strongest and clearest one. Clearest meaning I KNOW it's her, and not just a general feeling or a general person.
I can't explain it, I just KNOW it's her.
And I don't even know why exactly yet.
Maybe it happens when she is in great distress or emotions? I am not sure.

...
But, I want to talk about something else that's bugging me.
What happened to a girl at work
You see .. she died.
No, not at work, a few miles away, 5? 10? like 10 or 15 minutes away from work?
She was only 23.
Nice sweet helpful girl that al her co-workers liked.
She's dead now.
Sondra is her name.
She wanted a ride home, but she couldn't get one (including a co-worker), and so she got in the car with this boy
I think her boyfriend.
Well, alcohol was involved with at least one if not both of them
They got into a drag race on Noland road, a main road here. Well, the other car swerved into them because they were winning and he lost control and they rammed into a metal pole.
Let's pray she died instantly, because if not ...
That means she was burned alive.
The other car drove off, last I heard they still do not know where they are.
The boy driving her survived the crash, they are charging him with vehicular homicide
What a way to ruin your life in your early/mid-twenties!

You'd think that was bad enough ... it's worse.
They were holding a bake sale for her, and selling lunch today as well.
Why?
To help out her 11 year old brother.
She had taken custody of him and was taking care of him.
Her dad had died already and he is from a different mom.
So, with her dead, this eleven year old boy will most likely go into the "system"
an orphanage like place, hoping to find a nice foster home.
A couple family members are trying to adopt/get custody, but that goes through the long complicated overwrought uncaring unknowing system of the Courts.

So, how fair was her death?
What Loving God or God worth praising would allow such a travesty to occur like this?

I'm just really upset.
And i don't really remember talking to the girl that much.
I saw her picture, but I can't really place her.

To be selfish a bit here and with my ridiculous supposing ...
I wonder if I talked to her.
I wonder if we made each other smile
Did I make a bad day for her better?
Did i help her make her life while lived nice?
Did she get a chance to do that for me?
For her sweet soul to imprint a little happiness and God's Love onto me before .... ?

Anyway, I bought some food and stuff .. they want to try to help the boy out. Get a fund started, for like college and stuff.

I hope good wil come from this tragedy.

Very Much with the Missing of my Petal Dancer (aka Jozie)

2008-10-28T22:42:00.003-05:00

I missed you a REALLY lot today, Jozie (aka Petal Dancer).
I'm not sure why, but it was intense.
Did you hear me calling for you?
Are you OK?
I miss your SuperCute voice
I miss seeing your alluring Splendor of your face
I wish I could see you in real life .... and hold you in my arms
Yep, I admit it! Which probably just scares you away again.
But the truth is the truth.

Never going to meet you ???
never going to give up
Will one of us die before we meet?
Will one of us haunt the other forever because of that?
Lost cause ... lost because I lost you

go to this page:
http://www.sheezyart.com/view/1768510/

it has this:

"The Petal Dancer

You thought you saw something in the trees
You hear a bell-like giggling
You chase the sound and find a girl dancing with petals.
If you can find her, you will have luck until you die.
If you try to capture her, you will die a painful death.
If you help her....you live forever.
She is the first sign of spring, she is the Petal Dancer...."

***

and i just made this poem up:

Have you ever missed the Winter
When the Summer's boiling hot?
Have you ever had a shiver
Of curiosity of thought
At the returning of a friend
Who thought was lost to you forever?
You didn't really want it's end
You just thought you wre being clever
And you were to smart for your own good
And maybe it was for the best
But sometimes an executioner's hood
Seen is the sign you've passed the test

She dances with the rose petals in the wind
Amber hair flowing as if through water
Her curls made to ensnare
Honey smile to lure you
Shattered stained glass windows are her eyes
I can't help myself I just have to try to piece her back together
Help herself renew herself
Like a wounded wild animal, heal then have to release her back into the wild
Queen of the Wolves, they howl when she returns to them
Welcoming keening, for she is their moon
She has part of me in with her
Inside her Pumpkin Shell
Inside Lucy's Locket
Or was it Picket?
Swimming in a sky full of diamonds
That are all her stubborn mules and dreams
She will not be denied!
I wonder if we have a parallel world we together live in?
Because even though we are apart, I can still feel as if she's in my arms
Like a phantom limb of the Waxing Moon
I howl at that moon
Hoping it opens it's arms creating a portal to port us there
So I can feel the summer of her wintery heart as it melts my icy armor
Making water for her, my Petal Dancer extrodinaire.

Why do people bully?

2008-10-26T23:08:00.004-05:00

People are judgmental against others and defensive when advice is given to them because fear. Pain and suffering and fear of what the truth is and who they really are. They've been bullied themselves, had family harm them, and had institutions like churches program them!

These people are so hurt that they are like zombies, the walking dead. All they know how to do is to pick the brains from other people. They are like vampires, having been turned into vampires by other vampires their power sucked from them so they have to get it back and the easiest fastest way is to do as taught by the vampire that did it to them and do it to others.

So, bullies are bullies because they are made blind to the light within themselves. They think they are dark. So, the only way they can cope is to try to get others to be like them. So that way they don't have to be disturbed by seeing the light they don't see in themselves anymore staring right back at them in another's eyes. That way they can be dark as well and then they won't have to feel so bad.

You see, at the beginning there was Unity. But this Unity was ALL DARKNESS. Then something happened to add something foreign into the midst of the darkness, and it was called Light. Light disconnected darkness from itself and so ended it's unity. Darkness wants it's unity back, can you blame it? So, that is what the darkness is doing, just trying to get things back the way they were.

Some in mystic circles, especially New Age, only talk about Love & Light. They talk about how all is one and that we are meant to be all One in the Light. Others speak of oneness too, like the Buddhists. But it is the New Agers that talk about Unity of the Light.

Well, Unity of hte Light is just as bad as Unity of the Darkness. We need rather to have BALANCE between light and dark!

I mean, it's just as bad thinking you have to be hapy and live in light and love al the time as it is to do the opposite.

As Yrsol Whisperwhing says in the game Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning:

"Loose your grief that it not constrain,
sheathe your anger that it not overwhelm.
Let all your emotions play but in
moderation."

What if the sun came out? (total conjecture)

2008-10-21T21:05:00.005-05:00

What if Amber is interested in me?
What if she is just having fear and doubt?
After all, she had a path set for her by others that love her and she loves, and trusts
...
What if I put a wrinkle in those plans?
Did she already wonder at their plans?
Was a chink in the armor they put upon her?

I've been able to free people to think for themselves before ...
it's not been easy.
Just ask Jozie =D
Just ask others
Just ask yourself

I have to be so careful!
I cannot be like my dad in this!
He wishes to control
You have to think and act and feel just like him so that he can cope with you
He can talk you into this! Quite literally! You even think his ideas are your own.
Its creepy =O

so, I just want to manifest, affect reality responsibly. For Balance!
I don't want to be in a love triangle, I don't want to be tricked either.
I just think she's really neat!

meh I'm being so foolish. She can't really like me or be interested in me. Nobody ever is. It's my fault too, I don't make things easy.
I don't know
I don't know what to do

I don't know, this is all conjecture

I swear, females are more complicated than computers!
I do NOT want to play any of these stupid games

***

talking about games ...
my computer keeps crashing to desktop (Ctd) when i play a couple of my games !!!
make it stop
Make It Stop
MAKE IT FREAKING STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's all good

2008-10-20T19:22:00.002-05:00

Just letting you know I'm doing just fine
Just letting off steam here
Just letting the poison out
better out than in XD

Just let me rot on the vine

2008-10-15T19:35:00.005-05:00

Again Amber Hodges doesn't acknowledge my existence. I might as well not exist for real ... for what is existence but when you are noticed by somebody else?

***

No girl wants to take a chance on me.
They like me, love me, want me ... but it is never enough.
They can be curious about me, interested in me, attracted to me
but in the end they will be too scared and stubborn to want to take a chance on me.
They'd rather fight with me, tease me, fill me with false hope, test me with
love-with-conditions, compare me to others, compare me with my sometimes shown hurt-side,
have me as just a friend (if even that), judge me by their expectations, control me or want to be controlled by me, but mostly take me for granted not notice me or consider that I may have feelings too.
and that I am True.

***

Go ahead with the life you think is yours that is in reality planned from everybody else's expectations for you
Consider you are not hurting my feelings when you really are when you ignore my existence whenever I am with anybody else or you are, but still smile and blush when I talk to you one-on-one with less witnesses.
Trump up the minuses associated with caring about me to overshadow all the positives

***

Don't mind me
Just let me rot on the vine
You've got everything all set
All lined up
I'll just ruin it
It being your deception.

no ... it's better to satisfy their expectations of you
make their idea of happiness and normal your own
forget me
forsake me
forward me to some imaginary next-lover that never comes but simply repeats your action
that is ... forwarding me to the imaginary "next".
how many nexts must I go through before one sticks?

***

I don't understand:
why won't your advice and counsel help me?
why doesn't new knowledge console me with it's counsel?
i'm tired of trying to figure it out.
It just doesn't make sense ... i cannot win, I want out
I am simply unattractive
If only one woman would take a chance on me
I would attract so much that is amazing!
It will be worth the risk!

***

Ignore that ... stay safe ... remain deceived ...
take care of yourself ... bully me ... discard me ... be afraid of me and disgusted
your feelings are more important than mine ... your life is more important than mine
That's OK, do your worse, you cannot stop me from loving you

Just let me rot on the vine
so that you can be ...
filled with false promises and lying dreams that you are being picked just in time

alarm clock TimeShift

2008-10-11T06:32:00.004-05:00

yesterday morning I was awoken in the morning. I am not sure what woke me up, but I woke up to the sounds of my upstairs neighbor's feet on the ceiling.
So, annoyed, I opened my eyes from my sleep and turned over to look at my alarm clock. It said 7:17 am
7:17! eep, I have to get to work, I'm going to be late! See, my alarm goes off at 6 am and I try to leave the house no sooner than 7:09 and no later than 7:12.
Here's the thing. I didn't sleep through my alarm ... the alarm wasn't on!
This then, is the mystery. This is the evidence of a TimeShift.
Because I've trained myself to notice things that are different. So, with the alarm clock, as I was getting into bed, I automatically got a quick glimpse of the clock. I didn't notice anything wrong.
My clock is a digital clock with red numbers. On the far left side, there are 2 LED lights also red, one on top of the other like a colon :
One dot means it is PM
the other means the alarm is ON
I didn't notice anything amiss on my quick glance, so I can only assume I saw both dots as I expected to.
The switch to turn off the alarm is on the left side and is facing away from me at the time. Because I have it turned at an angle so I can see the numbers, and so that is why it is turned so the left side is away from me. The switch has three positions. closest to me is RADIO ON but ALARM OFF, middle is RADIO AND ALARM OFF, and furthest away is ALARM ON ready to go off at the set time. It takes some deliberate effort to to move it. It does not move if my cover or pillow would be able to hit it even at an odd angle. My lamp would also be in the way of that.
The electricity didn't turn off the alarm because the power has gone off before and not affected the alarm. I have a battery back up, you see. Besides, the clock read the correct time and showed no signs of having had a power failure or any other kind of mechanical problem.

So, I've narrowed it down to three possibilities:

1) I am mistaken. I didn't look properly enough at the clock, and the alarm was off when I went to bed the night before. But, that still doesn't answer why it was off. I am quite used to my work schedule so by habit I would have no reason to turn it off until as late as Friday night because I work the weekdays only. No, I'm fairly certain I saw both dots, but maybe I didn't.

2) Somehow I managed to turn off the alarm in the middle of the night. We are able to do any number of things in the middle of the night and not be fully aware of them. So, this is a possibility. I just can't find any kind of evidence for this, but there is not enough evidence against it to completely dismiss it out of hand. Still, as far as I could tell, the alarm clock didn't look moved in any way, which I would consider I would need to do to better move the switch. For one thing, the side with the switch is snug next to the base of the lamp. I would have had to move it away from the lamp, move the switch, then move the clock back next to the lamp. That is a lot of deliberate and careful moves for someoen that is asleep! In addition, the switch is in the middle. It takes dexterity to make sure it moves from the position furthest away and have ti stop in the middle instead of all the way to the closet position. As a reminder, the farthest position is alarm set, middle is off, closest is radio on.
Therefore, if I did move it in my sleep, that is incredible in itself, because it would have taken a lot of very specific effort and care.

3) No, I believe the best possibility is this one: a TimeShift occurred which included my alarm clock not being set. It's an odd one, though. Because I know this whole week has been leading to that night, and that night was Thursday, and I knew the next morning was Friday morning and I had one more work day. So the instance of my alarm being in the middle OFF position would only occur in 2 out of 7 nights, Friday night and Saturday night.

My clock radio is a Curtis CR1274
http://www.curtisint.com/web/products.asp?brand=CURTIS&subCat=CLOCKRAD&catName=CLOCK/CLOCK%20RADIO

Here is some additional tangential information. Well, for one thing, I managed to get to work on time! I don't know how. I did speed, but I didn't think it was going to be enough. I thought at best I'd be at the time clock around 4 past 8. It turned out it was 6 before! So, I wonder if I created a RealityShift so that I could get to work on time. I was thinking about it whilst in the car driving there, so that is a possibility. But I still arrived in the parking lot at a time that I've timed my walk before and I can't see how I could have been 6 minutes early. Time must have slowed down and pretty much also went backwards a few minutes! But, I'm just not convinced of this enough.

I was awoken by my neighbors the night before. He was arguing with her. And I can hear their footsteps. So, I think I was triggered to be aware of the footsteps and that is why they woke me up the next morning, Friday morning.

Also, I was talking to a co-worker and he said the meeting with his friends (that I was invited to) was now suddenly up in the air. The couple who's house we met at .... well, they moved out of that one. I was there last Friday, and not mention of moving came up. They are a couple with a baby living in their parent's apartment. I suppose they could have moved because of something sudden like a bad argument or feeling cramped, but still. You think one of us would have heard something BEFORE the next Friday night when we met. And they meet every Friday night, so it's not a new routine. How could none of the rest of them be aware that they moved until they called an hour or so before the meeting was to occur! Personally, I think that is more evidence of a TimeShift!

What do you think?
Did anything odd happen to you Thursday night to Friday night?

I wonder ...

2008-10-09T07:03:00.003-05:00

last week Amber is acting like I'm a ghost but can feel my presence. She won't talk to me in the halls when she is around other people and turns her back on me.
DID I go ghost/invisible on her? Did I shift or were we in two overlain timelines/realities? Or what?
I thought it was because she was embarrassed to be seen with me and that she didn't like me anymore.
BUT
yesterday, I was with a friend at work, and she walked by, and it was odd. She SEEMED to say a few words in his direction, but it was odd. For one thing, her voice got all quiet. For another, after she spoke, her eyes flicked to me, and she gave this smile WITH a blush! Then she kind of hurried out of there.
That was from my point of view, I don't know, maybe I read too much into it.
EXCEPT
My friend Joseph told me she looked at me and then smiled and blushed at me when I didn't tell him I saw her do that. So, I can confirm that.

I wonder what that means?

version 2 of TRUTH: What Scares Us The Most

2008-10-06T18:06:00.002-05:00

TRUTH: What Scares Us The Most

version 2: now with the actual quotes from the Bible that I only referenced earlier and lots of added thoughts!

I left up version 1 to show the changes I made, just for fun.
I also have a version 3 that is edited and ready, but I doubt I'll be putting that up here.

Two things cause most fear:
1) helplessness
2) truth

Some may add the unknown and possible/actual harm, but the main 2 are above. The one I want to focus on is truth. Because when you realize you are in trouble, when you are helpless etc it is because you are realizing the truth.
When we are being deceived, we don't feel fear. When we deceive ourselves, it's also smooth sailing. No, it's when we hear the truth that we get defensive, feel aversion, want to run away and defend ourselves. Why is that? Because lies make us happy!
It's true! You wish to counter argue that, but it's human nature plain and simple. "But", you say, "when I found out I was being lied to, I wasn't happy!"
EXACTLY
Because when you find out something is a lie, you discover the TRUTH, and that is what scares you, makes you angry, upset, sad, depressed, and all those other emotions that aren't peaceful happiness. It causes conflict. We aren't meant to DENY these emotions; we are to hear them out! Otherwise, why would we have the capacity to have them? We just can't let them take control of us.
I'm not saying peaceful happiness is a bad thing. Once we have learned all the truth we need, once we are balanced and in the present, when we are looking within, then we can get peace from truth and love. It's just that happiness from truth is harder to maintain then happiness from lies.
Fear is a warning device. Alarm bells going off. But, what do we do when we feel fear, especially intense fear? We shut out everything around us, we go into fight or flight, we look for a way to escape, to avoid this feeling.
It's called aversion.
We wish to avoid anything associated with what makes us afraid. This is an important thing if done right. It can sharpen our senses and prime our bodies to survive many things. Miracles can happen!
But, too often, it shuts us down. Especially when it comes to something that we associate with a past fear but the present thing isn't really that scary. We move into the past and the future, we loose the present. But, it is the present that is most important if we are going to properly deal with the situation at hand.

Every single one of us is drowning in deception. It is all around and inside us. We judge others and ignore own faults in a happy dance of hypocrisy ... to make us feel better and to avoid the fear of the truth. I'm fine, THEY are the wrong ones and to blame! Look carefully at your life, how many things do you do now that you judged others as stupid or wrong for doing? But, if someone alerts you to this inconsistency, you'll deny it or attack the person, because it is the truth and it causes conflict and fear and thus we avoid it. BACK TO THE HAPPY PLACE, BACK TO THE LIES!
Information can be found to support my arguments in the Bible. Here's a big truth, the Bible is NOT the word of God! God finds a way to speak to us through the Bible, but the Bible is not without it's misquotes. Therefore, one of the ways we allow ourselves to be deceived is through churches and religions. Not that they are 100% lies, that is not how it works here. It is a tapestry; lies and truths get interwoven with each other.
The Bible itself supports my notions, and in fact inspired me to write this essay. The version I quote all Scripture from is the New International Version (NIV) (Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society)
Look to Jeremiah. This is a very important chapter, with a very telling episode in it. Here, the LORD is vexed by how we deceive ourselves. The LORD cannot understand it, this is God we're talking about, and if God is confused and upset by something, it is a way of highlighting a very big issue.
In Jeremiah, the LORD is upset and cannot figure out why his people worship false gods. They build upon their great deception with false priests, false prophets, and false scribes. If that wasn't a big enough problem, the thing that upsets God the most isn't that they defend the deceptions but that they are HAPPY in their deception and that is why they defend them. I cannot place all the appropriate quotes here, but here is a good taste:

False Religion Worthless
1 This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD :
2 "Stand at the gate of the LORD's house and there proclaim
this message: …
8 “But look, you are trusting in deceptive words that are
worthless.” …
I spoke to you again and again, but you did not listen;
I called you, but you did not answer. …
27 "When you tell them all this, they will not listen to you;
when you call to them, they will not answer. …
Truth has perished; it has vanished from their lips. …
" 'How can you say, "We are wise,
for we have the law of the LORD,"
when actually the lying pen of the scribes
has handled it falsely? …
"Peace, peace," they say,
when there is no peace.
12 Are they ashamed of their loathsome conduct?
No, they have no shame at all;
they do not even know how to blush. …
3 "They make ready their tongue
like a bow, to shoot lies;
it is not by truth
that they triumph in the land.
They go from one sin to another;
they do not acknowledge me,"
declares the LORD.

4 "Beware of your friends;
do not trust your brothers.
For every brother is a deceiver,
and every friend a slanderer.

5 Friend deceives friend,
and no one speaks the truth.
They have taught their tongues to lie;
they weary themselves with sinning.

6 You live in the midst of deception;
in their deceit they refuse to acknowledge me,"
declares the LORD.

7 Therefore this is what the LORD Almighty says:
"See, I will refine and test them,
for what else can I do
because of the sin of my people?
8 Their tongue is a deadly arrow;
it speaks with deceit.
With his mouth each speaks cordially to his neighbor,
but in his heart he sets a trap for him. …
12 What man is wise enough to understand this? Who has
been instructed by the LORD and can explain it? …
See how the LORD speaks out against false scribes? This is what happened to the Bible. You see, we do not have the original books of the New Testament. Nor do we have copies or copies of copies or even copies of copies of copies! We have no reason to simply trust the earliest copies we have because we can se how after them many mistakes or purposeful changes were made, so how can we know that the same thing did not happen to the original words? So, we cannot consult the words of the original authors to ever judge what God’s Truth is. We can still consult this book for some counsel, but it is not the unadulterated WORD. Therefore, we must be careful about being in a religion and preaching it as God’s Truth to ourselves or convert any others or condemn those that do not belong.
I believe this is why God wanted us to fear him in the Old Testament. If we fear God, we will be more open to our intuition trying to warn us with fear to know when we are being deceived. When we stopped fearing God, we made up religious rules and worshiped false gods and let the military/political leaders and religious leaders (a.k.a. Pharisee and Sadducee) to make power plays and to keep their power control us and feed us deceptions. As long as we are deceived, they can keep their power by having us ignore the truth of GOD and fight amongst ourselves and with other groups ... lost in division they gain their power.
Gaining their power as we lose our souls.
This idea that deception is bad is bolstered in the New Testament. The phrases people use to convert people to their "one true church" like trying to get customers to buy from your products more than your competition is actually meant to protect us from them. "Here is Christ, there is Christ, do not believe them ... many will be deceived" and so on. These phrases are shields that are turned into swords, swords to cut us and for us to use to cut whoever they say are our enemies.
Notice how often we are told to be against people or groups that do not think like us or to beware other people or groups trying to deceive us and take us away from the church? But, Christ took this into account when he told us to love our enemies! Anybody who doesn't believe like you do, doesn't do as you would do, isn't as "moral" as you, is an enemy. But, the truth is, we are to love everybody, even those that make us uncomfortable or upset us! It is a tough truth to swallow. But, one also is careful not to fall into deception by loving and forgiving people. This happens far too often as well. We are free to try to reconcile with one who is upsetting us, but if they refuse to cooperate, we are told we can wash our hands of them. The problem is that we often push away those that offer the greatest truths from fear, so that we can stay happy in our deceptions.
One of the most intriguing passages in scripture says that the only unforgivable sin is to blaspheme the Holy Spirit.

28I tell you the truth, all the sins and blasphemies of men will
be forgiven them. 29But whoever blasphemes against the
Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin."
30He said this because they were saying, "He has an evil spirit."
(Mark 3:28-30)

and a similar passage in Matthew:
“Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be
forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit
will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.”
(Matthew 12:32)

So, what is the Holy Spirit? Well, John tells us! John records Jesus saying that the Holy Spirit is truth.

15"If you love me, you will obey what I command. 16And I
will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to
be with you forever— 17the Spirit of truth. The world cannot
accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. …
25"All this I have spoken while still with you. 26But the
Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in
my name, will teach you all things and will remind you
of everything I have said to you.” (John 14)

So, the phrase now reads "the only unforgivable sin is to blaspheme the truth" and how do you blaspheme the truth? By believing instead in lies! And believing in lies is not living in love and not living in love is not living in GOD and not living in GOD is the only true death a soul can ever have.

“God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God,
and God in him. …There is no fear in love. But
perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to
do with punishment. The one who fears is not
made perfect in love. … Whoever loves God
must also love his brother.” (1John 4)

He also speaks out against false priests and also false prophets:

Then the LORD said to me, "The prophets are prophesying
lies in my name. I have not sent them or appointed them or
spoken to them. They are prophesying to you false visions,
divinations, idolatries and the delusions of their own minds.
(Jeremiah 14:13-15)

This is what the LORD Almighty says: "Do not listen to what
the prophets are prophesying to you; they fill you with false
hopes. They speak visions from their own minds, not from
the mouth of the LORD. (Jeremiah 23:15-17)

8 " 'Therefore this is what the Sovereign LORD says
Because of your false words and lying visions, I am
against you, declares the Sovereign LORD. (Ezekiel 13:9)

And so on.
It is better to risk the scorn of your fellows that believe in such lies then to suffer the scorn of the LORD, for following what they say has no impact on your soul but not following the Wise Counsel of the LORD is directly connected to the future of your soul. It is better to let them curse you, for if you turn away from their lies and instead turn towards the truth of the LORD (because the LORD is TRUTH and LOVE) then the LORD will gather you into his arms and love and protect you. Beware, because the Truth of the WORD is opposed by the lies of the WORLD, and you will feel the heat of its anger of you abandoning it. But its anger at you leaving it is nothing compared to what will become of your soul if you leave God for their deceptions.
The thing is, the results are worth it! It's like anything else, the effort gains the results. Like exercise! It can cause pain and discomfort and we'd rather be lazy, but if we just keep at it we will be healthier than if we took some stupid pills! My friend Jozie brought this up and it makes a perfect example for this essay. Not giving into deception is like exercise. You have to constantly keep it up, but also not overdo it because being too skinny can be unhealthy as well! So, again, it's about balance.
There are some that can awaken the truth within us, but it is human nature to be just as taken by those that deceive us. This is why it's important to continue to seek the way, seek the truth. If we think we know it all now and no longer need to look anymore, then we are still being deceived! That is, if we think we are getting the answers from somebody else, be it from our family, friends loved ones, church, religion, government.
One of the biggest obstacles to this is in what we think is meant to make us happy. We look to others expectations of us. This is a part of it, as I said it is about balance. But, if we keep doing things to please others, or to avoid their displeasure, then we are not doing things to make ourselves happy, but others definition of it.
We often define our happiness so strongly with others that we cannot see that it isn't really our happiness. People will choose their careers and lifestyles making themselves actually miserable inside and get upset at those closest to them. They close themselves off. This not only hurts them, but those around them as well, and it certainly harms God a lot! They live in a world that is about extremes: denial of truth and emotions and over-excited bursts of emotions leaving their prisons when they can no longer deny the truth. This is where the idea of aversion comes in, because we stay in the cycle of deception to try to ease their pain and ours. We stay with the false happiness of deception and avoid the helpful fear and discomfort caused by a glimpse of the truth.
Again we come to the idea of balance, because one can care too little about others. But, that is caring too little for ourselves. We often get caught in between trying to please ourselves and pleasing others.
Recall that the kingdom is within. In your heart. Read the book "The Biology of Transcendence" by Joseph Chilton Pearce to find out that we are actually biologically BUILT to transcend! But remain aware that we are not born with a truth gene. That we have the knowledge of good and evil but we often equate happiness with "evil" or deception and often feel fear for the unknown and discomforting "good" or truth. It is not about avoiding deception, but simply recognizing it and calmly moving back towards the middle ... towards truth.
So, be heartened! Live in the moment and befriend your emotions! Know that the biggest deception is to think that our thoughts racing through our head when the mud at the bottom of our clear water gets agitated by strong emotions are facts. Don't compare yourself as you are now with how you might be, because comparisons are useless! "be as the lilies in the field", simply BE! It's all good! The truth is never absolute, so just keep yourself aware that you are being deceived, and it will be OK. It will be OK.

an interesting quote

2008-10-05T18:36:00.007-05:00

not sure why, but I liked this!

From "Ultimate Avengers 2":
Black Widow: "It hurts less when you're fighting, doesn't it.
"I know that you are afraid of peace because the moment you have it, a normal life seems within your grasp and you don't want to loose that ..."

what does this make you feel? Does it resonate?

TRUTH: What Scares Us The Most (an essay)

2008-10-04T19:43:00.003-05:00

Two things cause most fear:
1) helplessness
2) truth

some may add the unknown and possible/actual harm, but the main 2 are above. The one I want to focus on is truth. Because when you realize you are in trouble, when you are helpless etc it is because you are realizing the truth.

When we are being deceived, we don't feel fear. When we deceive ourselves, it's also smooth sailing. No, it's when we hear the truth that we get defensive, feel aversion, want to run away and defend ourselves. Why is that? Because lies make us happy!

It's true! You wish to counterargue that, but it's human nature plain and simple. "But", you say, "when I found out I was being lied to, I wasn't happy!"
EXACTLY
Because when you find out something is a lie, you discover the TRUTH, and that is what scares you, makes you angry, upset, sad, depressed, and all those other emotions that aren't peaceful happiness. We aren't meant to DENY these emotions, we are to hear them out! Otherwise, why would we have the capacity to have them? We just can't let them take control of us.
I'm not saying peaceful happiness is a bad thing. Once we have learned all the truth we need, once we are balanced and in the present, when we are looking within, then we can get peace from truth and love. It's just that happiness from truth is harder to maintain then happiness from lies.
But, fear is a warning device. Alarm bells going off. But, what do we do when we feel fear, especially intense fear? We shut out everything around us, we go into fight or flight, we look for a way to escape, to avoid this feeling.
It's called aversion.
We wish to avoid anything associated with what makes us afraid.
This is an important thing if done right. It can sharpen our senses and prime our bodies to survive many things. Miracles can happen!
But, too often, it shuts us down. Especially when it comes to something that we associate with a past fear but the present thing isn't really that scary. We move into the past and the future, we loose the present. But, it is the present that is most important if we are going to properly deal with the situation at hand.

Every single one of us are drowning in deception. It is all around and inside us. We judge others and ignore own faults in a happy dance of hypocrisy ... to make us feel better and to avoid the fear of the truth. I'm fine, THEY are the wrong ones and to blame! Look carefully at your life, how many things do you do now that you judged others as stupid or wrong for doing? But, if someone alerts you to this inconsistency, you'll deny it or attack the person, because it is the truth and it causes conflict and fear and thus we avoid it. BACK TO THE HAPPY PLACE!
Information can be found to support my arguments in the Bible. Here's a big truth, the Bible is NOT the word of God! God finds a way to speak to us through the Bible, but the Bible is not without it's misquotes. Therefore, one of the ways we allow ourselves to be deceived is through churches and religions. Not that they are 100% lies, that is not how it works here. It is a tapestry, lies and truths get interwoven with each other.
The Bible itself supports my notions, and in fact inspired me to write this essay. Look to Jeremiah. This is a very important chapter, with a very telling episode in it. Here, the LORD itself is vexed by how we deceive ourselves. LORD cannot understand it, this is God we're talking about, and if God is confused and upset by something, it is a way of highlighting a very big issue.
In Jeremiah, the LORD is upset and cannot figure out why his people worship false gods. They build upon their great deception with false priests, false prophets, and false scribes. If that wasn't a big enough problem, the thing that upsets God the most isn't that they defend the deceptions but that they are HAPPY in their deception and that is why they defend them.
I believe this is why God wanted us to fear him in the Old Testament. If we fear God, we will be more open to our intuition trying to warn us with fear to know when we are being deceived. When we stopped fearing God, we made up religious rules and worshiped false gods and let the military/political leaders and priest (religious leaders) (a.k.a. Pharisee and Sadducee) to make power plays and to keep their power control us and feed us deceptions. As long as we are deceived, they can keep their power by having us ignore the truth of GOD and fight amongst ourselves and with other groups ... lost in division they gain their power.
Gaining their power we lose our souls.
This idea that deception is bad is bolstered in the New Testament. The phrases people use to convert people to their "one true church" like trying to get customers to buy from your products more than your competition is actually meant to protect us from them. "Here is Christ, there is Christ, do not believe them ... many will be deceived" and so on. These phrases are shields that are turned into swords, swords to cut us and for us to use to cut whoever they say are our enemies. Notice how often we are told to be AGAINST people or groups? But, Christ took this into account when he told us to love our enemies! Anybody who doesn't believe like you do, doesn't do as you would do, isn't as "moral" as you, is an enemy. But, the truth is, we are to love everybody, even those that make us uncomfortable or upset us! It is a tough truth to swallow. But, one also be careful not to fall into deception by loving and forgiving people. This happens far too often as well. We are free to try to reconcile with one who is upsetting us, but if they refuse to cooperate, we are told we can wash our hands of them. The problem is that we often push away those that offer the greatest truths from fear, so that we can stay happy in our deceptions.
One of the most intriguing passages in scripture says "the only unforgivable sin is to blaspheme the Holy Spirit." So, what is the Holy Spirit? Well, John tells us! John says that the Holy Spirit is truth. So, the phrase now reads "the only unforgivable sin is to blaspheme the truth" and how do you blaspheme the truth? By believing instead in lies!
This is further bolstered when we are told not to follow the flat and wide path, but that the path that God for us is "steep and rocky". This is meant to slow you down, to be aware of your present whereabouts. But, the rocks also serve as hand and foot holds so you don't go sliding back down. And, being steep, it means you are going up ... growing up .... gaining positive change even if you feel negative about how you have to go about it. Because we wish to avoid hardship. The thing is, the results are worth it! It's like anything else, the effort gains the results. Like exercise! It can cause pain and discomfort and we'd rather be lazy, but if we just keep at it we will be healthier than if we took some stupid pills! My friend Jozie brought this up and it makes a perfect example for this essay. Not giving into deception is like exercise. You have to constantly keep it up, but also not overdo it because being too skinny can be unhealthy as well! So, again, it's about balance.
There are some that can awaken the truth within us, but it is human nature to be just as taken by those that deceive us. This is why it's important to continue to seek the way, seek the truth. If we think we know it all now and no longer need to look anymore, then we are still being deceived! That is, if we think we are getting the answers from somebody else, be it from our family, friends, loved ones, church, religion, government.
One of the biggest obstacles to this is in what we think is meant to make us happy. We look to others expectations of us. This is a part of it, as I said it is about balance. But, if we keep doing things to please others, or to avoid their displeasure, then we are not doing things to make ourselves happy, but others definition of it. We often define our happiness so strongly with others that we cannot see that it isn't really our happiness. People will choose their careers and lifestyles making themselves actually miserable inside and get upset at those closest to them. They close themselves off. This not only hurts them, but those around them as well, and it certainly harms God a lot! They live in a world that is about extremes: denial of truth and emotions and over-excited bursts of emotions leaving their prisons when they can no longer deny the truth. This is where the idea of aversion comes in, because we stay in the cycle of deception to try to ease their pain and ours. We stay with the false happiness of deception and avoid the helpful fear and discomfort caused by a glimpse of the truth.
Again we come to the idea of balance, because one can care too little about others. But, that is caring too little for ourselves. We often get caught in between trying to please ourselves and pleasing others.
Recall that the kingdom is within. In your heart. Read the book "The Biology of Transcendence" by Joseph Chilton Pearce to find out that we are actually biologically BUILT to transcend! But remain aware that we are not born with a truth gene. That we have the knowledge of good and evil but we often equate happiness with "evil" or deception and often feel fear for the unknown and discomforting "good" or truth. It is not about avoiding deception, but simply recognizing it and calmly moving back towards the middle ... towards truth.
So, be heartened! Live in the moment and befriend your emotions! Know that the biggest deception is to think that our thoughts racing through our head when the mud at the bottom of our clear water gets agitated by strong emotions are facts. Don't compare yourself as you are now with how you might be, because comparisons are useless! "be as the lilies in the field", simply BE! It's all good! The truth is never absolute, so just keep yourself aware that you are being deceived, and it will be OK.

Emo About Amber

2008-10-04T07:33:00.010-05:00

Several months of repor, kind gestures, polite welcoming, gentle conversations .... all for naught.
I show her respect, I don't undress her with my eyes, i take chances like trying to share things with her and invite her to share with me, i take chances by showing her kind friendly gestures like giving her a CD mix (COMPLETE WITH an artsy hand-drawn title and the only copy of an original poem I wrote for her) and complimenting her and stuff, I am careful not to get information about her that she doesn't offer herself (like her last name and what car she drives) ...
I see that her eyes light up and she smiles at me and listens to me and doesn't make me feel like an ugly good-for-nothing dork, all I wanted for the CD mix was her first reaction and that was so amazing her eyes and smile kept getting bigger and bigger, and .... meh why go on.

All I wanted was a friend. Sure she's Super-Cute and alluring, but I can be fine just being friends and hanging out with her and sharing our lives as friends.

All I did was ask her out to lunch during work. That's it, that's the straw that broke the camel's back? That's so innocuous! I mean ... it's a quick meal in the middle of stressful take-over-mind work, a short time to talk and be in each others company. It is certainly NOT a date or anything to fear or avoid. Or kill a burgeoning friendship over.
Even if she is only 23, even if she has a boyfriend, even if there is talk of marriage, even if she goes to a Restoration Branch (Mormon) church and I don't, even if part of us finds the other intriguing .... I don't see how it can lead to this.

She's ignoring me in the hallways, she now finds a way to be in a small group of people, she will sometimes literally turn her body away from me, she won't talk to me or acknowledge me in any way.
It's as if I've done something unforgivably horrible to her. Insulted her somehow. I am being completely honest here when I say I don't know what. I've always talked to her with respect and attention, everybody else at work can attest to my nature! I do admit I think she's Super-Cute. I do admit she has an intriguing shape to her body. But, like, I don't lust after her, I just noticed, it's human nature to notice and appreciate beauty.

Look, I'm different. I am not the usual horn-dog male. I actually wish I was MORE masculine in my psyche if that makes any sense. But, I'm still a straight male, so I don't see why I have to apologize or explain why sometimes I notice and a female's body and like what I see. It's quite natural. It's the way GOD made us both. I did NOT drool over her as I looked over her body as we talked or anything! I looked her in the EYES. THE EYES!

I never hit on her, I never made any advances, I never made any references to sex even a double entendre, I have literally never even touched her! I mean it, I have never ever touched her. Not in any way, not even a friendly way or helpful way.

I've been a good boy.

God led me to her and the feeling I got was
she doesn't have enough space for you in her world
It seems appropriate that her name is Amber ... a clear prison for insects made out of the life force of trees which means the WORLD for how else do we stay in the WORLD but by our blood/sap life force? But, that's just it. It is such a pretty prison, and you can see through it and people can see you through it too. I think I'm showing her the bars and that scared her. I think she thinks I am in competition for her affections. Honestly, I think the girl likes me and is confused. I tend to shake up your world :p SO, I wonder ... is she afraid of the truth?
Anyways ... I THINK maybe I was trying to expand her world for her so she wasn't so trapped in the prison of her lies and ignorance, not for ME we'd only be friends and for how long?
no, I did it for GOD
I am sad this friendship is failing not just for ME, I'm a minor player, but for HER soul, and for GOD's plan!

But ... she's so aggravating! So closed off, she holds her cards close to her chest. I wonder if she's been abused? Was she sexually molested as a child by a family member? Was she emotionally or psychologically abused? Were the other girls mean to her out of jealousy of her beauty? Has her church brainwashed her that much?

I mean, how CHILDISH and IGNORANT can you get?

I'm not going to be too emo, still, it hurts. Sorry if you think that's WEAK but it's not, it's me, like it or not.
It's not being needy or desperate or living in lala land either.
and I want to remind you that you are not responsible for my happiness.
Only I am.
But, I do appreciate you cheering me up and keeping me on my path XD

So, fill this with comments about how ZOMG JOYGASM awesome I really am :p

Because I owe so much to GOD for leading us together, all my friends!
I love you all!!!
*hugs*
just as I love my enemies, too!
*kissies*
even if they piss me off and make me cry and frustrate me with their childish ignorant stupidity that just makes me STOMP and THROW and GRR and PACE in flustrated agonized caring for their souls.
so sue me for caring! I am me and that's OK!

PS ~ THESE ARE PICS I TOOK MYSELF, but not recently. I took them years ago when Jozie and I didn't get to meet ... again. I felt like such a failure, I felt ... deflated. I've never looked or felt like that before or after in my life.
But now Jozie and I are talking again, so yAy!
I guess I put it up with this one to like, talk to myself, and show myself that the bumps in the road don't make up the whole road, and that I can survive heartbreak by continuing to care for new and old friends alike!

I've been neglecting this, sowi

2008-10-03T06:56:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure what to say here now that I've started it.

Well, for one thing, I wish I weren't here.
Seriously, I'm not supposed to be here. I haven't enough tools to do what I'm here to do. I want to be freed like Neo from the Matrix, but pulled into a better place.

What if the next world is worse than this one? I mean "heaven". What if it is actually all one big "hell" like place? What if THIS life only feels like hell, but the next life is worse? What is this life is actually a kind of training ground for the next place? If we train wrong, it affects what we get out of the place when we're dead to this world? That makes sense when you see that all these spiritual people throughout the ages are trying to give us sacred secrets and telling us to love everyone even our enemies (and who is our greatest enemies but ourselves? Our fears, hypocrisies, denials, control or be controlled attitudes, our grand deceptions).

So, I want to be here, I just want to know even more and be deceived even less. I want to be more aware. I want it to be OK for me to be selfish for awhile as I heal myself as in I want to be appreciated and seen for what I have and can offer and I want to be allowed to feel and think as I may want but I want that to not linger too long as to cause me or others harm. I want to just BE.
I want to be satisfied with myself and I want to have a girlfriend that supports that and we can be partners that can have fun and love and care for each other but aren't trying to change the other person. I mean change the other person in ways that are from deception and do more harm than good. I don't know how to word it.

well, it is almost time for me to go to work. I have no idea what this entry was for. It looks weird to me, and I don't know how real it is to how i feel right now.

I mean, things are going well. The job is great, I am keeping my 40 hours so far. Everybody seems to like me there, it's weird, I have trouble accepting it.

Turns out the girl I'm interested in is 24. oh my! Now she's ignoring me in the halls when she is around other people! How rude! What, I embarrass her now? well, I know another worker who knows her so I can get the inside scoop, wha-hahaha! And this other girl is my friend, so she's on my side, so hahaha. And I'll just not go talk to this girl in her office for a week and I'll ignore her in the hallways too. I know more people and people know me better than they know her, so she is playing a game she cannot win! God is protecting me and I'm not to be trifled with!!!

"My Name is Love" amazing song!

2008-09-24T06:47:00.004-05:00

(The above picture is of a large clear quartz crystal I have, when I turned it upside down, it looked like a "Valentine's Day" heart <3 )

I just found this awesomely BEAUTIFUL song!

scroll down to the "Featured Songs" section, click on "My Name is Love"
put yourself in a quiet place, and just be in the moment of this gorgeous song
then tell me how loverly it made you feel :)

http://www.ilike.com/artist/Rob+Dickinson

What's your name?
 Just tell me where you can be found
 My name is love i can't be bound, no 
Then name your cost
 Then let me pay my time is short 
My name is love i can't be bought, no  

When everything in sight
 Ups and changes our lives 
When everything else has died
 My name is love 
My name is love 
My name is love 
Love 
Love  

All i say is
 My life has changed in many ways
 If your name is love show me some grace, yeah

  When everything you know 
Falls apart when the wind blows 
When everything seems so tough
  My name is love 
My name is love 
My name is love 
Love 
Love

  And the water's flowing up 
Up the mountain that you choose 
Is it you that's climbing me 
Or is it me that's climbing you?

  When everything you know falls apart when the wind blows 
When everything else has died 
My name is love (x5)

This logo below looks better when it is animated, see here:
http://journals.aol.com/sazzylilsmartazz/SazzyKreationz/entries/2007/08/26/head-over-heels-in-love---snag-only/1605

The 77th Annual Plaza Art Fair - info

2008-09-21T11:46:00.002-05:00

http://www.countryclubplaza.com/plaza.aspx?pgID=913

The 77th Annual Plaza Art Fair
presented by American Century Investments

September 19th, 20th & 21st, 2008

Friday 5pm to 10pm Saturday 10am to 10pm Sunday 11am to 5pm

Each autumn, the streets of the Country Club Plaza become a beautiful outdoor art gallery as the nation's top artists display their work and attract art enthusiasts from all over the country. An annual event rich with tradition, the Plaza Art Fair is pleased to have American Century Investments as its presenting sponsor for the seventh year.

The Plaza Art Fair is consistently ranked among the nation's top 5 art festivals. In a highly competitive jury process, about 1,500 artists submit their best in hopes of becoming an exhibitor in the nationally recognized program.

Throughout the years, the Plaza Art Fair has become one of Kansas City's most popular attractions and autumn traditions. The three-day event annually attracts an estimated 300,000 art enthusiasts, which features 230 artists from 36 states. The celebration of the arts extends 9-blocks into the streets of the Plaza, and showcases the finest works in ceramics, digital art, fiber, glass, graphics and printmaking, jewelry, metal, mixed media, painting, pastels, photography, sculpture and wood. The fine quality and beauty attracts admirers and buyers alike to browse the outdoor art gallery.

While beautiful alone, the visual arts aren’t the only treat for the senses. The culinary, musical, and interactive arts also delight art fair attendees. With delicious food, wonderful music and interactive art experiences for all ages, something fantastic is awaiting discovery around every corner.

With classic Spanish architecture, glorious fountains, and beautiful sculptures, the Country Club Plaza is a work of art all by itself. A perfect setting for an art event, the Plaza Art Fair tradition began in 1932. For seven decades, the exhibits have grown in quality and creativity to become a nationally recognized fine art and fine craft festival, and a beloved Kansas City tradition.

Plaza Art Fair hours:

Friday, September 19th 5 pm to 10 pm
Saturday, September 20th 10 am to 10 pm
Sunday, September 21st 11 am to 5 pm

There is no admission cost for the Plaza Art Fair.

Who DOESN'T want a pet hedgehog?

2008-09-20T17:57:00.003-05:00

I am considering getting a pet hedgehog! If and when this will happen is way up in the air, but just LOOK at these sweet ickle characters!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCyFTEX7BMQ&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2FKb_1ZXb8&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzeCZLFh2qs&NR=1

and here is oen where they can go into a ball ^^
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ21hh-MKlo&feature=related

check out this introductory article:
Introduction to Hedgehogs

It has been said that no other exotic animal has caught the attention of the public quite like the pet hedgehog has. Their spines, friendly and curious nature, as well as that ever-smiling expression have endeared them to millions of confessed hedgehog lovers around the globe.

Those in Britain, Europe and parts of Africa have long known about the hedgehogs’ charm. British author and illustrator, Beatrix Potter, although most famous for her story of Peter Rabbit, also wrote the wonderful tale of a hedgehog named "Mrs. Tiggy-winkle", a matronly washerwoman. A British wildlife hospital dedicated to rescuing sick and injured hedgehogs is even named after this delightful character.

The interest in hedgehogs doesn't end there, though. Until recently, these remarkable little animals were virtually unknown in North America. But now, thanks to the pioneering efforts of breeders, the African Pygmy Hedgehog is now readily available and can be found in the homes of thousands of happy pet owners. "But why," you may ask, "is there such an interest in hedgehogs as pets?"

Besides having a peaceful and humorous nature, hedgehogs readily lend themselves to just about anyone's lifestyle and schedule. Being diurnal (awake parts of both day and night) just like house cats, nearly everyone can find a time of day in which to enjoy them. They do not require a great deal of room in which to live and their dietary requirements are very easy to meet and, since they are solitary animals by nature they neither require nor want the companionship of another animal.

Unlike hamsters, Guinea Pigs and other small rodents, pet hedgehogs do not give off any appreciable odor and they are easily litter trained. They live much longer than rodents, too. With the proper care and diet, your pet can live to be 4 - 7 years old. Add to all of this the fact that they require no immunization shots and are very disease resistant and you can see why so many people consider hedgehogs to be the perfect pet.

They have adorable little raccoon-like faces, set with beady little black eyes and small pointy noses that seem to twitch constantly, checking out the different odors of the room. Depending on the color variation that you choose, their little white faces may or may not have a mask. Although not related to the porcupine, they are sometimes mistaken for them because of the quills that cover their backs. The similarity ends there, however, since these quills are not barbed or nearly as sharp and remain attached to their bodies. Their little white tummies, on the other hand, are extremely soft and are covered with short, white hair. When frightened, they can roll up into a tight ball and look very much like a sea urchin. They have a short, stubby tail, but this is rarely seen since they keep it tucked up close their bodies. With their tiny little legs and round bodies, it is a real sight to see them scurry across the floor.

African Pygmy HedgehogUnlike their much larger English cousins, the African Pygmy Hedgehog (or pet hedgehog) is rather small in size, with the average adult weighing between ½ and 1 ¼ pounds and are 5 to 8 inches long - about the size of a Guinea Pig. There are a few rare adults that will grow to as much as 1 ¾ to 2 pounds (without being fat) while others are as little as 6 or 7 ounces. Breeders are now concentrating on these differences so that someday, we will have a choice between two different sizes of hedgehogs.

They have a quiet, gentle, disposition that makes them a true delight to own and hold. Each has a distinct personality and will bond to its owner for life. (We are assuming you purchased a socialized pet). They are surprisingly intelligent, fun to play with and are easily entertained. They love to play with tunnels, mazes and specially designed hedgehog wheels. Even something as simple as a toilet paper tube will make a good toy, as they love to stick their heads in them and run about the floor. Despite their solitary nature, they can become very affectionate with their owners and will even enjoying watching TV with you or just snuggling in your lap.

Because they are quiet, they are very easy to travel with. Most people aren’t even aware that a pet hedgehog is nearby. Many hotels that restrict other animals such as cats and dogs will allow hedgehogs. Once trained to a litter box, an adult can pretty well have the run of the house. With its excellent sense of smell, keen eyesight and good memory, it will know where the litter box is and will use it on a regular basis. Because they are not a rodent, they have no body odor, but it is still important to clean the litter box daily to eliminate all smells. Some people are not comfortable with a loose pet, so a cage with a minimum floor area of 16 x 24” will keep it happy and secure.

Hedgehogs truly are a low maintenance pet. Your pet hedgehog should be kept indoors at normal room temperature (65 to 80oF); it can be fed a good quality dry cat food or a specially formulated hedgehog food; they don't bark, although when happy, some will emit a quiet purr; they do not climb curtains or chew on furniture; and, they do not ask to be taken out for a walk. All that your pet asks for is to be fed and watered, loved and appreciated. Besides simply being enjoyed as pets, there is also an active hobby.

Thanks to the efforts of the hard-working folks at the International Hedgehog Association, (IHA) there is now a working show system and standard of perfection for the pet Hedgehog. Breeders and pet owners alike can now show their pets in friendly competition. As well, many breeders are involved in the fascinating and challenging world of color breeding. Many beautiful new colors have already been produced and many breeders are hard at work to produce even more. This adds a whole new dimension to owning hedgehogs and even those with only one or two animals are becoming actively involved.

****

So, who wants to go hedgehog shopping with me? ^^

Kit-Kate inspired me to say this

2008-09-18T22:50:00.003-05:00

*sigh of relief* Things are looking up. Smoother, sweeter. Things are coming together. Things are being brought forward to me from the past and future. The present is more alive than before. It's less about worry like has worn me down like a pencil sharper that breaks the point .. it's more like one that narrows down the lead to lead to a gentle point that is able to create.

Today Was A Good Day (Mindful class #2)

2008-09-17T18:51:00.004-05:00

Made it to work on time, despite traffic and leaving late.
No problems on the road.
It was OK that I didn't finish my work up yesterday.
I got a smile and a greeting from Amber in the morning that was gentle and warm like the sun, so that was very pleasant.
This nice lady made a motion with open arms and I took it as an opportunity for a hug. I hope that she felt better.
I saw Robyn Eastland my boss and again she heaped me with praise in front of other people.
Did I tell you she did so in front of our new administrator, too? That was nice times 10! ^^

Today was my day to go down to laundry. We have a new head of "personals" down there name of Regina. It's been a long time since she's worked here (5 years?) but when she did she worked here for 3 years.
She is an answer to a prayer I think! I prayed for a strong good person to get that area back under control, and here she is!
She is bi-polar. She is having some self-issues .. you know, not seeing herself as she really is but defining herself by others reactions to her. Like her husband, who's still in Florida, but she's glad to be away from him. Now granted ... bi-polar people and the like CAN put too much pressure blame on others (heck, even others can do that :p), but it seems to me that she is too much in a negative "I'm so stupid" self-blame place. If she can have room to breathe, and to see more of the landscape within and outside, she can see the truth. I tried to subtly help her with that today.
She is not one I'd date for many reasons, but that doesn't mean I can't try to help her to help herself ^^

Tonight was the 2nd class for Mindfulness thingy. It was nice.

And the night ended with icecream and talking to Kit-Kate! So, it was a GREAT day! ^_^

Meeting New, #1

2008-09-13T08:54:00.003-05:00

Last night was the first time I went over to be with Joseph's friends. Joseph works where I do. He invited me to join this group that plays pencil-and-paper imagination games like Dungeons & Dragons (aka D&D or DnD) and Scion and other group RPG games that you meet in person and play.

DnD changes sometimes slightly, sometimes more drastically, with each Edition. So, like the most recent one Edition 4 is more streamlined and more like what you'd see today on an online game and stuff. This group started out playing 3.5 Edition then changed mid-story to 4th Edition.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dungeons_&_Dragons

http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/welcome

After work I drove there, I had to kind of "loop around" a couple times as I "sniffed out" the directions I was given, but I eventually found it. Oh and it was raining the whole time completely clouded over the whole time, no break in the clouds in bland gray ceiling in sight. And there was a wreck stopping up traffic when I was on the highway getting there (highway ... ha! It was one lane each way /\|\/ where this wreck happened. But I am OK.
They were already playing, in fact in a final boss battle! So, that took awhile, and it took awhile for me to create my character. We played a little bit before we stopped.
There were 6 couples playing and the DM and me. The TV was on in the background, there was a cute ikle baby and one of the ladies was very preggers and there was even a parental unit there! :p

If you have any questions or whatever, just let me know :)
They were different, and I was entering an established group, but I think I did well!

You know, as my friend Jozie said, "comparison is useless." I can't be compared with some kind of "average" or "normal" or expected set of behaviors and reactions. I am who I am.
two things on that:
1) I shouldn't have to be something I'm not to please others or be drowned in worrying about what others think of me
2) I should be careful about comparing MYSELF to my past and future

Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness part 1

2008-09-11T06:38:00.003-05:00

Wednesday September 10, 2008, 7:45 PM
Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness
AU08-105

Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness

This class will examine practical, thoughtful approaches to the
treatment of depression by combining classic cognitive techniques
with mindfulness meditation practice. Whether you struggle with
depression or simply want to understand your mind and emotions
better, you will find these easy-to-use techniques helpful. We will
study clinically proven methods to reduce the recurrence of chronic
unhappiness and help to break the mental habits that can lead to
despair.

Instructor: Chaplain Mary Stanford

Dates & Time: Five sessions on Wednesdays, beginning Sept. 10, 7:45–9 p.m.

Fees: $15 class fee, $19.95 text fee

---

Last night was my first class :)
It was really neat.
I got there in plenty of time over dark slick-with-rain-still-coming-down highways.
We started to gather in a room downstairs with chairs around an oval dining-room-esque table, when we realized we had too many people for that. So we moved upstairs.
It was nice upstairs in that it had a great atmosphere of energy and it was not hot. It was a bit dark, but I got used to it and it did not distract me.

There are 16 students, including. One teacher. So, 17 total people. It is interesting side note that there are 16 students including me because the number "7" (16 = 1 + 6 = 7) comes up in my life a lot. So does 8 more often. Probably means nothing, but I thought I would record it.
I am 1 of 4 males.
OK, enough of the statistics :p

On the way upstairs, I saw this one 20-something lady's purse. It was really neat, it was browns and it looked like an owl! I'd never seen that before! She sat to my right in the circle. I talked to her about her neat purse as we went up the stairs. Her name is Sara(h) and she hasn't been out of college for very long (degrees?) and she said "... as a 20-something ..." She wants to nip this depression in the bud now while she's still young and about to start her life post-college.

The teacher is a really good person. We just talked about things in general. We went around the room twice. First time it was clockwise and Sara(h) spoke first. It was just an introduction and why we decided to take the class. Then at the end we were invited to give our definition of depression or talk about what was bugging us most and that went anti-clockwise.

*fights typing self-critical things here ... fights typing self-critical things here*
Besides, it's kind of too late. It's done :D

At the end of class, Mark to my left asked to borrow my book. Then Sara asked to borrow it. I wanted to talk to her some more, but Mark had a few more things to talk to me about before he left. I still had a chance, but then the newly-wed woman was suddenly there and talking to me and trying to show me video of her dog and cat after telling me I should get a dog for comfort. You can actually get a dog like a seeing-eye dog to help you with mental-emotional problems! I didn't know that. They can accompany you inside movie theatres and stores just like a seeing-eye dog too!
I doubt I will do that, tho it was a good suggestion. I'd need a note from a psychiatrist/psychologist which means I'd have to go to one :D

But, this woman ... as I said, she just got married. She got married there in the Rime (REE=may) center and the teacher proceeded over it. She has diabetes and autism and SAD (Seasonal Affected Disorder) and I forget what-else. I think it was neat of her to come right up to talk to me after class and on to the street. :D I think it says a lot of positive things about me, how people (no matter what I say, even if I allowed myself to be self-critical about what I did and didn't say when it was my turn to speak) feel like they can come up and talk to me of all the people in the room. I think that this is good reflection on me.

We have homework! lol It is to read Part 1 (the book is broken down into 4 parts) and try to listen to the included CD at least once.

Mindfulness is the key to getting so you don't get stuck in the doldrums. The DOING part of the mind, the one that deals with goals on the outside, like say homework or getting form here to there by a certain time. Mindfulness is stopping the brain from bringing up all the past times you've been unhappy ... it is only trying to figure it out like a GOAL and looking at past times is helpful in this (I was late to school today by 5 minutes, therefore I will try leaving 5 minutes earlier this time).
You want to switch to the BEING heart-mind. Just see the thought and feeling as that moment, not attach it to any others.

I thought of this in two ways!

1) this phrase came to me: "I cannot predict the future and this has nothing to do with the past."

2) this idea just came to me a few minutes ago. God was telling us how to be mindful when Moses encountered the burning bush and it spoke and he asked who the voice belonged to and the voice said
I AM THAT I AM
that is mindfulness!
It you realize that "i am that I am" at every moment, then you are FREE!

A Nice Sunday!

2008-08-31T21:01:00.002-05:00

Hello all you beautiful people!
:) That was one of the catch-phrases from an old cartoon dog named "Droopy" :)
I think. Or something close to that :-D

Today started out like any other day. Kinda blah, too.
Then I decided to go to a movie.
It is called "TRAITOR" and it is an independent movie. It is really nice. It takes it's time to build the story and the characters :) Also there were explosions :) It had great actors like Don Cheadle and Guy Pearce! It had no nudity or horrific violence, so that was nice.
Movies like to cheat and put in nudity (mostly female) to replace any kind of creative thought or good writing. Sometimes it can be used for good effect, like comedy or shock or drama or whatever, but there are other ways to do that.
I saw it at 1:45, and it was a nice length, finally! Why are movies so stupidly short now-a-days? This was nearly 2 hours, but it didn't feel that long, because of the pacing.
Don't worry, no spoilers here!

When I got home, a message was on my machine. I thought, "Oh goody, maybe it's Jozie!" I was at first disappointed that it wasn't her. Until I found out who it WAS from! It was this girl I had contacted a long time ago, and have been in contact with sparsely since. I took a chance and trusted her with my phone number, because before I contacted her the first time online (yes, she lives here) I used my "Issues" and "pinged" her, and she seemed OK. I used my "issues" after I was given a feeling of OK from outside myself :)
Well, long story short, she agreed to meet me! We met at a local festival called "Santa-Cali-Gon Days". That is for Santa Fe, California, and Oregon Trails that started from Independence MO. I met her at the park and ride. She's neat! We walked and talked and looked around. She bought something, and then we both bought home made root beers. =) We walked in the sun, and in the crowd. Neither bothered me! I felt OK with her, good energy, giving and also neutral energy, not taking or aggressive at all. Very nice.
Sometime we are going to have breakfast together. She seems like a great friend, who knows if there's more? She is with somebody right now. But, I'm OK with having her as a friend!
I'm glad she took a chance on me. I'm glad I took a chance on her.

I didn't take a photo even tho I brought the camera, lol

:D :D ;D ;D ;D
it's just so neat to meet nice people! Spiritual people.

New Poem/Song ~ Finally Free

2008-08-31T10:12:00.003-05:00

Finally Free

"Winter soon is coming, warm no more,"
I sing to my sisters and brothers.
Watching the tide wash up on the shore,
Taking some things while leaving others.

Can you sense the sun behind the cloud?
Point it out to me 'cause I can't see.
All I want to do is make you proud,
As I fall for you with too much speed.

Here I am in all my shadow and glory!
Let's sit down and tell our story.
I want to know you from smile to soul.
Let me be me and watch my eyes glow.

Short on patience 'cause i long for you.
You say, "relax", you know I hate that.
You're so hot sometimes i loose my cool!
Is it my turn to come up to bat?

All I really know is I don't know.
Help me remove my plank and your mote.
Apart we're just a part of the whole.
Will you be my lonely antidote?

It seems to me we could all get more out of our time here
If we ceased all conflict and so light the Candle of Truth
Burning brightly, flickering madly, it will warm our souls
Let go of our demon ballast so we fly higher with the angels

We could fly!
Fly so high
Not just you and I
But all of us up in the sky
Let's fly!
Across the hill and sea
See the Promised Land
As it was meant to be
So let's fly!
Unfold our wings upon an angel's sigh
We'll just float
And be
Finally free

NOW it's fixed =p

2008-08-30T17:05:00.003-05:00

So I went to the WAL*MART that's nearest my apartment that screwed up the tire last time this early afternoon. I had to wait like 2-3 hours!
Turns out that the other guy missed the fact that I had MULTIPLE leak points on my tire! So many, in fact, that the tire was no longer usable.
So, I had to get a new tire.
It was nice because they called the Manager forward to see if I could at least get a discount since it was their fault for missing it the first time. He thought about it for a little bit, and said "give him a free tire."
SQUEE!
I didn't have to pay for the service a second time, of course. So I only paid $9.50 for 2 services and a new tire!
Isn't that cool?
Maybe that is what this was all about? I have no clue.
So, that was really good customer service, go wal-mart!

I DO know it most certainly was NOT about getting a date.
There was this young woman (mid-twenties?) behind the counter that reminded me a little of Jozie. She was pretty, but still paled in comparison to Jozie who's stunningly gorgeous! I'm not sure why I thought of Jozie. This girl was shorter than me, had blonde hair but in the back had a longer piece of brown hair (that was weird, not alternative just weird).
Her name is Haley. Maybe Haley Jo, even. Jo is Jo, but it is kind of short for Josephine. Maybe that was it.
But, I didn't even get to talk to her much. So, I didn't get to ask her out. It depressed me because I couldn't figure out a way or even if I did a way to implement it.

I guess I'm kind of .. well, jealous isn't the right word. Proud I'd say. Proud of Jozie. Because she has made new friends there in her new home. And apparently God doesn't want me to have friends. Or a girlfriend. Or date even.

I wish Jozie would call me, and/or I could see her on cam. I miss hearing her voice and seeing her. The first thing I do is feel great and floaty when she does!

*telepathically asks her to call me ASAP*

The other person that really cheers me up no matter how emotional I am is my URU-pal, net-friend Katie! So, that message above applies to her as well :p But she won't call, but she CAN come onto Skype XD

Flat Tire NOT Fixed After All

2008-08-29T19:56:00.003-05:00

It was flat this morning, and the dummies put the hub cap back on wrong so I couldn't get to the air nozzle, and the air tube was full of holes, so I had to put the temp tire on.
It's still on because tonight I wasted my time trying to ge tit fixed. I went to the wal-mart by work, and their tire tech guy wasn't there. I tried to find one I hadn't been to the first time, but it was a bust, I couldn't find any more, so I gave up and came home.

And I'm pissed because of all that time wasted I missed the good part of one-time only apartment summer block party. So I didn't get to meet anybody, really. And I didn't win any prizes either. I did get a hot dog and some potato salad, but that's all I ate.

I don't understand why they think playing loud music at an event that is to meet your neighbors can work! You can't hear anybody! And most people just want to listen to the music. So, it's ridiculous you can't meet anybody!!! So, that was a waste of my time and energy as well!

IssUes - Flat Tire

2008-08-28T20:55:00.003-05:00

I wondered why, IN REAL LIFE NOT VISION OR DREAM, I kept seeing tires being flat or shredding or BEING tired and stuff. Always the same tire -- the rear driver side one.
Turns out MY rear driver's side tire was very flat!

I discovered it I think 3 days ago. A man pointed it out to me.
Then yesterday at work, I saw it and got help, and I was worried about having to drive it somewhere and pay to get it fixed. Even though later it didn't end up working out, the guy who filled my tire with air gave me a very good suggestion.

Well, this morning I woke up way too early (like 5 something, almost 5:30? The alarm goes off at 6 I have to leave not much later than 7:10) and couldn't go back to sleep. I now know why ... I knew as soon as I saw my car when i went to it at 7:09. The tire went flat again!
I didn't have enough time to at least fill it with air. I also didn't leave myself enough time to go slowly on a flat tire. I had to go as is and maybe chance upon a QuickTrip along the way close to the highway exit and with a close entrance back on.
Which didn't happen!
Again, I kept seeing cars with some kind of trouble with their rear driver's side tire, the last one being a car on the side of the road with a completely FLAT rear driver's side tire!
I tried to do a Reality Shift as Starfire Tor has taught us. I found a TimeLine where I drove to work fine and arrived on time and chose it and locked it into position. It must have worked, because I got to work fine AND on time!

Don't worry, it's fixed now! Interesting note about this is that it got done early. They were over worked and under staffed so it was going to take a very long time (an hour and a half to 2 hours) to finish it) but instead they chose my ticket to do BEFORE the guy who came in just before me so it only took less than an hour! I didn't expect that and I don't think I asked for that. It was nice, because I was tired adn out-of-sorts because I had a failed journey to find a tire place I was directed to after work, and had to go way off course and then find a turn around and get back and ... it was a mess! PLUS when I pulled into the place, I stopped at a stop sign for pedestrians and some stupid lady didn't stop even behind me and just drove to the close left of me where you weren't supposed to drive, totally disregarding all stop signs and not caring about pedestrians! I was so mad at her irresponsibility and Princess holier-than-though disregard for anybody else! GAH people can be SO annoying sometimes!

I wonder if someone else sent me this prophecy? I wouldn't be surprised if a certain friend. my LIPSWA, did *wink and smile*

IssUes ~ Two Tiny Predictions

2008-08-27T06:45:00.002-05:00

Iss - YOU - es =D It means what some call "psychic abilities" and others call "Gifts of the Spirit". Someone I know dearly calls them issues, and so I quickly said I don't care I want to hear about them and I still care about you and you shouldn't fear them to back that up I called it issYOUes, is-you's. Because I saw her despite them.

I had two tiny predictions:

1) Right before the news radio show woke me up this morning, I was dreaming/thinking about investment stuff. I have no reason to have done this, and I even wondered about it as I was thinking about it. It was one of those dreams without visuals.
Well, the very first thing I heard when the radio alarm popped on was about investing and stuff!

2) Someone was annoyingly teasing me yesterday at work. Not bully teasing, not mean really. Just annoying. Telling me my wife called. So, I was trying to be honest at first. I don't have a wife, but he kept going. So, for some reason, I decided on a counter-tactic saying that that was the wife of one of my alter-egos.
I gave him a name and a different town he lives in and stuff different from me. Like he's a diabetic and stuff. Just trying to be random and play-along while at the same time I was hoping my total randomness would get him to laugh and leave me alone.
Well, a little later, I thought of another little detail for this made-up thing.

He was born in Billings, Montana.

That's the important bit. I have no rhyme nor reason to say that! But I did. The second item on the news radio that woke me up this morning was about the Democrats and that Barak Obama heard Mrs. Clinton's speech from ...
Billings, Montana!

Dreamzzz ~ Buy Instead of Lease

2008-08-26T07:01:00.002-05:00

I am living in a residential complex. Somehow I know this one guy is having relationship problems with his girl, and she is much more at fault than he is.

Anyways, after doing some other stuff that I cannot remember, I see him again in his place. I don't think he knows that I know about him and his girlfriend (wife? girlfriend? I don't really remember) and I don't know a tactful way of bringing it up. I try to think of ways, so he can talk it out, but I just can't.

He tells me I should really buy instead of rent. He paid payments for this place till he owned it, Now he can sell it himself. He said it is time for me to do the same. He says he wants me to have this place. He even offers me deals and lots of kind things!

Is The Key In The Past? (influenced by Jozie)

2008-08-24T10:38:00.003-05:00

My friend Jozie has this in her blog:

"I wonder if maybe there is something there [her past] that could help me figure myself out... or to help me somehow make myself better or guide me through what's to come."

I wonder about that, too.

I keep distracting myself from continuing to write this entry, lol.

I am in a much better place now. At work everybody seems to like me and remember my name and be glad to see me! Even this grouchy old lady is more smiles and playfulness :)

My dad came over last week, last Saturday. I pray I am not as influenced by him anymore, but I pray even more that I am not like him in any fashion! He is able to convince people to do as he wills, for people to follow him, and to think it was their idea the whole time. I think he was born on the same day as Joseph Smith (Mormons).

I was polite and a good host. I invited him in, and I offered him food drink and a place to sit and talk. He kept on talking about himself and the family. He kept wanting me to notice things about him. That he isn't wearing glasses and his age. I think he does it to get attention, to get you pulled into his world.

I told him where I work! He wondered cause he saw the sticker on my car. So, he's stalking my car! By that I mean finding it in the parking lot here and getting right up to it. But it's OK, I told them at work and my boss understands and took my side right off and has warned that my dad is not to have contact with me at work.

He also said "I have contacts there." I said I was doing OK on my own. I told him I just had my 6 month evaluation and I got nothing but high praises, and things were going better than I hoped and I really liked it there. He never said he was proud of me or good job or anything. figures

I still didn't give him my home phone, though! He says he is most free on weekends. I dread him coming over again. I should have told him not to come over again, but I couldn't quite do that.how far I've come without my family! It served as confirmation that I made the right choice to not only move out, but slowly cease contact with them.

I guess the past is always happening. How long does the present last? How long does the future? the present and the future are soon the past.

I guess you'd have to figure out what importance to give the past. I think balance is the key, in everything. If you acknowledge the past, try to see what you did right and wrong and were just experimenting then you can move forward and do somethings again or not. But today is not tomorrow.

I don't know!

Even in a place with praise and good stuff, I still work as if I'm still in the past.

I'm not sure the key is there. Except to see how what you did affected other people, and how they affected you. You have to be in a place where you have healthy Boundaries between you and other people, and not trample on theirs as well.

Dreamzzz ~ Kit-Katie movie

2008-08-22T07:04:00.003-05:00

I am watching a movie on the small screen. A part comes up that I think is neat/funny, so I tell Katie she had to come see this! Then, as it plays out, it seems it involves female nudity. Came out of the blue. So, I said "nevermind" and changed the channel, but not right away. I was just shocked because there wasn't supposed to be any nudity in this movie. Had I seen it before and knew, or was it just from reading the rating/description? I watched a tad bit more, but my vision blurred and my attention wandered, so I was having trouble focusing and seeing if it was actually nudity or not. I never did see Katie, and I never got to change the channel before the dream ended.

***

Dreamzzz ~ Move Opposite To Me

2008-08-21T02:19:00.002-05:00

I kept finding my door unlocked. I am in a dorm like apartment.

One night, I hear all this commotion outside. What is going on? I know someone is outside my door. So, I quietly turn the lock so it's locked. But it gets unlocked so I hold the door closed. At first I cannot turn the lock back, but then I can. This happens again, and again. On the third try, I give up and let the door open. It's the manager or something. He is a super-dark skinned guy. He wants to move someone next door to me that is the opposite, hoping we'd learn something from each other and both be more balanced because of it. I protested. I was thinking they would be loud, rude, disrespectful, etc. I didn't want my life to be disturbed tat much. I have things to do, like homework or study or something. I didn't want to be stressed out with this. But, then I wondered if maybe he was right and it wouldn't be that bad.

Dreamzzz ~ "trainer", help in the maze of work

2008-08-03T08:49:00.003-05:00

I am in a spacious square room like a classroom. I am further led to believe that this is supposed to have the flavor of a classroom because I am sitting in a chair with the desk that is attached to it, looking like a comma (,).
There are others here, mostly milling around. My attention is on someone behind me. She is in the last row I am in the second to last row, and we are on the farthest right of the room.
I get a strong feeling that this is Amber from work. She seems to be closer to me than the desk part of her chair should allow. Sometimes it seemed she should have that desk part, but she was so close she couldn't have it.
I am focusing on her shirt. It is a black T-shirt with gold lettering over the middle of her chest. It says "trainer". The colors of gold on black and something about the font reminded me of Star Wars, but I couldn't grasp the connection in my dream.
So, I asked one of the people milling about if it reminded them of Star Wars. She said no, it's just a black shirt.
(I have an alternate idea that has come to me for this part:
This lady looks at me as if she is annoyed at the interruption and says, "Now, why would a black shirt remind me of anything worth talking about with you?"
I reply, "So, in your language that translates to "no", right?" and gave her a wink and a puckish smile. She turned her nose up at me and scooted off. Funny!)
So, I turn back to Amber. Again, I'm just looking at the shirt with the words above her heart Chakra. I consider that if only I can see them then they are meant for me to see. And because it is on HER shirt it is also meant for her like maybe she would get something (training from me?) out of what I see with her. Because I was the only one who could see it. I don't know if she could see it, she never spoke.

***

In a kind of segue to the next scene, I am called out of a room to help Beth the team leader at work. I see her off and on. At the same time I do and don't want to help. I feel very lazy and dreamy.
I am in a maze of hallways. I am not quite sure where I am going, but at the same time I don't feel that lost. Just a little. I just keep walking, exploring, smiling. Up ahead of me Beth comes around a corner and she's grousing about how stupid this place is, how it's a maze, and how lost she feels. I start to walk faster to catch her up, but then I feel like I don't want to after all, so I duck into a side hall. This is like a kind of balcony as well as a hallway, the balcony is on my left. I take the time to breathe a sigh of relief and smile before continuing to explore this place.

***

Seeker Times: A Sacrifice is needed?

2008-08-02T12:01:00.005-05:00

Star Spread of the Dream tarot deck from online Mystic Games:

The Hanged Man
A sacrifice must be made in order to gain something of great value.

Root of the matter

This card represents your present position. The Hanged Man indicates that there is a need for sacrifice. This will involve giving up something of greater value or significance. It is important to remember the voluntary aspect of this card: that there are choices to be taken and judgments to be made about what is important and what can be dispensed with. The notion of exchanging the mundane for the spiritual is the central theme of the Hanged Man. The essential meaning of this card is of sacrifice: the voluntary giving up of something in order to get something of greater value. This card represents the turning point in psychological development where you must come to grips with unconscious forces within you. You need to sacrifice control of your conscious ego by surrendering to the unknown territory of your inner world. It seems that this can only be done by conscious choice; it can not be inflicted by others or by the outside world ...

***

I got another card that said it was more a time to accept and see gifts given to me, and not so much concentrate on doing the giving. Instead receive.

This is important. I need to sacrifice my programming and the scales placed upon my eyes, my survival techniques and corrosion of my Sight. I need to shed the past. I need to relax, let go.

Just not sure exactly how to do it yet. But, thanks to the tools I have inside, and the Universe, and my online friends, and neat people at work, my sight is clearing up from the FOG OF WAR.

Control ... fend for yourself ... unreliability of others ... bitterness at love given but not received ... anger and frustration at deceptions ... negative barrage from others then internalized to be your own inner critic ... not grounding, swimming in the aether of dreams and emotions ... pressure to perform to others expectations that are not realistic or are misunderstanding of what you indeed offer and do ... invisible ruler and stopwatch ...

nothing I do is ever good enough for you!
you pick and choose what you see in me!
you confuse me with your positive and negative reinforcement!
All based on your broken glasses view of the world
WELL I DID NOT BREAK THEM!
Punish me for trying to repair them
THEN CALL ME WRONG FOR EVEN TRYING

that was then
this is now

I let that go ....
I let go of the hurt and the hurt emotions that go hand in hand
Help me to help myself to let go

Reconnect with the kingdom within me
love myself unconditionally
receive you've done enough giving
time to receive
if you don't receive you cannot have proper reception to tune into Truth, Love, God
if you block the reception, color others with the dark colors of the past, then you will black them out block them out.
yet ... at the same time, know you don't have to rely on others :)

***

it's a balance:
you have all the power and love you will ever need, it comes from Within
it is in every atom of existence .... God

accept that the other parts of the whole wish to help you help yourself
let them in
let them swim
allow them to share their abundance with you
they are not the same as those in the past

they see you because you see yourself
because they know you need to see yourself as you really are
because you seeing yourself only helps us all see ourselves as we really are
ONE

***

sacrifice your past
sacrifice your loss
sacrifice your expectations
sacrifice your programming
sacrifice your crippling fears and doubts
sacrifice your lack in trust from yourself to others to the Universe itself
sacrifice your pride and arrogance
sacrifice your suffering and pain
sacrifice your need for order and control
sacrifice your need for comfort and structure
sacrifice your unbalanced conversation between your heart and head
sacrifice your nay saying and negativity

accept your intuition
accept others help
accept loving yourself
accept ALL your soul's powers
accept your limitations
accept your limitations don't limit you and you can use them and change them
accept the past is passed and the present is now and the future is as maybe
accept you can
accept you are
accept you
and you can accept us all

***

The rest of the layout:

The Tower
Rigid or imprisioning structures need to be torn down and replaced with the new.

Feelings, emotions and relationships

This card represents your feelings, emotions, and relationships. The Tower indicates a time of abrupt changes in your relationships. Old ideas suddenly seem outdated and inappropriate. Existing forms need to be broken down in order to make way for new ones. You may be required to examine your beliefs and ideologies and must be prepared to strip away anything which is no longer relevant. This is a time which can be very liberating, however, the clearing of old habits and structures could leave you feeling vulnerable. The imagery of the Tower illustrates the shattering of your worldly illusions and the breaking down of false values and beliefs. Now the Tower which encases false philosophies must be shattered. The walls of false beliefs and values must be torn down as the divine lightning penetrates the underworld of the unconscious to dispel the dark forces. The fork of lightning is the flash of illumination which splits hell open and breaks down existing forms to make way for the new. At this point of your life, you must sort out for yourself which way is right for you. It is a point at which you must abandon whatever is not truly your own. It is often the case that, for years you have lived as you have been taught, even though what may have suited those who taught you might not suit you. There comes a time when your needs, thoughts and ideas need to be tested, evaluated and lived by. The conflicts inherent in your behavior when you attempt to structure your life by conviction are symbolized by the Tower, a narrow constricting edifice, and the lightning represents a flash of vision which is telling you to change and live you chosen way. In your relationships, the Tower denotes the necessary breaking down of existing forms to make way for new ones. New life and new ways are indicated; rigid or imprisoning structures need to be torn down and replaced. This card stands for the defeat of false philosophies and the triumph of true ones.

***

The Chariot
A struggle or conflict, yet strong potential for triumph over adversity.

Thoughts and career

This card represents your thoughts and career. This card suggests struggle and conflict ahead in your career, however, there is also a chance for resolution of such difficulties. It shows that there is plenty of energy and drive required to your achieve goals. It indicates that you possess the determination and self-assertion that is necessary for success. This card is also about conflict which opposites create. These opposite forces are often thought to be the carnal and spiritual forces within each individual which need to be balanced. They can also indicate the wish to go forward and the simultaneous wish to stay secure in the tried and tested. You as the charioteer must learn how to steer a middle course through the battleground of your opposing thoughts. However uncomfortable, the confusion brought by the opposition can be creative, for conflict is necessary to promote change and growth, no change results in stagnation. The Chariot represents that presently you possess the quality of energy needed to fight for a desired career goal. It shows a struggle or conflict for self-assertion is necessary. However, it can indicate a successful outcome is assured with triumph over difficulties and obstacles.

***

Strength
A time for self-awareness involving courage, strength, and determination. Heart of the matter

This card represents what is at the heart of the matter in your life. The card of Strength stands for instinctive desires and wishes, which should not be denied or repressed, but sometimes need to be controlled. This card represents the strength and endurance necessary to achieve self-control. It suggests that obstacles can be overcome through willpower resulting in a sense of mastery. The card shows courage, strength, and determination. It offers the possibility of achieving self-awareness, strength and determination. It stands for potential integration and individuality. This card indicates the need for courage, strength and determination. This card offers the possibility for self-awareness and the potential for integration and individuality. As a posible outcome, Strength suggests there is an opportunity for reconciliation with the enemy, either internal or external.

****

The Wheel of Fortune
A new chapter is starting; problems are solved through changes in circumstances. What is surfacing

This card represents what is surfacing in your life. The Wheel of Fortune signifies a new start. Soon, a new chapter will be opening which is neither positive nor negative, yet how the new energies are worked with will determine the eventual outcome. The image of the Wheel, forever turning, can be compared with the turning of the earth on its axis, endlessly revolving, bringing day and night, summer and winter, times of plenty and times of shortage. The best way to work with The Wheel is to accept its motion and try to live with what it brings in the most constructive way possible. The Wheel of Fortune is a symbol of stability and change. Each individual is responsible for his own destiny, and although circumstances are determined it is each individual who turns their own wheel to whichever point their true self dictates. So when joy or sorrow comes into your life it is not that misfortune or happiness has befallen you, but rather you have turned to face it. Fate does not seek you out, you turn to meet your fate. Often the fear of taking such responsibility upon our shoulders causes us to blame fate for the course our lives take. In reality, we are presented with choices and situations, and what we do with them is on our own account. For what is surfacing, the Wheel signifies a new chapter will be starting, a decision of importance will be made, a new run of luck will be commencing. But remember, the more you are aware of your own power over your destiny, the clearer things will appear.

***

Temperance
Mixing and blending of opposites; compromise and cooperation. Desires you have

This card represents desires you have in life. This card shows that you desire to learn how to mix, in their proper proportions, the opportunities of success and failure, growth and decay, joy and sorrow. The waters poured by the angel represent these different feelings and emotions. The care with which they are poured shows the benefit of moderation. Temperance offers the quality of compassion, taking into account the feelings in situations rather than just the factual circumstances. The feelings strive towards a sense of what the mind knows as Justice, Temperance strands for cooperation, and signifies compromise in marriage and partnerships. It is the card denoting balanced emotions. Temperance reflects a need for the mixing and blending of opposites. This card signifies the need inside you for cooperation and compromise in relationships, and the need for negotiation and sharing of feelings in order to achieve harmony. You long for successful outcomes to difficult situations and want to sustain control to balance out different elements.

***

Justice
Balance, wisdom and a need for rational, logical solutions. The outcome

This card represents a possible outcome in your life. Justice represents that in the future you will need to weigh things carefully and rationally in order to find fair, dispassionate solutions to future problems. It suggests there will be occasion for arbitration or that agreements will be reached through negotiation. Possibly you will be involved in legal dealings and there will be a need for balanced thought and impartial decision making. This card shows that the battle can be won using brain not brawn. Justice is telling you to discriminate, to make dispassionate evaluations and impersonal decisions that the intellect will be concentrated on in that stage of your life. You must learn to solve problems impartially, to weigh up, to balance and then make rational judgments. It stands for the need for a balanced mind. As a possible outcome, Justice stands for the future need to weigh things up to find fair and rational solutions, for reason and thought to override emotion, although at times Justice will be needed to be tempered with mercy.

--end--

Poemzzz ~ Angel's Trumpet Call, Dance of the Fairies

2008-07-28T17:46:00.007-05:00

Angel's Trumpet Call

I travel in the time it takes to make mistakes into new opportunities
Whilst you are secretly eying me like honey is to bees
You want a peace of me, please forgive me, but I did not bring that
But I bring something else and you can have it if you can see it
Seeing is behaving like the linked atoms that we are, of course
All is tall in the shadow of the light of the Creation Source
I will be like the shine on your star
I am the strings on your guitar
I am the song on your lips
My faucet will make you drip ... drip ... drip ... drip
Lovely lady, you just won a trip into my heart ... because you just fell
Falling softly like fluffy snowflakes, melting in the hell
They bring us trying to control, but we just slip past like water
Stars need to burn to shine, bring on the fire cause nothing could be hotter
Than you teaching me what I want to show you, then showing me what I see in you
If you can be around forever like a hill I'll stand there like a foo'

***

Dance of the Fairies (a.k.a. If Only)

Close your eyes to expectations so you can properly see me
RSVP no to the invitation to the reception for the deception
Look in my eyes and see your inner fire, return to the Tree
Let's lessen our fears and doubts so we can learn this lesson

Pull this snake skin off of me, I've outgrown it for another
I'll help you shed yours too, return to the Garden nakedly
For only if we can see no shame in being seen by Sky Dad and Mother
In nothing but our given skin will we be able to dance so free

Take it off girl, then get it offa me, love our enemy the snake
End the separation by calling each other by loving appellations
Don't you see it's deceiving to see us as land segregating lake
Let's join forces so we can sing the song of us ... sweet explorations!

Knocking early-morn Woke Me

2008-07-27T11:18:00.002-05:00

I was fast asleep, but something in the Waking World caught my attention.
I heard 5 knocks, much in the pattern of "shave and a haircut", on a doorway one over from me.
Then, softer, I heard the final 2 knocks (two bits!) on my door.

Why knock on my door? Or the one before?

I finally managed to open my eyes. It was around 3:40 am, I forget.

I finally managed to get back to sleep.

MIrror of God's Vision of You

2008-07-22T17:39:00.002-05:00

I can be a mirror
That shows you how God sees you.
I am a catalyst
For your soul growth.
I will let my eyes sing;
Introduce new rhythms into your heart.
Take my hand
And be transported to glorious new DreamWorlds.

Clear Lens am I, focusing ...
God's Light passes through me
Less and less impeded by my impurities.
Won't you help me to help myself,
As I do the same for you,
To help me shine even brighter?

(add something about love here)

Dreamzzz ~ Robin

2008-07-22T06:24:00.004-05:00

The last two nights I've been having trouble sleeping. I'll wake up around 4:45 or so, when my alarm goes off at 6. This morning, with my sheet and blanket going opposite directions and my dreams falling into chaos that I haven't written here, I finally decided to just get out of bed around 5:45 or something. Maybe it was earlier or later ... 5 something. I showered last night and I didn't feel like showering this morning for some reason. I'm half-dragging.

dreams:

I'm lying on my left side under a table outside. A robin comes up to me. Gets closer and closer, unafraid. I close my eyes and remain still, and it comes near my face. I barely move my hand, and I can pet it's breast. But, when I move my hand around to pet more of it from the back, it gets spooked and flies away.

analysis:

www.dreammoods.com says "To see a robin in your dream, represents new beginnings and time for growth. It may also be a pun on someone whose name is Robin."

There are 3 Robin's at work: Robin E my boss, Robin O who comes into medical records a lot (where I worked yesterday), and Robin the housekeeper. Not sure what they have to do with it.

Breast = heart, and head = mind. lying down = docile, sleeping or what?
is flying away good or bad, could be seen as both I suppose.

***

New things at this shopping center. Then I am somewhere I have to drive to it. I've got one person telling me I should go to this place, have fun; while another is telling me not to go yet, there is still construction. I want to go a short way, but the roads and traffic are all wrong. Someone else is driving or giving directions. I'm frustrated and depressed. I just want to get there, and we have to go this long way around to get there. The scene ends on the road, I don't get there.

analysis:
probably New Friend/Love is the new part in the shopping mall.
Now, how to get to it?
Want to just be there again, get there the most direct fastest path, but I can't.
So, of course that makes me frustrated and depressed.
What does it relate to?

Dreamzzz ~ Stud is Dud? or How I did not have sex in a sex dream

2008-07-21T06:29:00.003-05:00

Stud is Dud (or How I Did Not Have Sex In A Sex Dream)

I am inside some suburban house somewhere, I think. Here is the end of the dream that I woke up from ...

I am with this beautiful young woman. She is probably in her 20's? White, thin, dark hair with some wave to it (not plain straight). We were doing some things together in this house, I forget what. I feel like we've hardly talked, but I've talked to her enough to be semi-comfy around her, so this can't be our first meeting. Yet I'm still a tad nervous around her.

She lies down on the bed on top of the covers, and asks me to kneel down on the left side of the bed between the wall and the bed, and so I do. I want to type what she said or the themes at least, but I cannot recall them. She is touching herself, and then she is pushing her pants and panties away and touching herself there.
She is watching me watch her. I move from her hands to her eyes. She loves it more when I watch her hands move. Then she sticks her hand insider herself, but not balled up into a fist. That was both erotic and also felt weird to me. Wouldn't that hurt I wondered? Then she moved her foot to her "yoni" and rubbed her heel against it and put her heel a little inside too.

This looked very real. And no, I didn't watch porn before going to bed last night. I did have a female online friend who had the slogan "eat, drink, fuck sleep", and I was curious about that a little, but I don't know how much influence it was on this dream. Except that suddenly this woman puts her pants up and wants to go do a string of things quickly in a row, including having me fuck her.

I follow her outside. She is my height or slightly shorter maybe? She is holding me, half dragging me, by the hand. We go out the front door. That house seemed darker than I thought inside now that I am outside, which isn't particularly all that much brighter but still day.
She hesitates around a couple dogs. But they are fine, so we go on down the street to the left (back to the house). It's a neighborhood. We go down past a few houses, then she cannot wait any longer. "you're too god damned cute and I've never been so fucking horny, just fuck me now. Do a quickie, right up here against the wall, I don't care." or something like that.
"But, what if people can see us? There are some people out right now."
"Just shut up and-"
"Do you already have a boyfriend? I don't have any protection, is that going to be OK? Can't we go back inside and play with the mood more at-"
"I want you, and I know you want me way deep down-"

This is about the time the visuals of the dream end. But the audio is still on. And she's PISSED and follows me into the waking world!
"That's your solution? You just leave me ... like this? Here you have a hot sexy woman that wants you and it's a dream and you end it like that?"
Ohhhhh ... *winces* quiet. I don't want to hear you when I'm awake, dream's over.

So, I manage to get out of bed and jump into the shower. But her voice is still in my head! So, here follows dialogue influenced by that. Close to what happened, but not exactly, and here much longer than actual. But, this is not deception, it is properly influenced by truth to be included in truth.
"Nice, we can shower together, great idea!" But I refuse to visualize her or do anything but wash myself. She starts chewing me out.
"What's your problem with sex anyway?"
:(
"What are you scared of? You want it just like the rest of us do and you know it. Is this your negative arrogant side again? Do you think you're better than the rest of us? That having sex would be beneath you? Then why do you masturbate. Ha! See? So, it's OK if you just have fun by yourself, safe, huh? Nobody else to dirty up, huh? Just you and the women who are doing it with somebody else. Safe because you can watch somebody already doing it or what?"
... leave me alone, I just want to shower and get out and go to work ...
"Why didn't you take me, I was YOURS, and hello! it was a fucking DREAM! You can't get any safer sex than that! Jesus, even in your dream you were worrying if I had a boyfriend or if you would get a disease or if we would get caught or embarrassed or if I would get pregnant GOD too many worries all preventing you from being in the MOMENT! What, you're going to judge me now? Don't you dare, because this isn't about ME, it's about YOU."
Just going to rinse and move on ... but I got angry and then a little depressed by this.
"You are a grown man, you're almost 40 even! You are single. You also happen to be amazing and drop dead sexy gorgeous!"
I kind of question that
"Shut up! Jesus, what is wrong with you, really? You can't take criticism AND you can't take compliments? You say you are the Seeker of the Way and you want to lessen the deception in your life (and others if you can) and yet, here we are, at the very core of you, and we see that you can't deal the truth!"
OK, I'm just going to get out of the shower quicker than usual here :-S
"I can't believe I'm still hot for you, even tho you've made me all hotheaded about you. I swear, I've never been so pissed off and upset and still horny in my entire life! You did that, it was YOUR dream, but you couldn't follow through, could you. Why not?"
"Well of COURSE we could have stayed inside, but you didn't did you? Suddenly we're going outside, why did you dream that? That's RIGHT! To get this issue out in the OPEN, into the DAYLIGHT, so you can EXAMINE it."

and it's 7:12, I have to go to work!

And I'm back home now from work. She has a lot of valid points here!
I've got to figure this out and heal this, this is crazy, sex is just as much a part of life as anything else. It's not dangerous or a sin.

It's a tool like everything else. If you use a bottle to quench the thirst of someone in the desert, that's good. If you use it to bash someone's face in like in "Pan's Labrynth", that's bad. But, it's JUST A BOTTLE.

Hrmms, I'll have to work on this more. It's a sticking point. The female was right.

SHE IS RIGHT

Dreamzzz ~ Shopping District & HomeWork

2008-07-18T06:38:00.002-05:00

I start at a school like place.

But then I go out.

I end up in this small town or small part near a bigger town. It's on a steep hill, this small shopping district, surrounded by farmland and nothing-to-look-at.
There is a lube place, a club/bar, and another shop. Lots of people here.

Now I am in a home, I think. I don't see a lot of it. It is like my parent's house. My family is there.
I should be working on a project or two from school. I think I have a paper to write, but sometimes it feels like a bigger project than just written words. But I keep getting pulled away from it to do mundane stuff or things I don't want to do.
For two mornings in a row, each time I take FOREVER to get ready! I take the LONGEST shower, the longest time getting dressed, and the longest time getting ready to go.
I kind of notice this, but it's my family that is irked the most. But, they cannot do anything to speed me up.
My dad wants me to do some kind of work. Hard work. Useless labor as far as I can tell. No WAY am I doing that, no matter what he says! I think it was digging a long ditch?
My mom wants me to do as Dad says. I'm sticking to my guns and not doing it, period. Everybody's job seems to be only do what Dad says, amazing!
I remain defiant.
I'd rather work on my school project(s).
The first time I wake up and take a long time getting ready for the day, I don't really work on my homework, but I also am steadfast in not doing work with my Dad.
I tell Mom and everybody else (Dad isn't there to hear) that my mind is made up. I need to do my school work. I also say for the next day that I'm going back to school. I say I need to work on those projects instead.
My Mom half relents. But she says that on the way back, I'd have to spend the night somewhere, and "your father has gotten a place for us, you can just stay there." I try to argue my way around that, but nothing seems to work.
So, I wake up the next morning, and after getting ready, I spend time working on a project and playing too. I've got lots of stuff out, my own and my sister's.
One of the things I am doing is looking at this thing that is like a combination of a book, an audio book, a movie, and a computer game. I cannot clearly recall it's story line, but it was pretty much modern day drama slightly surreal stuff. Had a danger element to it, like a mystery or suspense-thriller.
Then my sister came in, but I never saw her. Then I got busy separating her stuff from my stuff, and in general trying to make sure all my stuff, and ONLY my stuff, was in my backpack or some kind of carrying cases.
Then we left. I still wanted to leave on my own, but there i was in the car not driving. My mother was, and my sister was there too. The two of them were discussing the directions given to them.
It was open land, maybe farm land. There were big poles like electric or telegraph or something spaced evenly along the way. Those are the landmarks, and they each had a letter-number combination on them.
We finally arrive at a big stop. Is this THE stop? I cannot get a clear answer on this.
We stop at a small town/shopping district. I see a store that seems to sell like coffee and stuff, I am not sure. It's logo is a crown. The crown is actually two initials, an S and a W. The S winds around weird so the top of it points up to form a high middle part of the crown and then the S curves wide around to form the round part that fits on your head. the W is on the top.
It is in glowing red.
Others are still with me. I sense my mom. She doesn't know where we are. So, I start looking for landmarks.
I see the back of a store further up the hill. They are like 4 or so garages, all lit up, with navy-clad workers there.
I realize this is the back of the lube shop!
I know where we are!
I move around to the right and around the corner I am now at the front of the lube place.
Amazingly, it's the place I visited at the start of the dream!
There's the lube place, and the other store, and the dance/club/bar place! And all the people. and the hill, and everything!
The lube place is called something like YAT'S SERVICE. Yat's is supposed to sound like "Gas", but "Gas Service" was copy written or something, so they changed it to Yat's. It was written in all caps in slightly rounded taller than wider letters. I think the letters were red again.

Dreamzzz ~ Cut to the Chase

2008-07-16T16:46:00.003-05:00

I dream I am in a house. It is kind of like my parent's house, but not it. I am in a suburban area.
Some people arrive that are not happy with me for some reason. Even though they arrive, they somehow remain distant.
I realize I have to get away from them. They will never listen to me. I leave in a car with somebody else.
I am not sure who this other person is. Male, feels close like a cousin, but I do not know who they are meant to be in the dream.
So, we get away. Drive away, trying to loose them from street to street.
Feels like a group of very dangerous guys, suits, like the mob or the Shadow Government of something.
We HAVE to get away from them, but how?
We manage somehow to get far enough ahead of them (for one thing our car corners faster and is lighter so is a bit faster) to try to turn somewhere and hide.
We come to an intersection of a busy street. We turn left. The driver thinks the best place to hide would be also the least likely place to hide.
We turn into what seems to be a groupings of houses. Like a gate community or a duplex except there are more than just 2 houses connected.
They are white with blue trim. This comes up many times in my dreams, I associated it with myself in many ways (I have white skin and blue eyes), with another kind of being (the dakini), the daytime sky (which makes me think of Heaven/Above) and other things. Interesting side note is that in real life when my car got graffiti it was blue paint on my white car, so it was in a way a sign!

anyways, here in the dream ...
We can turn to around to the right side because there is an L shape to the houses so you can turn around and face a house and not be seen from the road.
My companion is sure this is a great place to hide for a few moments. I think so as well
BUT
I can't help but feel trapped as well, and helpless. IF they find us, we have no escape, really. Our options are very limited if we have any.
But my companion thinks it's just great.
No, it's not! We need to think of things to do.
No, we don't, it's just fine.

Then I wake up with my thoughts still trying to figure out what happens next in the dream even with no visuals to back it up.
I didn't want to go back to sleep.
I don't know why, it wasn't a nightmare that had some terrifying or disgusting imagery.
It must have just struck too close to home.

***

I am sure it is fear of punishment. Fear of things going wrong/not like I hope they would right when all seems to be going well.
It is because the environment of this job is too good to be true.

And, I found this girl there that i really like.
That is a sure sign of disappointment to come =(

meh, I'll handle it ... somehow.

Dreamzzz ~ Abandonment

2008-07-15T02:33:00.005-05:00

If this is written wwird it's because I woke up from this dream and I'm not ready to be bu up for good yet.

Packing in a Room

I just recalled this one before the others. I was in a house kind of like my parent's house. I am in a room, looking over stuff to pack. They complain about me leaving them and also tell me to go. So, after I start a second bag, I go downstairs.
The first duffel bag is the bigger of the two, and it is a dark blue. The second one I start is a pale brown.
I try to be downstairs, but I can't help but go back upstairs. I go back to surveying the bags and the stuff in the room. A male figure suddenly appears unseen to me and starts talking to me. He is not anybody I've seen here yet, like the one's who wanted me to go back downstairs. He has dark brown hair and is athletic build. He wants to know about the bags.
I stare at them. I want to pack them more, but I don't. I just stay where I am. I forget what is all in the bags. I think a teddy bear is in there, some kind of stuffy.

(((

I am with a female figure. Taller than me ?, dressed in white clothes, dark hair?, older than me? Like a Mother?
We take a short airplane flight.

Now I am on this mountain that is very green but sparsely wooded. Seems fake. Is it really inside? I've been left here by the female. In one way I'm glad, but this is a strange place to be left at.
I go up the mountain, as i do, a young male figure walks around me, but not in my personal space, saying I had to help him, he couldn't do it. OK, I thought, and helped. I forget what it was, I think I had to escort him up the mountain or something, it's vague. It felt like a chore. I half wondered why he couldn't do it himself, was this some kind of trick? Was I helping someone who was undeserving?

Later I came back to this place (after paying scene, before museum scene). Similar situation. But this time I was more unsure of this guy, and there was more obstacles/tasks/dangers. Like a living game. I stand there, looking at all of this in front of me, and I tell him no, he's going to have to do it himself. "But I can't touch the doors, you HAVE to open them for me!" I say "I don't 'HAVE to' do anything." and I left that place.

Now I am at a counter. I'm supposed to be asking questions, but instead I am paying with a credit card. Am I paying for my flight, for my stay? The female figure is still here somewhere I think, but the main player here is a dad-like figure. You see, I am being sneaky. He does not want me to pay my own way, he doesn't think I can, besides HE has to be the one who provides. I cannot provide for myself.
... yeah, definitely my dad, lol!
The man taking my credit card information is very calming, seems very "upscale", very polite, very helpful. He kind of reminds me of Riley actor in "Stepbrothers". He guesses and I tell him that, yes, he isn't going to want me to pay but I'm doing it anyway.
My dad is doing something else behind a glass partition. I can see him, can he see me? I could go to him, but he can't come to me, it feels like. He is usually up and pacing.
It's a bit more complicated process than I thought it would be to pay. The man behind the counter is great though. He calmly walks me through each step so that I understand right away what he is talking about while at the same time I don't feel like he is treating me as inferior for having to go through all of this and sometimes not getting it right away. He's very nice!
Once I'm done, then I see my dad again. He can't believe I paid! He immediately calls my card holder and tells them that a large amount is about to come through. I don't understand why he did that, and tell him so. I tell him it won't be the first one, and they don't need to be warned about it.
He just looks at me with a strange look of "who are you?" and "I knew that" and "isn't that cute, he thinks he can do it, but I am right and I can safely ignore what he just said"

Now I am back with just the first female figure that is kind of like my mom. She is taking me into this large center. It is like a shopping mall. It's mostly white and silver in here.
She takes me to a place that seems to be like a museum at first. But it seems to be many things at once.
She asks if I have ever been to a place that sounds to me like it is for little kids, like "crayon" something?, and I say no. She then seems determined that I see the place. I don't see why she thinks I'd like a place meant for little kids. Apparently it "will be good for me", and she just can't believe I've never been so I'm going. I think she may volunteer here, as well, so ...
We walk through these pneumatic doors, she goes through first and I follow her. As we start to walk around, I remember that a co-worker comes here sometimes to volunteer. So, I start to look around for her.
I think of a specific person, actually. She is taller than me and blonde and her name is Amber. It would be a relief to see a kind face I know in this place just now! So, I look around, and I see other females, but it's never her. This saddens me, I was so hopeful! oh! Maybe she's in there, behind that door! I feel she is, I'll just pop in and say hi.
But no. My female companion's voice cuts in and forces my attention back to her, and I loose my place and start following her again.
We pass a theater like place. It is more than a plain movie theater, but I'm not sure what else it is. It is more for young kids. This actually looks intriguing, even if it also seems a bit intimidating. I want to check it out, but she is walking away quickly and stiffly, demanding I follow her. Since we walked into this place, all I've seen of her is her back! This frustrates me.

We walk down these stairs. It is like a circular display of the movies playing, but it seems like more than just advertisement. There is something more about this area, something more connected to the movies and that theater, but I don't know what. I stop to investigate it a bit.
I cannot recall all the movies, but one is definitely "Space Chimps". Wait, is that playing now, or is it an poster for a future film? It would be weird if it were out now because it is a future film. I don't know if it is playing now.
The posters were tall, slightly rounded, set in the floor in this circular place in the middle of the walk. I wish I could recall the other movies.
Another poster that seemed different than the rest I got a feeling of the comedian Robin Williams. It seemed to be his face. Then it seemed to focus mostly on his eyes! This is neat!

But then I am called away by my female companion. Frustrated again, but I silently follow her again. We pass by some uniformed people. It's like they are stewardesses, but it's out in the open. No, more like museum docents? But what are those things they are by on this balcony? They are kind of like security gates. They are silver tube lined clear partitions. I do not know what they are for. I want to stop and ask, but I have to keep walking. She is a stiff fast walker.
We go down some stairs. She is faster than me and it is hard to keep up. She isn't speaking to me anymore. I enjoy the silence, but I also worry. Is she mad at me? I care and don't at the same time.
Then we turn a corner. Somehow I have lost sight of her. Did she go down the straight ahead? I go down them a bit, but I don't see any sign of her.
Maybe instead she went down the other stairway to the left. It is wider. I go down a little and look around there. Still no sign of her. But down there is busy, lots of people walking around, as if at a mall.
She can retrace her steps to find me.
She can call someone to look for me where she last saw me.
She will look around and see I'm not following her, won't she?
...
I should stay put or try to find her. I do stay put for a few seconds. But, I'm too restless and curious. I go around a different corner on this floor, and soon after a few short hall way turns, I find myself stepping into this room.

There is some sofas and other furnishings in this room. There is a man in here. I recognize him. Why, that's Kevin from AVG!
Kevin is a real person, by the way. He was the sound engineer at AVG where I worked for 11 years until being laid off in early Feb. 2006. He was a great guy, so I don't know why he is in this dream (don't remember dreaming about him before, and this is long after I've been there), shrugs.
Kevin has a hat on. He also has a kind of mask covering his mouth and nose. He recognizes me and seems pleasantly surprised to see me.
Then I realize there are others in the room. They are all wearing these masks, but they are in different styles. One looks more like a tight-chain-mesh silver strainer. Another adult male is wearing that. Suddenly I wonder if I've interrupted some kind of drug den. Is it like ether?
That is the word that comes into my mind, but it is more like "aether".
I have mixed feelings now. I should leave them alone. They won't hurt me or think I'd tell, would they? What is going on here? Should I try it too? Yes no yes no yes no stop go.
I turn to go, and there are a couple young women here. In there mid 20s? One is sitting alone in the middle of a 3-cushion couch. She is very beautiful, I feel drawn to her. I go up to her. A big part of me wants to flirt with her. I want to take her mask off her face so I can kiss her.
In a way I do this.
In a way I don't.
I do and don't at the same time.
Before I can tell which I actually do, I am walking outside the room. There is another gorgeous young woman! She has silky straight long hair, platinum blonde maybe? I also want to flirt with her. Again I get a weird double-feeling of two events happening at the same time, but this one is interrupted.
The rest of the people in that room come out to us. Suddenly, we realize that all the lights are off. Nobody say them turn off, which surprises us. It just suddenly is. Some say they saw them go off, but the others question that while some go along with it. I know I didn't see them go off, they are just suddenly off.
So we slightly panic, and start to try to find an exit or ... something.
That is when security finds us. They are nice. They want to escort us out. I fear for the people I am with, will they be found out IF they were doing drugs or something not kosher? I do not want them to be caught, they are nice and were not doing any harm. They never harmed me.
A small part of me doesn't want to be arrested for simply being in the same place as those people were IF they are considered to have done wrong. I know they would vouch for me, in that I just happened to walk in on them, and I didn't participate, and I am a good person, but I am not sure that would do me much good and I would get a kind of punishment from this. I thought this as we went down stairs different from the two I saw before.
But nothing bad happens.
I turn around me, looking for one of the girls to try to flirt with her again. She had been flirting with me, back. This flirting I liked and at the same time I wasn't sure how to see it at the same time.
But she's not there.
Suddenly, none of them are.
It happened as I was near exiting the doors.

Suddenly some young guy is harassing me as I walk through the many clear doors. He has dark brown hair that's short and mussed up, brown eyes, he's 5 foot 5 or so, about 130-140 pounds. He is sexually harassing me.
I seem different now. I may be female right now.
Because he's stepped up the sexual harassment. He says he just wants to touch my nipples. I am trying to get away from him now. At first I thought he may be OK to flirt with, but I quickly realized my mistake and tried to get away but he won't let it go.
He is now sticking close to me. He is making me feel so uncomfortable, but he won't leave me alone. He keeps grabbing me by the arm, but I keep grabbing his wrist or arm and swinging it around to get it off of me. Or swinging my arm around so he looses his grip. Like Akido. But he just won't stop.
Finally I face him and yell at him and demand that he stop! I'm pissed off and I'm standing up for myself and enough is enough, it ends now! I get this sense that he and a friend want to sodomize me!

Things switch again. I am me again, or at least male. I am all by myself in a concrete courtyard. Is this Des Moines, Iowa? Where am I? I remember the female companion that brought me here. I can't recall if there is anybody here at all. If they are, none of them are her and none of them acknowledge my presence.
She's left me.
I feel abandoned.
I feel this so strongly, I wake myself up with this feeling.
This feeling of being dragged along having to follow her and then being left all on my own in a strange place.
I feel alone
abandoned

***

I don't know if this has anything to do with my dream, but I just heard the news this morning that they found the two guys who a young woman reported molested and sodomized her. ~ hooray for justice!
Still .. wish she had gotten the best of them BEFORE they abused her >.<
Maybe I was trying to dream that for her, make that TImeLine for her.
Don't know why, or if I did, but that would be cool.
At least they caught the guys!

Dreamzzz ~ Musings, Another Life, Alien Scare

2008-07-13T09:17:00.002-05:00

As I laid down to sleep, I listened to the mix I (allowing Spirit come through me) made for a woman at work named Amber.
... and we are meeting in the hallways of work. Many scenes that slightly overlap and slightly repeat each other. More like ideas or thoughts in my head, kind of like my junk dreams, but slightly more dream like than that.
One of them is her coming up to me, with big eyes like the elf queen in HellBoy, and smiling an inviting smile. I know from outside myself (Spirit I'd say) what to do. I put my left hand on the side of her arm near her shoulder, and my right hand cradles the pinkie side of her arm at the wrist, and my thumb runs soft circles around her inner wrist. Seems like a healing/communication for the both of us - a balanced energy exchange.
There were some other scenes, mostly musing on if what there is between us. I got a sense in this dream that we were slightly testing each other, doubting what we already knew. That we already knew each other from before. That we only had a few things to "work out" from those past times", but otherwise all the times before when we were together, it was basically OK. I sensed no big bad "stuff" from before. But, questions lingered, wonders and worries.
I should have tried harder to sense what our past lives were like together before. But, I didn't. It was more vague like musings in the work hallways. But, tho there were slight worries, nothing bad happened and it all just happened naturally.

***

Now I'm waking up to my alarm. Seems just like my real-life alarm, same position shape size and all. But the reception is much better. I hear a really beautiful song. Then commentators come on. They say it's from someone who once played with enya. Then the other one corrects them and says it was Dido.
It seemed so real.
Then I finally got up in this dream, and I'm waling around this room, and I forget my old life it's so real.
Soon I have a room mate, who is telling me I missed something. I feel kind of bad, but I shrug it off. If I were meant to go, I would have been woken up.
Then he talked about all this homework. A song we were supposed to study and reading we were meant to do. I guess it was meant to make me worry. I worried a little, but not a lot.

***

At the end, I had a surreal almost-nightmare. It was like ALIEN. A woman that looked like Sigourney Weaver (Riply) opens her eyes to see that she is attadched to a organic machine as she stands by a sink. There she sees a baby attached to a similar machine. She unhooks it all, but she isn't able to keep it alive. Better that then have it be born evil. Then she decides to do the same for herself. But, she survives the process. Still unsure, she goes to the mirror. Terrified of what she will see for her inner mouth is numb, she opens it shaking and shows that she has her tongue there and it is normal. She is OK!

Dreamzzz ~ Friends?

2008-07-11T06:56:00.003-05:00

I get out of my car and I'm walking across this parking lot. There are two males and a female also going across this parking lot to the same destination, but they have skateboards. I feel a bit out of place without a skateboard of my own.
We get inside the bar, and I take a seat at the counter. I order some drink, forget what. Sure it was NOT alcoholic. I try to talk to the others there in two ways at the same time. One just to try to fit in, the other trying to find out who they are and be there.
I tell them that I never skateboarded but for a few seconds, but I did listen to some cool music, and rattled off a few bands. That seemed to be cool. They seem younger than me by almost 20 years, odd.

***

Strange how the one I had before I woke up is less clear in my head, lol
...
I'm not as much in this one, it's more like I'm watching it from outside, like on TV/movie or a kind of moving comic strip. I'd go in and out of it.
I'm following this guy. He's kind of ... rough around the edges.
One time, we're going down a street, it's like a side-scroller. I see suburban houses and trees.
Then we come to a special place like a school. But the place is called TEEN something. "That's an odd name for a place" I thought. It was full of boys and girls 13-19 only.
I saw a couple different signs for the place. One was written on pink granite I thinks with big roman letters TEEN. Another had other words around the word teen, but I forget what they were.
At the end, there was a cute girl dressed in summer clothes or some kind of uniform.

Dreamzzz ~ Danger & Promise

2008-07-08T06:51:00.002-05:00

I really feel like I am here.
I can sense little details, like litter in the corners and grit on the ground.

I am in a house. A group of people want to tell me what they have found. I was able to see some of what they want to show me already, I don't know how.
They were excited and happy for me because a female had left me all these messages. Voice and video.
She seemed apologetic and good-natured and fun.
She shows video of a small rodent pet playing around some items. And a video of herself. But, she does not look like I think she should. She looks kind of like a stereotypical which. She looks to have an old face on a young head. Her nose is severely hooked over, and her eyes are all wrinkly, otherwise she looked like she was a very very young 30. She shows her tummy, an d it looks all scarred and wrinkly, but also muscle and thin. I couldn't tell what I was seeing.

These people were all excited for me, thinking she was doing a good job apologizing and showing herself to me and stuff. I wish it was like that, I want it to be, but i have my doubts and fears. I don't know what to do about it. I wish they would drop their too-fast eagerness to think this is what will make me happy. I know it may not be, and I don't like the pressure of that kind of expectation. I will only disappoint them all.

***

Watching a media center. Watching video, listening to a radio show like DREAMLAND. An informative show!

***

I am walking around at low light (dusk most likely) in an apartment complex. There seems to be threats here. One car drives by and I sense threat from them, but they didn't manage to harm me. I am walking towards my car, and this man in a car is talking out loud. It seems like he is talking about me. He is talking about his bad times, and he does not appreciate my t-shirt or my attitude. It seems half crazy! I can't read my own t-shirt. I go around another route towards my car. I walk around this abandoned building. I start to walk towards my car, when I see a canine that seems menacing. A large dog or wolf. I think it senses me, so I turn to look for protection. I see a couple girls walking into the woods together.
Instead of warning them about the wolf, I follow them. I don't say anything. I would like to say I did it to create a crowd so the dog would be less likely to harm me, but my main thought was ... maybe it would follow them instead, they might know how to handle it better than I can. They see me following them, I wasn't that slick about it anyway, and then they run away from me, giggling, teasing me. So, I let them go and run back to the abandoned building hoping ot find shelter there.

555 keeps coming up in my life, recently

2008-06-29T20:38:00.004-05:00

So I am going to add instances of 555 sightings here. This entry, therefore, is going to be a work in progress, for how long I don't know.

It all started with a dream I had awhile back on June 22nd where I woke up from the dream and saw the clock read 555, then woke again and saw the clock change from the date of the night before to that day's date within like 5 seconds tops. That is what made me feel that 555 was something to watch out for.

Next I felt compelled to see a movie around 6 pm on Monday. I checked times out on a different browser by instinct or whatever, and it turns out it was for the wrong theater. When i arrived at the place I go to NOW, they said the movie actually started 5 minutes before at 5:55. Too bad it was in theater 4 lol. I added this addendum to that dream entry.

Then on Friday going to work, I noticed that on the highway that is 65, the road construction speed of 55 started right next to exit 5, so 555 again.

Today it occurred again. When I returned from the store, I felt compelled to see the time, and it was 5:55.

***

above is for more 555 entries, here is about what 555 may mean. By researching the net, and also intuition I hope I gain.

RESEARCH:

my Kiwi friend Heather sent me this:
555 - Buckle your seatbelts. A major life change is upon you. This change should not be viewed as being "positive" or "negative" since all change is but a natural part of life's flow. Perhaps this change is an answer to our prayers, so continuing seeing and feeling yourself to be at peace.

INTUITION:

MUST READ: Game Plagerizes others, and is still bad - funniest and saddest story yet!

2008-06-28T14:33:00.006-05:00

IF DAVID ICKE WERE A GAME, THIS WOULD BE IT

(If you don't know who Dick e is, he is a compiler. In other words, he steals everybody's else's ideas, stitches them together in the most crappy way with his own very horrible stitching, but doesn't name a single source! He puts them all up as HIS ideas and if anybody calls him on it, he denies it and says they are part of the conspiracy but pretty much just feigns innocence)

wow ... the PC point-and-click adventure game that's been in development for like 10 years or so was finally released here, and it was found that it used scenes from other well known games! It did not do it SAYING it was doing it, but tried to pass off it's work as it's own, which is ILLEGAL you cannot make money of another's work!

Now the game company is trying to say it was the fault of outsources, and they had no idea. Which is lie upon lie upon lie. First, they didn't have any money to outsource, 2, as one put it "that would be like going to McDonald's and having the employee walk over to Burger King and bring it back to you." 3) We can see the Amiga screen shots (so the story that this is a game long in development IS TRUE) that the old development art and rendered screens made for a demo were plagiarized as well!
ALSO some unnamed sourced at the publisher's says that they had no idea and it was the work of the outsourced team. BUT from interviews and forum statements, it seems that this was a very personal work from the main game developer Steve Bovis. Even if it let you get the game made and published, would you be so willing to let your "baby" of at least 10 years in your head go to somebody else without more of your careful scrutinizing it?
But that isn't the case, Steve is on record saying it's his work!

"Hi all,
The graphics are created thus:-
The backgrounds are created in 3D GAMESTUDIO A6 , they are textured, lit and then I place a camera at a certain position and grab a still. This becomes the initial background plate.

Then I take a cut of all the light areas, like where the torches are etc. I create small animated sprites of the light which thus creates a torch flicker on the walls when ran really fast. (You have to be quite subtle with this tho!)

All the characters are modelled and then put into POSER 5 where thay are manipulated, I also use MIMIC 2 to lip synch the recorded voices to the chracter models.

The shadows are not 100% accurate as they do fall on the floor wrongly but are only there for ambience, when the whole thing is running with flickering torch light, shadows and animation it REALLY works.

Plus alot of pain staking game mechanics like the PIP (picture in picture) interface and the OUIJA board."
http://forum.dead-code.org/index.php?topic=749.msg5825# (six posts down)
see all the I I Is?

What is also scary is how this seems to be some kind of money scam. Just had an actual product for a publisher to box up and sell in stores, which seems rather daring. I guess they thought they could get away with it long enough to get money!

But, what I wanted ot add is that they didn't seem to be paying people up front for their work, check this comment out a few posts down the page from the one above:

"I have looked on other sites for a programmer scripter, But they all want money and payment etc without the passion of working on the title.

I am after someone that WANTS to be part of our team and wants to work on the project, that loves adventure games etc etc

Not just someone that does some scripting and has no imagination.

They will have a proportion of any money made form the project depending on work done on the project."

Can you believe the gal here, the raw naked deception? The last sentence is my favorite! So, you do all this work for them, and IF they get it all done apart from the scripting part and IF it is published and IF it sells, then you will get paid. BUT, you will get paid a mysterious "proportion of any made" from the project, NOT FROM GAMES SOLD see? and then, they add another stipulation that it depends on the work done. Meaning, that if they decide they don't like your scripting, they can give you less money, totally at their discretion!

Luckily, they got caught at it, but somehow it got so it was actually PUT INTO STORES! That's right! And what is worse is that, seeing the poor quality of the game, it was priced way too high. THAT is the sole fault and greed of the publishers who distributed the game, so I would blame Tri-synergy for that.
For example, a far far far far FAR better game is Culpa Innata, but they admit to using graphics that are not modern (but still light years ahead in quality to this one), and I found it at best buy new at $14.99. Which is reasonable for a big chain to price it.

They were thinking they could get away with this! They were even trying to rope people into working on a sequel! :-o

Check this out:

Gordon: So have any more recent games influenced your current project?

Steve: The project is more influenced by film and literature rather than other games, we want the experience to be as original as possible and as such we have made a calculated effort to keep away from other games in the genre. Limbo of the Lost is an experience first and foremost, secondly wrapped up in a game media and genre.

http://www.quandaryland.com/jsp/dispArticle.jsp?index=795

Well, you probably want to know what this is, so I'll give links now:

This is the guy who discovered it first:
http://www.gameplasma.com/limbo_of_the_lost_or_oblivion.html

There is a wiki on it, THIS wiki focuses more on the plagiarism controversy:
http://lotl.wikia.com/wiki/Limbo_of_the_Lost_Wiki

small article on the controversy:
http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2008/06/12/limbo-of-the-lost-an-astonishing-tale/

larger collection of the controversies and news:
http://kotaku.com/search/Limbo%20of%20the%20Lost/Limbo%20of%20the%20Lost/

Here is a story on the developers:
http://www.kentmessenger.co.uk/paper/default.asp?article_id=9644&slide_id=1&newspage=2&searchkeyword=&searchpage=1

and, saving the best for last, the "it wasn't me, it was the on-armed man" ploy from the game decelopers themselves:

" In response to the shocking notification that some alleged unauthorized copyrighted materials submitted by sources external to the development team have been found within the PC game Limbo of the Lost, we (the development team) have given our consent and full cooperation to both publishers who are recalling all units from all territories immediately.

Please be assured that we do not condone in anyway the use of unauthorized copyrighted materials and if we had been made aware earlier, we would of course have ceased development of the product and rectified the issue prior to the publication process."

this is why the phrase "yeah, right!" was invented!

(article talking about it here - http://kotaku.com/5019034/limbo-of-the-lost-devs-protest-innocence)

***

This is such a bizarre story. Because it seems they have a original ideas mixed in with taking from others, they even call it "mixing fact with fiction"! You might think this is some kind of mistake, the wrong disc went out it was just a kind of game pre-viz meant as an early way to help them with their game design (but why is it a full game? why would the makers spending so much time on it not notice? ESPECIALLY since they said they purposefully did not look at any other games, so that cant' be used as an excuse).

Next you may think this is a sad lesson for them to trust others with the making of their game. But why would they outsource so much if it is in their heads? And the evidence is more that even if they got a lot of free owrk form people (like they tried to do with scripting) it is utlimately their responsibility to see how THEIR BABY is developing!) The most damning evidence against this being the fault of outsourcing is 1) Steve said he did it himself 2) evidence from a decade ago of plagerism form other games!

Also funny how the end credits don't list any outsources! Only three names,and Steve Bovis is right there listed as doing the graphics. Check out this clip, and others on this game if you are curious! You'll be amazed at just how bad it is. You know about B movies, this one is more like a C- lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1cRUEjpQbI

Dreamzzz ~ Worlds Within Worlds

2008-06-27T18:03:00.004-05:00

This is the most complex, long, and detailed dream I've had to date. I wish I was a director like Luc Besson and could translate this to storyboards and right into a movie like he did with The Fifth Element, because after that this would be the most visually popping movie.
So, the account of the dream here, in mere words, cannot do it any real justice.
Therefore, I've decided to use images and ideas in this dream and ideas I'm having now to write something up. This is only the first few scenes, and also as far as I can extrapolate from my dream so far.

***

We start on the face of two harsh scared warriors, close up, in profile, one on the far left of screen the other on the far right. One has dark hair and dark complected and has the very detailed "pockmarked" face of a male. The other has whitish blonde hair and a very pretty face of a female. They are both sweating and scowling at each other. We can see the intensity of their internal energy building, collecting, for to soon erupt. We watch their lips curl and and their eyes glow like embers. We see them shake.
Then at the exact same time, they throw back their heads and roar! We pull back and back and back as they roar. We see we are in a kind of auditorium with free floating elements and crowd with a small number of people in the crowd that are clearly separated by placement and color. The auditorium is oval shaped, perhaps even eye shaped.
We understand that the warriors aren't real warriors, but part of an act. This is a kind of show and reenactment of a kind of Creation Myth. We move instead closer to the crowd. We float over the faces of the audience totally entranced by this event, then we pass over some empty seats until we reach the different people. We find them, and they don't look quite as enthused, perhaps they are shocked by it, or maybe they are putting on a ruse?
An announcement comes over the speakers, talking about how these two warriors represent the external and internal battle and so forth.
MEANWHILE, one man, dressed as the ones separated in the crowd, slinks around in the dark, hiding in the shadows from the lone guard. He finds his destination, and finds it guarded as well, ducking back into the shadows, panting with desperation and fear, determination and knowledge of impending failure fight in his eyes.
We pull around him to see what he was looking for, and see darkness inside a rectangular doorway on a raised dias, with a guard on either side with what look like flaming swords lightly glowing.
We swoosh back to the hiding man. He taps some buttons on his inner wrist bracelet and he shimmers into invisibility. But we can still see the heat-shimmer of him.
We become him as he turns the corner and runs for the dark doorway. He is only a few steps from it, when the guards notice something strange. The running man knows he doesn't have a chance, he knows they know this, and that is what he is counting on. It may be just the surprise he needs, the very shock at anybody trying something so impossible, so final and futile.
As he reaches the doorway he flickers into visibility, and the LASAR like swords flicker higher and start to spin around. All so slowly now. As he goes into the darkened doorway the flaming swords come around to stop in an X and the scene freezes on this.
A man, dressed as the majority of this planet, comes rushing towards the guarded doorway. We see him from just behind the two guards coming towards us. "Did he get through?"
"We do not think he went in his altogether."
The man looks slightly worried, but mostly relieved. We back off and around to look at the back of the doorway and see nothing on the other side but the darkened doorway. Then we go through it ourselves.

THROUGH THE DARKENED DOORWAY

We see three people, each facing inwards to the center, in a quite different room, sitting in a triangular place, talking.
First: "We should have heard something by now."
Second: "Everything is cool, no need to panic."
Third: "This is the worst thing to have ever happened to us, it's over now."
Two irises open, one on the ceiling, the other in the floor. Beams of light shoot out of them both to meet in the middle, flash outwards, then both irises close. We see a figure on the floor of the iris.
He only manages a single word, then dies. "Watch." Falls apart, literally, from the cutting swords perhaps, but we don't see that. Instead we watch a woman in closeup gently jogging over to the center place. She winces as she tries to keep her composure. She picks something up, seems to shake something out of it, and we see the bracelet the man pushed to become camouflaged. She swallows, and studies it a bit. Then she turns towards camera, and holds it up to us, and pushes a button.

HOME WORLD

The channel switches us outside, focusing on the diagonal profile of a large red sign with orange lettering. It is floating in the night sky, and we see a few others like it spaced evenly out ahead of this one, cars also floating by each one. We watch one car drive up to the one we are watching.

"Welcome to Vegalicious! The original fad-making good food that's good for you drive thru! Would you like to try our new series of 'A Wok In The Park' meal deals?"
"Yes, I'll take -- Harold, did you just throw something out the window again? How many times ..."
But the conversation fades away as we follow what was thrown out. A kind of flying toy. We follow it. It flies around, eventually flying down to the city below. It moves around and over the city scape until it hits the side of a black mirrored dome, and the camera shakes as if hit too.
We float down then turn upside down and move through a kind of doorway to enter this building. We fly through it slowly rotating to be right side up again just as we come to The Three again.

We see The Three in split screen close up, with images playing across their faces.
First: "Just as we suspected."
Second: "It was right to check, because until you explore you will never know. Now we can take this TimeLine off our list."
Third: "The rest are trapped in it, I hope they find a life there."
Second: "Not that it will be a long one."
First: "Calculating ... 555 left on the counter for their Time there."
Second: "Our man got out with not much time left, then."
Third: "If so many didn't succumb to The Becoming, we'd only need to send in one, or at least a smaller team."
Second: "We are lucky to exist where we can choose our worlds easier."
First: "Bring up the other candidates, for the one we are skimming with right now will end in 2012 left on our counter."

The images cut off on their faces. The split screen widens and the three are moved around to match their real-world configuration. We then swing around behind them. We watch their chairs move into the very center of the large dome. The center left to right forward and backward and up and down. Different scenes light up on each section of the dome. We swing around with them clockwise around the dome, viewing each image of a different TimeLine.

First: "Did the one we marked as our next candidate remain unchanged?"
Second: "No, it seems The Others got to it as well."
Third: "Why did they have to break the treaty?"
Second: "Too bad we can't move to a TimeLine where they won't."
First: "That is our ultimate goal, but our first concern is to keep switching to viable TimeLines before they corrupt them all."
Second: "I suggest .... this one as our next try."
Third: "I Third that." Third smiles.
First and Second just turn around and look at Third blankly, silently.
Third: "Oh come on, it's funny!"

***
some actual dream fragments:

Started in the middle of a rounded place like and auditorium, moved up to a group that was separated from the others.

I am a lone man like the separated group. I am running, I don't think I am going to make it, but I have to try. I jump at a spot in the night sky and freeze and melt into it, becoming a constellation.

Next thing I see is a side profile close-up of a floating thick sign. It is red and orange. It turns out to be an ordering station for a drive-thru joint! It made me laugh.

Now I am inside this ginormous rounded darkened room. There are at least three people in the center. They flipping through multiple scenes at the same time that float around them. As I look at them, I hear the phrase "world within worlds" ... It feels like they are looking at many different places at the same time. But, as the dream ends, I feel like, instead, it is different time lines they can search through.

there was more to it, and it was very long. It felt very real and it was visually stunning. I felt awe, but at the same time the kind of familiarity that you get when you come back home after a long absence. I was happy waking up from the dream, with it's images still playing in my head, I can't WAIT ot write this down! But, at the same time, I fell a great loss and confusion having woken up here instead of there. Maybe this is the dream and that is the reality was my last thought before I got myself out of bed.

Dreamzzz ~ Spy Stuff?

2008-06-26T06:48:00.004-05:00

Bond, James Bond?

I watch this like a movie I am sometimes in. I see a man that is like unto Timothy Dalton, who played James Bond a couple times. He is in the same cluttered room as this pretty young woman and they are trying to escape. But they are soon together in a second room they have to escape one, and a third! Either it was the third or fourth room where this happens ...
He is on the left side of the screen. There is a small raised part in the room (a step up) with a chair and a desk.
He is there, saying "Blast!"
She says "What?"
He replies, "blasted explosives didn't (frustrated pause) blast, didn't you notice?"
They bicker back and forth as the pulls the cord a bit out of the wall and pulls a section apart. She pulls off a small rounded cap-like piece with tiny prongs, pulls out a small piece inside it turns it around and puts it all back together
He breaks off the bickering when she says, "There! Now try!" He's realized she may have fixed it, and so goes over to try to set the explosive off again. He starts it, but it stops in the middle, approximately where she had tried to fix it.
"There, you see?"
"Just give it another moment!"
"Why, you obviously can't prove any more how bad you are at this!"
"Agh, men! Wanting nothing more than to rush to have everything end with a bang!"
He starts to answer this, but that is when the explosive line starts going again. He tries to give a warning to back away, but this person (I assume the woman, but suddenly it feels like it's me) can't move, their frozen. Well, it blows up around a small window and the whole window frame pops out and at this person, who "catches" it and falls backwards. There is a tense moment of waiting, but they are not hurt, and they both get out of the room. But it doesn't seem like they leave through that window.

***

Don't Mess With Me

This woman is not being nice to this group of teens. Two to three boys and at least one or two girls, I think. It seems like she is some kind of crazy criminal. She trusts one in the room alone once and he calls a friend who will call in the police. Meanwhile she is outside that phone room talking to the other kids. She doesn't feel like she's doing anything wrong in her mind. So, she's directing them to do stuff and explaining things.
But soon after they are rescued.

***

I Mean It, Don't Mes With Me

There may have been a connection with the last dream. One of the guys in the last dream, either a victim or one of the people who rescued them, may have been the star in this one. He found out this group was messing with him, so he's going to try to talk them out of it or fight them.
Meanwhile, we see this gang. The leader has some kind of power. He seemed to bring one of his men back to life, or something.
Back to this guy. He is trying to negotiate with them in this room. It doesn't seem to be going so well.
So now they are in a car, but it is also like a carriage with open sides. This guy ends up shooting one of the bad guys in the middle of his forehead, and helping him get thrown out of the carriage.
The other bad guy just looks at him, calmly but with a slight smile, and realizes that the guy is also ruthless and means business.
Then the dream jumps back and starts again right after he shoots the guy, and this time it's subtly different.
The guy just wants to be left alone. The last bad guy seems like he will acquiesce to this demand and keep his word, but I'm not sure I woke up trying to continue the dream.

Poemzzz ~ Beneath the Bedrock

2008-06-25T09:03:00.002-05:00

Beneath the Bedrock

I got up, but it got me down
Emotional water makes drought or drown
Hypocrisy, an acid reflect of yours
Going through hell have been your tours

Take me
Take me away
Don't you fake me
Oh who am I kidding of course you will
Receiver is an endorphic deceiver
It's in our nature to do and be done in
So why do I struggle against the tide?

Heal me so I can help myself
Don't just put me on a dusty shelf
For safe keeping and laughter ringing
Be an angel and not a siren singing

Leave me
Leave me alone
Don't you see me
Oh why must we be trapped within ourselves
Or thinking another's eyes have our drinking
Is it in the stars to live behind bars
Why do I seek but also try so hard to hide?

If we have contracts here, why can't we make them null?
We need to find a way to be both the rock and the roll
But living here just teaches us to go further into a lull
What ever happened to the divine promise of love for our soul?

I'll be OK, just need yet another day
To get over you not loving me like I wanted you to
To get over myself and all I think is true
Only fools fall for romantic love, wise men say

Music VIdeo ~ this is how I feel

2008-06-22T08:29:00.004-05:00

http://islandrecords.com/site/promo/quicktime/ashes_divide_the_stone/index.html

Tears came from me when I watched this video.
Going through a vortex, all tied up like a marionette, perhaps some of those knots tied by me? Stuck on a rail, forced to move through an illusion of other people and places. Are any of my movements voluntary (how about the one where I wipe the tears from my eyes, or the one I try to set the whole thing on fire)? Was that the end of the ride? Did I set myself free, or just enter a waiting room till I take another ride, or is this some fresh hell?
... things change outside of me, most times without my consent
Can I control the changes within me? Can I find hope where there is none? Truth inside an illusion? Reality within a Dream?
We pretend that everything is ok inside and outside of us, how ironic when we are living in a pretend world!

The Lyin', The Which, & The Wardrobe
by John True

Inside the wardrobe we are the puppets in trance
We lock the door and toss away our only chance
Smile as we offer up our milk for them to churn
The heart's kingdom patiently awaiting our return

To live out others philosophies, what are they really but just more hypocrisies
See the good boys & girls who do as they say, in the magical hope that it will be OK
Do all we can to ease their pain, forgetting that yesterday can always come again
We cannot bloom without real food, instead accept their alternatives and call them good

Inside the closet we are the skeletons that dance
We lock the door and eat the key our only escape chance
Then we gladly offer up our forest for them to burn
Forgetting the water inside longing us to learn

Flesh meets flesh because both are cute, it is just dust a matter interaction suit
"Many are the substitutes but they're powerless on their own", the pearl is light dark is the stone
Moved from rail to rail now what have we learned, throw your books in the fire so they may be burned
Don't be you be the me I see inside you, please imitate me better and sing a new tune

You refuse to heed or hear my words, force me to stay or go
"Shut up!" wish to shut me up in a jail of your own making
You are a deceiver and I will no longer reap what you sow
Expecting me to pay for your crimes, god I pray for The Waking!

Please, I'm pleading you, let this one thing be true
If not I deny you as just another lie, see that I do
That there is another out there to help balance the head
So that we can breathe and vibrate correctly instead

Don't be the me I see inside you, be the best you can be and sing a beautiful tune

***

also see this video (be sure to listen to the lyrics to both):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aw1uGV3J0Nc&NR=1

Dreamzzz - TimeLine Volcano Survivor

2008-06-22T08:08:00.002-05:00

P.S. the other day, I went ot see "Get Smart", I was led to see this movie around 6 on Monday. Well, I thought it startesd at 6, but I was looking at the wrong theatre, which I never do anymore!
turns out it really started 5 minutes before at 555
like when I woke from my dream!
ther are some interesting things to see in the movie
(LA disaster? be nice and understand your enemy works on some, etc.)
beside it was a great action comedy!

This dream has a "The Lord of the Rings" flavor to it. I don't know why, I haven't seen the movie recently enough for it to be that kind of influence.

I am in a wooded camp with others. I later sense some of them could be Frodo, Sam, Gandalf and Gollum. All but Gollum discuss what is coming. Gollum goes on about how he would rather have "raw and riddling" We are busy building something we feel compelled to build, but everybody else is ignoring or bullying our "folly". We finish it just in the nick of time! Or ... was it built for us and give to us at the 11th hour?
Here it comes, relentless, the reason for us doing this. It takes out everything in it's path. It seems like a wide fast thing, like a wave of water or a river of lava. Sometimes we ride on top of it, but more often we ride miles in front of it. We are in a ship I think. It seems to be made of a special kind of wood. For some reason, it and it alone can keep us afloat and untouched in front of and in this flood of fire. We rush forward in our Elven (or was it Fairy?) wooden ship as if on a cushion of air past people, down slopes and over country side, nothing can stop us.
I look at their surprise with sadness, knowing that they will all be dead soon.

Things repeat, stutter, as the dream moves along. It stutters a couple times on Gollum's "raw and riddling", it repeats even more (sometimes looking slightly different) in the middle of our air-ride down the sloped country side. This is not a usual thing in my dreams, so it stood out. When I write Elven, my spellchecker wants it to be Eleven, interesting. I can't readily recall any other details. Except that it happened in the early morning or evening on a green mountain slope, it seemed. It felt more like lava than water. Gollum's words happened like twice, while the ride repeated 4 or 5 times perhaps? When the ship was wooden, it seemed like darkened honey in color.

***

I didn't have a lot of fear or anxiety but what was normal in or about this dream. My emotions were normal, not hyper or odd.

I woke up and went to the bathroom for a quick relief, when I got back in my room the clock said 5:55 AM
I wanted to get back out of bed to check this computer to be sure today is Sunday. Because I wasn't sure. It felt like it could just as easily be Monday or Friday again, and I feared I might not be woken up by the alarm in a few minutes and I'd be late for work.
But I couldn't help but to close my eyes. I somehow managed to open them again later. Now, it felt like maybe 5 or 10 minutes had passed, but the clock now read 6:21 and i watched it change a few seconds later to 6:22, before I gave up trying to get up and allowed sleep to retake me.
I feel that may be significant for two reasons. First off, is the confusion of day and time, which are symptoms of a TimeShift. Secondly, I find it interesting that this happened in the time between 6/21 and 6/22, for today is June (6th month) 22nd. Thirdly, 555. Wonder what that means?
I re~member this dream in part because it seems to strike a cord of other memories in me ... of finding ways to barely escape disasters or not and being moved to another TimeLine. But nothing solid, just a feeling.

Dreamzzz ~ Hit & Run? Nope

2008-06-18T09:41:00.002-05:00

I am in a car following someone like my brother in his car, we are on a highway. Lots of wide lanes, seems more real than usual. I am being careful and watching how I drive, but also just driving and enjoying that. Suddenly, my brother contacts me via a communication device (cell phone or a kind of CB radio, some device you hold in your hand, but you can use it to communicate with other cars, specifically. You can point it at any car you like, and you can talk to them. This is helpful if they have left their gas tank hatch open or left their blinker on, or if you are lost or need help or whatever.)
He tells me that he thinks this woman is following me. So, we pull over and she comes up to me. I don't see any vehicle for her, so I wonder how could she have stayed up with us, why is she on the road?
She is slightly dark olive skinned, so she looks Indian/Pakistani/Middle Eastern. She seems "off", but I listen to her. She says I hit her. She looks deep into my eyes, but hers seems too wide and glassy. She says odd things like "I am not Pakistani" ... I never said she was and it matters not to me. Then she tells me she has no Burma in her. Why is she telling me all of this? Then I see a Bandaid high on her cheek, my left her right. My attention is drawn to the white of it. Part of me wonders if this is to show me that this bandaid is either old or has no blood on it so it is old.
So, I ask her where she is hurt. She says here and points to her bandaid. I tell her it's not bleeding. She just stares at me and says "oh".
I know she has to be tricking me, and she is also not "all there" and I am getting "warning bells", so I wish her the best, but she knows I didn't really hit her. I get back in my car even as she stumbles out a version of "yes" and I drive off, exasperated by the interruption and false accusation!

She seemed so real, I think I could pick ehr out of a line up. There I was, face to face, staring into her deep brown eyes. She kind of reminded me of a doctor at John Knox but not enough for that doctor to be the source of this "dream character" in any way that I can imagine.

I don't know what it means, maybe I'll think of something later and edit this?

Dreamzzz ~ PARTY!!!

2008-06-17T06:00:00.002-05:00

ONE

I am being slightly pushed by my parents and slightly bullied by my friends, but neither is too bad. I can handle it.
It's OK being .. just being me. A little scary and unnoticed but not bad.
I have several tasks at hand:
please my parents
please my friends
please myself
make the girls smile and laugh so one will want to go to the dance with me
do well in school.

I am successful at almost all of them
except the dance part falls apart
I think the clothes I am to wear will be too expensive for me now
I am not sure who I want to ask out, and the girl that wanted me to ask her out is sad because I didn't, but I'm sad because I haven't found THE girl I want to ask out.
The girl that wanted me to ask her out is Ri'anna. In my dream, she is even MORE beautiful than real life and can walk around just fine. But I knew in the dream that another guy liked her even more than I did and "needed" her more than I did, so I was goign to try to get them to go together. I thought it best for the two of them, even if that meant making her sad because I wasn't taking her out or if it didn't work and we both ended up dateless.
The girl I wanted to ask out was Jozie. But there was this weird one way glass on her house where I could see in but she could not see out. When I got close to her, it was like The Invisible. But, sometimes she seemed to hear me!
The end of this dream was trying to make sure Ri'anna was OK with me not asking her out. Also I was worrying that the dance clothes were too expensive, and I didn't feel like going anymore anyway. So, it ended on a downer.

But my friends aren't being mean any more.
and I am being welcomed into the new harder school.
But i heard someone saying that I was so very good that I probably wouldn't notice it was hard except maybe a few times, and I wished they would be right. Part of me wanted to find it hard so as to get more attention from some people!

***

TWO

There is a huge event planed. But there is also to be a huge TV event planned at the same time. Are the two related?
Both are quite odd.
The event is for this one guy. He had to do a kind of quilting, LOTS of quilting. Like running swirly patterns of thread on an image. And then he had to hand them out to all the attendees.
When the event happened, he was over burdened with all the quilts, and kept noticing what he might have done wrong. Mine looked just fine to me.
It seemed to be inside a series of big open tent like structures. One had tables around the square, with a square set of tables in the middle with the Centerpiece.
I was getting tired of the party.

At the same time, the TV event had started. It was like ... a celebration of everything male. And I do mean everything. The scene started out with things that looked like dildos, lol. Some were actually pieces of meat like chicken. People were grilling them on sticks, This little montage was actually far more funny than pornographic!
It was interesting because they also included bi and homosexual men in different ways of look and behaviour as part of this event! I just loved the inclusion, myself, and it was great fun seeing some of them.
Then it moved to guys talking, like sports announcers. I kind of lost interest then. That's when I moved my attention back to the party. It's when I got my quilt.

***

THREE

I know this big event is coming.
I am like a little kid.
Finally, it's here!
It's like a circus!
There is this hearty fun male voice announcing it is starting now, come one and all!
You go through the entrance, and there is all these coloured moving lights and fun music!
Lining on mostly the right side were show girls! They looked beautiful! They were all so beautiful, beautiful in every way.
With them were trained large poodles! I think they were poodles, they were large white curly hair that was shaped in certain ways. They were very intelligent and more aware than most dogs and could speak better than most dogs. But they were still animals. They were very well-behaved and bowed to each guest or did other things to welcome them like offer a paw to shake or to point the way forward in a sweeping motion, or they danced on their hind legs, and some tried ot speak a short phrase!
I am so impressed!
Then I sit down in this huge comfy chair that has a big hollow bowl in it where more than one person can fit into it. I am with like 2 or 3 other people, mixed in gender. We cuddled together kind of in this HUGE chair and it was just so comfy and fun. I am nto sure who these other people were to me, at one point they felt like siblings, at another like close friends.
The dream ended right after we got into that chair and played with each other a bit as we talked and moved around in the chair, and the show was about to start and we were so very very excited!

Dreamzzz ~ I Dream of Jozie

2008-06-13T06:12:00.003-05:00

On the way home from work last night, I saw a license plate with 169 JMJ on it.

Jozie is standing right next to me
and she's talking to me!
face to face!
*squee*
I cannot properly recall what she says, but I am entranced by her words, following her every word.
She demonstrates her lipstick stuff that STINGS and puffs up her lips.
It makes me laugh, because an inside joke between us is that she already has "duck lips" and I tell her now she has Super Duck Lips.
She is smiling and laughing at my jokes, I am smiling and laughing at hers.
Then I told her I just HAD to kiss her, and she said very enthusiastically and also a kind of out of breath "OK".
So, we kissed, and it felt so great!
I had one hand in her hair and the other hand on her lower back right where it curves in. I was nervous at first, but once I realized that she did want me to kiss her and she was enjoying it, I just got lost in it.
I moved to play with her earlobe and then blow in her ear, and she really loved that!
It's like we both knew what to do for each other, and it felt so nice.
Loving, free, exciting, natural, glorious.
We went past kissing and it all felt more real than a usual dream and so much fun! So much so, that I woke up with the other pillow in my arms and at first thought it WAS Jozie! I had this big smile on my face when I thought I was waking up with her in my arms.

But, alas no ... I woke up completely alone again. =(

But I still have the good feelings from that dream! I had them all day long.

***

other:
I thought i heard my phone ring very late last night ... I was SO hoping it was Jozie and she had left me a message. But if my phone DID ring last night, nobody left a message =(

I dreamed of a similar table and clock radio as I have in real life, and I was surprised because I saw it read 5 something, then like an hour later it read 4.
Why was it counting down? 5 ... 4 ... then 3, 2, 1 contact? =p

Before going to sleep, I prayed for Jozie, sending her energy to use as she needs to get through whatever she is going through. I had the idea I was blowing on the embers of her.

This dream had me daydream about Jozie all day long. *happy sigh*

Dreamzzz ~ lecture-empathy = Memory -vs- Information-choosing

2008-06-12T07:04:00.006-05:00

It's very hard to describe this dream. It was more like a lecture via experiencing something somebody else does and being lectured about it as well.

I kept receiving all these different waves of energy. These waves of energy were spiritual sight based, kinda. I mean I could see ghosts and my own fears of myself and others as if they were outside visions separate from me, auras, possible future events, visual branching from a single idea (like if you see the word "apple" you can associate that word with a bunch of different things and choose to also follow any of those things down paths), and so much more.

It got to be confusing, not only trying to differentiate and absorb all the different energy waves, but also to concentrate on the waking world where I have to act and react to things in a certain way. Not just so I can eat and not wreck my car or have some guy jump me from behind or whatever, but also carefully pick and choose who I'd share this extra information with. And I felt I had to share it with someone or simply get lost in insanity.

One way of coping was trying to wish the energy waves away, which didn't work for long. Praying for them to go away, nope. What about not caring about anything anymore and being and following lines of bad behavior hoping God would punish me by taking my "powers" away, well also I'd try being "good", and then "bad" trying opposites looking for SOMETHING that would help! Punishing myself didn't work either, but pain seemed to keep the energy waves at bay for a bit. But it seemed like a silly choice to choose pain over this.

Another way was like ... what if you could watch more than one TV channel at a time, but you wanted to concentrate on one more than the other. If you did so, you'd probably not remember parts of the other channel, if any of it at all, when you chose to focus on one instead of the others.
This would affect your memory (even short-term memory) and also how you reacted to other things that came to your attention, like somebody walking into the room. You could have focused on one show and told them to come back to get you for lunch in 10 minutes, but by the time they arrived you'd be watching the other show and forgotten who they are and what they want!

It was so confusing, being bombarded with all that information. If I couldn't make it go away, and if it didn't seem like suicide was going to stick, and my bad behavior or forgetting didn't help ... WHAT THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

Religion didn't help, family didn't help, having a family of my own didn't help either, partying didn't help, and so I kept struggling with it.

I felt like I was in somebody else's head.

My sleep during this was very struggling, I kept trying to wake up, but I couldn't stay up.

This was indeed a VERY different dream from the norm!!!

Analysis: I'm just wondering ... is this partially to what my =) friend =) is going through? I love her and miss her so and I care about her and I've just wanted her to contact me SOON, I CAN'T wait another 3-4 months (not even another week or 3 days or 2!). I just want to know what happened.
So, I'm wondering if this was an actual empath connection to her, or an empathic experiment as to how I think it might work?

I really need to work on my patience!

Dreamzzz ~ Another man-eating plant night terror

2008-06-11T06:48:00.003-05:00

I hate disgusting frightening dreams. Cruel hopeless gross relentless dreams. I expect to have a nightmare every once in a while, scary dreams are just as valid to have as any other dream that has to do with emotions. But, this kind, I just detest!

I woke up from it as best I could, the images still behind my eyelids, the story still running in my brain, my heart still racing, my stomach still churning, a scream like a rotten egg ready to burst in the pit of my stomach.

I woke up and immediately looked for comfort from it, the opposite of the dream. I automatically hugged my other pillow and at first I thought it was a woman I loved. Then I realized my second horror ... I'm utterly alone.

This is not my first carnivorous plant dream, it is at least my third. Why?

You don't want to know the disgusting shuddering details. There was a group of men fighting something. Turns out they were fighting something in a shed. In the shed was at least one if not a few more plant like things. It didn't seem to be affected by the fighting much. It would grab a man (and in my dream all I saw were males) and pull it into itself. The men would be paralyzed and helpless to their fate. It would pull them close to it. It would threaten to slowly digest them over many painful hours or it would pull them apart slowly or faster in weird ways. Some men could still speak when being pulled apart, and that was the most disgusting and scary.
It was the last image I saw, and what stayed with me even when I woke up.

***

I finally managed to go back to sleep, and thankfully had no more nightmares. I did have some more powerful dreams, so powerful I felt I went to a completely different world and so felt disorientated and confused when I woke up here. But I cannot remember the details.

Besides, it's kind of pointless remembering sleeping dreams when your waking dreams die as soon as you have them. They disappear as soon as I work on making them real, as soon as I take the risk, and taking risks isn't easy for me because of my long history of them not paying off most of the time. Especially when it comes to love.

"I said TOMORROW" Synchronicity with a Friend

2008-06-03T06:59:00.005-05:00

I was talking to a friend last night, and I felt like singing her a song. I chose the song "Tomorrow". Just as I said that, she had a "psychic" moment. A strange feeling for her for which I cannot give the details of even if I wanted to because
1) confidentiality & 2) it's hard to put into words.
I think I know why now, and maybe she was "rescued" from a possibly lethal accident!

Because today is tomorrow, and I woke up at 6 am. 24 hours earlier at 6:06 PM a car ran into a semi truck running from police at 9th and Washington.

My friend is from Washington state and was talking about it
She saw a police car once and lowered her cell phone so he couldn't see that she was talking into a cell
A Semi truck turned over too son before completely checking his blind spot and almost ran into her
This happened the next day - today - "tomorrow"

I think she was rescued from a possible lethal or debilitating accident. For one thing, she saw a car without a driver which feels like a strong sign to me, so maybe she searched the Time Lines and found the best one she could, so as to avoid the accident. Since we were talking at the time, it may be possible that we worked together to do that, but she is quite capable of doing it on her own.

... or maybe I'm just reading too much into this, making connections between things that have no connection?

I KNOW people can do this, and I KNOW she can. I'm just glad she's alright.

Her city has crazy drivers! It sounds very dangerous, and I don't want her to be hurt.

ADDED MATERIAL:

I think it was also for me today! Because on the way to work, I saw a semi truck coming around an entrance ramp and just felt like I was supposed to let off the gas and let him in, and that was a good idea because he turned on in front of me!
Later, I couldn't turn over to the middle lane and had to pass by a cop that had pulled someone over. He was getting back into his car. I'm so glad I was paying attention and didn't hit him!
So, it applies to THREE things!
Jozie yesterday
news this morning
and me this morning
XD

Dreamzzz ~ Healing With Her

2008-05-30T06:53:00.003-05:00

I can't really remember my dreams last night. But I do get a sense of them.

I feel like I am with a female presence, and we are offering each other love healing and light. Communing with each other. And we go on these wonderful adventures together! Sometimes they are scawi *cowers* either for her, me, or both of us, but we always find a way through when we work together.

She kind of feels like a Lord of the Rings Elf sometimes. She is tall, fair skinned, with curly hair, glorious eyes, she glows and had this presence like the queen in the tree-house place. Knowing, powerful, shining, observing, forgiving, loving, and sexy. Her eyes are kind and giving, but behind them a storm waits to brew if need be.

I am addicted to her voice and she is addicted to mine. Like in a fairy tale when mortal and supernatural meet, but we both help each other realize we may be mortal but we are also both supernatural.

Dreamzzz ~ Arguing with Dad again (Family not Listening)

2008-05-29T06:52:00.001-05:00

Another dream where I'm stuck at the family house, living there, and things slowly get worse and worse and worse and HAVE to find a way out because my dad won't listen to me, and not a single other family member defends me either!
Uck, it got awful! It got intense. The more I defended myself, the more my dad saw me as helpless and proving him right, so I'd back off, and he'd think he was right, so I came back STRONGER to defend myself and yell at him.
god, enough is enough!
I did find it empowering instead of draining, which is different!

still, wonder what it means?

You know, should i be finding a way not to have these? Is it a sign of growth or strength? It feels so.
BUt, I hope so more.

oh well, I'm OK

Dreamzzz ~ Locker

2008-05-24T08:29:00.000-05:00

I'm in a school-esque environment again. I'm between classes. A class is going to start soon, I have to go to my locker to get the book and notebook for it. I am standing staring at this large set of very small square locker doors. They are about the quarter size of a book. None of them seem to have locks on them. None of them are numbered, so I spend some time trying to find which one is mine. After a lot of searching and almost panicking, I find it. There are a lot of very small spiral notebooks in here, some folded open to a page. I remember now that a bunch of these were put into my locker. I think I put them there, like I was moving or ... something, so brought them with me here. I handled them with some reverence and interest. Then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for that one specific school notebook.

But then the scene changes without me being aware of it. A few people are around me and are distracting. Not harming, just a tad annoying. I don't know if the annoyance is because of me or what they are doing, a bit of both I'd imagine. I feel I am still getting things from a locker like place, but it's sort of different from the last locker space. I have some bigger items out, and I am in a central open space that soon turns into more of an outdoor place. For example, at one point I take out this bottle that is half as tall and as big around as I am. It's plastic and round and has a tall neck. It has smaller items inside it, like candy. I offer it to someone else, saying it's not that far away from teh expiration date, the stuff inside is probably still good, and offered it to them, but they didn't especially want it either.

The scene changes again without me really noticing it. Now we are definitely outdoors, by a creek. It's nice and green. There is a kind of pathway to a created place right at the creek, a carved stone monument like place. Is it a tombstone or a monument or what?
I come at it again from a different angle. I think the image of a black bear also comes into my mind.

Then I wake up.

***

Analysis:

According to dreammoods:

Notebook

To see a notebook in your dream, denotes that you are trying to stay on top of things and keep detailed records.

- That sounds like me. Like I'm an observer in between worlds, here to keep detailed records of my observations. I am also trying to stay on top of things. And sometimes this world feels like a school, with friends authority figures tests pressure learning deception and fun.

So, the locker must represent part of myself I've kept hidden. Or is a storage place for aspects of myself: memories, feelings, ideas, opinions, gifts, etc. Some of the stuff in there was a pleasant surprise.

"To see a creek in your dream, represents your own personal energy flow and steady emotional release." good deal good deal!

"To see a monument in your dream, signifies your legacy and how you want to be remembered. It also symbolizes your self-worth and the qualities you value in yourself." sweet!

and I know that Native Americans feel that the bear represents strength and healing. It may be a pun on "bare" as in I may feel bare or I feel this need to bare my soul.

Dreamzzz ~ Visiting Her Home

2008-05-15T06:44:00.004-05:00

I am out-of-state, in this young woman's house. Her family and friends are there as well. I know her from before this a little, but this is the first time we've met face-to-face.
She seems to be very white, with equally black hair, voluptuous, and pretty. She is very fun to be around, very easy to be around.
She takes me around outside and inside the house. She seems smart and playful. I sometimes run into other people that are either her family or her neighbors/friends. Most of them are male, actually.
She has to leave me a couple times. The second time she asks me to wait in the living room for her. This room is upstairs, and is a series of rooms, one which is big and right off the hall. There are 1 or 2 guys here. There is a TV and a computer or console game here.
Next I go downstairs to the basement like place. There is a lot of people, mostly her family, sitting around the table, and I am talking to her mom. Her mom is a lot like her.
Now the mother is smiling and asking how things are going with her daughter and I. She has that kind of knowing happy smile on her face, which means she thinks we could hit it off and date etc. And that she already approves of it.
I blush-smile as I start to tell her about what I think of her wonderful daughter. But then worry comes in. Er, do they know how old I am? I should tell them, just so they know, and gauge their reaction. The daughter seems to be like 19 or not much older, and I feel I am close to my age now (I think, it's fuzzy, just that I was more than a 10 years older than her, sometimes she felt like she was 29). Then I was fighting internally about "shh, don't mess this up."
But as me and her mother were talking about her, she came down to the table! The mother smiled knowingly as I got all quiet and kind of blushed as she came right up to me and started talking to me and her mom.

There seemed to be a scene split here, but it also seemed tied to the last one. I walk into this restaurant-like place. It is like in a small town or a nice small part of a bigger town. On the door was a poster advertising that in a few days the local boy scout troop was having a special event here to raise money and commune with their town. This sounded kinda fun and I wondered if I'd go, but more likely not.
I walk in more, and a few adults were there, talking. Somehow wrestling came up, not professional wrestling but more the sport that you can do in high school and stuff. I saw one of the women wearing a jacket that looked a lot like my wrestling jacket, and I wanted to go get mine on to show them! But it seemed far away. Still, I thought about showing it off, and my medals, to them.
Next thing I know, I'm outside, and it's semi-dark. I'd say dusk. And there is a woman. I can't be sure she is the same woman as the first place, but she is kind of connected to her in my view anyway. She is older now, definitely more like 29 this time. But, she is not with me. I feel as if I made a mistake choosing my worry over her. I didn't try hard enough for her I felt, and I felt badly. She felt like she still had a part of her that yearned for me a little, that felt regret for not pursuing me more, for thinking I was too old and stuff. This felt odd.
I had to go somewhere else and she was just stopping by to pick something up. But, I stood there, after we parted, and a part of me just wanted to turn right around and hug her/hold her in my arms again. Forget all this other crap in our heads and instead have us live in our hearts and see through our soul's eyes, not the eyes the world gave us.

Actually I'm not as sure about that last part, but it was something like that I think.
AND as I thought about it, it seemed like the same female, but her hair was different this time. More of brown ringlets ... I think. I remember most the feeling of RETURN, as if I hadn't seen her for months, like she disappeared and had now come back. Really, I was very excited to see her again, I missed her. And I just wanted to offer her HOPE and Christ-like LOVE, and I didn't want to relive the past of us, whatever that meant :p

thanks for standing by ...

2008-05-14T21:41:00.002-05:00

Just me, thinking things through.
letting the poison out.
venting
rearranging the furniture :p

The only way to lessen the darkness
isn't by adding more darkness or letting it be
but by turning up the light! :)
the light is inside us all
in our hearts/souls.

available to every single one of us :)

P.S. After the Fact

2008-05-14T17:58:00.003-05:00

Funny thing is, I often found out that more people saw me as I really was way after the fact!
Even with all of the bullying in high school (and everyone agreed we had the MEANEST class! I'm not exaggerating, they even brought in a psych to come in and talk to us in groups in study hall! They soon drove him away, THAT is how bad it was!) I still had some positive comments.
Years later, I heard from a this cute girl's mother that she mentioned me specifically. She thought I was such a great boy. She thought I was the bravest person she had met then, because I stayed there. It was so bad that she left! She went across country even! That was nice to hear. Amanda Patterson, was that her name? What a nice thing to say ^_^
I also think women were, like, secretly interested in me. Why none of them came out and just dated me for gosh sakes I have no idea! I guess fear can be stronger sometimes.

Can't live in the past
that was then, this is now
gonna shine now, for all it's worth!

Self-Reflection: Shine on Through

2008-05-13T22:23:00.005-05:00

Something different is happening as of late. Or perhaps it always was and I've just been blind to it. Perhaps both? It's some kind of change, in me, at any rate. A very positive one.
Wherein I believe I am getting even closer to being my true self!
I think I have healed more. I still have more healing to go!

my heart's version of me is coming through much clearer to people now.
The one that can light up a room, who can make the other person smile just with the power of my dimpled smile and sunshine-filled "hi!"

I feel that they trust me, know me, accept me as is even?

I've gotten along very well with my co-workers here. This is so what I need right now. Helps prove that there is nothing wrong with me like those bullies tried to say, like my own family tried to make me think that they were right about me.
What do you do when you're bullied and you can't even tell your father and mother about it?
When they react with worry, and not really wanting to talk about it, but no ... worse than that. How about that when you tell them or they see the effects they chose CHOSE to see them as right. That I am being victimized because something is wrong with ME instead of THEM.
When your dad chooses to hold you back in first grade because you are being picked on and so he figures it is because you are smaller than everybody and could use a year to "catch up".
victimizing the victim is what that is called.
It made them right about me in my parent's eyes, and a child's whole world lives in the eyes of their mom and dad. If my family sides with them, the bullies must be right.
They must be right so I must think of myself like that for all the years to come. No matter how I try to get a fresh start, the underlying base for me is that I am meant to be bullied and not seen as anything special because my parents don't see me as anything special or worth bolstering against these barbs that really shouldn't even touch my skin let alone penetrate it.

*sigh*

BACK TO THE PRESENT
When I went to orientation, there was this one GORGEOUS woman! But, more than that, beauty seemed to lie behind her eyes. That is what I was really interested in. The second day, she chose to sit next to me (and there was nobody else at the table), asked me to sit with her just at a table for two with her. And we were just talking! It was so nice.
Because deep down inside I was wondering why such a gorgeous woman would want to talk to me. And, let me tell you, balding didn't help matters any. That just felt like GOD picking on me.
She is always so warm when she sees me. Why does part of me want to tell her she shouldn't waste her positive energy on me?
Oh, I forgot to say that she has at least one kid and wants another soon, so I know she is already with somebody. So, I'm not hitting on her nor do I think I have a chance like that. It would have to be friendship. Which I can do!
Today, I learned that she didn't have such a great Mother's Day. She decided to take her mom out, and in her words "my mom is a bitch".
God, this woman, Laura, has had such a rough time of things! A mother who is a bitch, and she has scars from some violent past, and who knows what trouble she got herself into!
And yet, here she is now, and how she is now.
I am so curious to hear her story, to know what she's been through, and how she has done much more than merely survive it, but overcome it.
That is so impressive, so ... strength of soul ... that it absolutely captivates me!
Gah, I wish I could tell her how much I really want to be friends with her.
I asked her if I could get her anything for Mother's Day (belated) like flowers, a gift card, or take her out to dinner. She said something like "aww, John." and then something else, I forget. But, she took my hand and held it with such acceptance of my kind gesture acknowledging it that it felt really good.
(but a part of me, you see, questioned why she wanted to touch me, you see. Couldn't just let it be a MOMENT had to whisper and scheme about such a simple gesture as touch, man! I hope this is all me pushing the poison OUT, I have so much to get OUT OF ME)
She is so emotionally fascinating to me! How can be this full of love and light with the crap she went through?

I suppose, to be honest, that she reminds me of another friend I've not talked to in months :( don't want to name her, but .... yeah. I feel about her like this.

***

There is this other woman that caught my fancy at work. She is tall and blonde ... sigh. She must be like 5'10", I'll have to find out! She works in a completely different part of the place just like Laura does, but I can run into her as a natural course of doing my job with her too! She seems to have an interesting soul as well ... but I don't know if that's just my straight-male-worldly version saying that yet, hahaha
Last week, I convinced her to eat lunch with me at work.
I was a tad nervous, but overall good.
She has a boyfriend. Which is fine by me, I'm not romantically interested in HER, she just reminds me of the same internet friend I mentioned above about Laura.
Anyways, it is very nice to talk to her =)

I need to be healed MORE though. My self-confidence, my self-image, is still damaged. I need that to be healed more so that positive events like this stick more than past failures. They are starting to more and more!

That little voice in your head that tears you down ... it isn't coming up like it used to. I am less anxious! I can take more risks.

My online friends have helped me with that ... I am so blessed to be attracting such amazing fun sweet beautiful souls! I love them so much!

Thank you, God!

Praise BE to THE ALL

Dreamzzz ~ Revealing Photos, Family Rooms

2008-05-13T06:37:00.002-05:00

Revealing Photos:

Mostly I see through this character's eyes, but sometimes not so much.
He is middle-aged, white, almost like a cowboy, almost like the actor in the graveyard in Ghost Rider.
He travels around the country.
He is a photographer ... and more.
He has discovered he has a talent for taking photos of strange places or with ethereal energies like ghosts and stuff and then things show up in his photos where the things in his photos slightly morph to be seen as objects.
One day, he is in the South West USA. Could be Texas, or New Mexico, or some place like that because I can see the scrub brush.
He is looking over or showing this one set of photos. They focus on this nice little bathroom, focusing on the sink. At first in the photos all you see is a sink. But then you start to see things, and you go back to the photo before but you don't see anything.
Because before there was nothing there, then a presence, like a ghost or spirit, showed up.
Now in the curve of the soap dish where it meets the curve of the basin you start to see shapes like human skulls.
You see an odd face where once there was just the piping under the sink.
At first, this was VERY SPOOKY!

***

Family Rooms

I am in my parent's bedroom. I find a hidden stash of books and journals and stuff, including a "letter" I had written to my dad. The letter was written at my height of being upset and pissed off and stuff. Before I saw that, I had found things where my dad had written down in a journal some of his personal thoughts and feelings. So, I feel more justified in realizing I was finally being shown the truth of him and I am in the right. So, when I see that letter I wrote to him, I was supposed to feel badly about it. I started to. But I feel that he is just outside the door so it feels like a manipulation from him. So, instead I tempered my feelings and balanced them.
That is when he decides to finally reveal his actual prescence just outside the door.
He wanted to know if I had read the card yet.
Immediately I got a flash of real life - my still unopened blue letter from them for my birthday.
I gave a noncommittal kind of grunt.
He then goes on in a way to try to make me feel guilty and that he is the real injured party here etc. etc.
I'm not going to fall for his manipulation any more.
But, I did want to hear him describe his books.
Maybe, just maybe I felt there was a chance he was going to redeem himself.
So, I waited for him to come in the room and by the drawers where I found all this stuff. I just stood there, giving him a fair chance to talk.
And he did start to talk. I felt good that he was going to be more honest with himself and me, and be more of a father to me.
But, just as he was starting to, I wake from the dream.
... of COURSE, even my dreams cannot boast such a lie to me???

---

Later we seem to be in a basement. We are in separate rooms. I don't trust this rattling on the furnace/ac unit. I go out to tell him. At first he makes me feel as if whatever happened is my fault, mostly because I am some kind of idiot/retard. I resent that. But also, he comes in just to humour me, and even in hearing this awful rattling, makes as if it is not that big a deal.

---

Now I am looking at a kind of library. It is a private library, but the items are on these 5 foot something rollable set of shelves. There are 3-4 shelves on these metal things, and they are two-sided.
I see a bunch of my stuff! But it's not books but mainly computer game boxes.
I said "these are mine."
He answered "Oh, I didn't think you'd want those putting them here temporarily until I had a chance to toss them."
"But I do want them."
and he says "OK" in a way that is dismissive and that if i do take them I'm just proving his negative image of me.
I'm tired of playing his games.
I look over the items and see a lot of computer game boxes. I really like the artwork.
I move on down the rows, and at the end, perpendicular to the rows of shelving, is another kind of shelving but this time attached to the back wall.
Here I find more of my personal stuff. One pile is from a trip I had made. I didn't understand how he had this stuff!
I looked it over. There were things in the pile like travel guides, brochures from places I visited, and stuff. One odd thing caught my attention. A large pile of what looked like ticket stubs! I didn't understand why there were so many, and that is when I heard another voice (young male) that was like a narrator/friend telling me about them, but I didn't see anybody. As he told me about them, things felt different and the place felt different, as if part of me was still there, but also somewhere else at the same time.

Dreamzzz ~ Danger Tower

2008-05-12T10:35:00.003-05:00

I feel more like an intimate observer than an active player in this dream. I am in a tower of a modern skyscraper. I do not know if I am at the very top, but I am certainly very high up in this thing. It felt like the very top, but I cannot be 100% sure, but I'll just say it is the very top.
Is this whole floor one person's apartment?
Because I start out in this woman's apartment.
It is very spacious and clean.
She is always calm, cool, collected. She is very balanced in her emotions and in everything.
I really remember one part of her place: a counter like item and right in front of it clear glass square tiles that formed an L.

The tower shakes! It freaks out this one man in her apartment! But she remains balanced, unshaken herself. He is having trouble understanding how she can be so calm, since it is her apartment that shook.

Later, I watch this man get into an elevator that is filling with water. Since the elevator is filling up, that must mean the stairwells are too. So, he decides to go ahead and stay in the elevator. He is going up to HER apartment. I watch the elevator doors close as the elevator fills with more water. I see him steel himself for this, because it is what he is to do. I feel for him, I do not want him to drown! A flicker of concern for myself flashes quickly in and out of my heart as I wonder how I will race the rising waters to get to her apartment too.
But, no worries, for I simply wait for the scene to change and it does and I am back in the woman's apartment.
There is that guy again who felt the tower shake. He's on the ground, nearly frozen in fear and concern, right by the clear glass blocks set in the floor. He is talking to the guy from the wet elevator, telling him he should not have come, this place is very fragile.
I switch to seeing things from his emotional viewpoint. Feels like I am on a very fragile place. I feel creaks and hidden cracks and I am weary of a line just beyond the clear glass blocks. This guy tells me that's nothing, I should try the elevator, and laughs. I laugh just a little, but it is a nervous laugh. I'm still terrified, as if I am going to fall and it is going to hurt.
Still, she is balanced.
So, I move closer to her and further away from that guy.
I never got a clear look of her. I am not sure she was corporeal or was meant to be a recognizable person. But, I had the sense that she had long curly light brown hair, was white, thin, elf or angel like. I wonder if she is the one keeping this from becoming a nightmare.

%%%

Analysis:

My friend Heather analyzed this dream for me, thanks Heather!

The female is my Higher Self, and the scared guy is my logical hurt-by-past side. The guy on the elevator ... well, he wasn't afraid either, the point of him is that he rose to the top form the bottom, even when surrounded by emotions (represented by water), and even tried to help my hurt side with a joke (you should try the elevator .. hahahaha)
The "female" was all calm because she was perfectly balanced in love
the L shape of glass blocks on the floor probably stood for love.

Dreamzzz ~ Switching Cars

2008-05-08T06:51:00.003-05:00

There is a whole scene that comes before this one and is directly tied to it (the cause), but I cannot recall it.

I am in a parking lot (covered, multi-layered?) with another guy. I have to get somewhere and he is coming along for the ride. He is in a good mood, but is questioning what I'm doing and annoyed but still in good humour. Yeah, it's an odd mood to try to deal with, full of contradictions LOL
I have to switch from one car to another. The first car is fine though! Runs and looks great. But, it is something i don't have a choice about, I'm supposed to switch to this other car. I am worried about the car I am leaving. What's going to happen to it, how do I move it later?
We get into the second car. At one point I am seeing things from the passenger's point of view. The inside looks much wider. The sun visors are wider, and seem an older style like a 70's Cadillac. Both cars are white I think.
This car has a nicer interior, far more comfortable. More elements to it as well, but on the outside they didn't look that different.
The person with me is a bit annoyed but laughing about it ... because I seem to be taking a longer time than needed to move from one car to the other and start off. But everything seems OK, you know?

***

My first guess is that this is a spiritual growth thing. Both people are most likely me. Perhaps me as I am and me as I expect others to react to me. Cars often represent our bodies, so as you can see teh interior is more expansive and stuff. Which means inside I've grown spiritually. Because it isn't full doo-dads, what I notice most is the room the comfyness (oh, THIS must represent me being more comfortable with myself, and it has happened fro the inside out and that I have realized inside I'm like God would want me to be) and the sun visor.
Sun visor's keep the sun out of your eyes, and sometimes they have mirrors on the other side of them but I didn't notice that on this one. That is a protection for you as you drive. SO, I think it means I am being well protected (at least on how the outside may blind me).
I think it is a positive assessment dream :)

I was anxious in switching cars because who isn't a bit anxious when change comes? I also didn't know why and didn't care for the idea that I felt I was being TOLD to do it that I HAD to. This may be how work is treating me (our Team Leader). But this dream is confirming that it is not MY FAULT and that I am OK.

If you would like to add any coments I'd greatly appreciate it! I must go to work now. I had the day off wed after working in that one stressful dept for 2 days straight. today I get to be in the other dept, so it wil be nice!

Workiezzz ~ Worst Day Ever

2008-05-05T23:13:00.003-05:00

woah ...

I mean .... OMG woah!

no mere words can ever properly retell this day!

Our team leader was PISSED! and it was not work related!

Ush, I haven't been this tense since I was naively still living with my family back in 2003! No, that wasn't so bad. It was more tense in college, which is why I drank. Social lubrication. It was because i was SO WORKING ON/HOPEFUL that college would be a fresh start for me .. I had worked so hard to make it through high school with my own personal ... well, SOUL really.

I mean, before I knew anything, as soon as she (the team leader) was moments from coming into the door, I bunched up my shoulders forward or in or something tense like.

It was horrible. She was mad, pissed off, angry, out of sorts, upset, al of that
BUT she was quiet about it and then loud about it then quiet about it again.
real Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. She'd shout out of her office at us, then the next moment she'd be laughing at something, then she'd chew us out for not doing things her way and in her timing, and then you'd go in with something she had to see and she'd say good job sincerely.

I mean ... I actually broke out! I was shaking! I was actually SWEATING! I even jumped! I was SCARED no TERRIFIED of her. My forehead broke out in this red thing. I haven't acted this way since having to try to figure out how to deal with my Gemini mother!

I had to fight hard not to totally go back to the way I did with her. But, in large parts I failed. It's so automatic, trained, ingrained in me, it makes me sick. No child should be trained like this.
To be terrified of their own mother, birth (like mine) or not. To do things to please her not because it pleases her but because you are hoping to APPEASE her. You run the risk of not doing things because of any self-will of heart or head, but from reactions from others. Well, pre-reactions, where you try to guess how they might react, and worrying how they will react later.
So, in fact, you aren't yourself. You are constantly ... THEM. If I do what they do, maybe they will like me. Because they don't seem to like me as me, and since they seem to think they are so great, if I act like them then I will be safe. Because 1) they don't like what I do and try to have themselves as my example to do things so if I just skip some steps and do what they do and be like they are that will fix that and 2) if they don't like what I do and it happens when I am actually being like them then it shows that they are not as great as they think and they will actually be insulting themselves and what sense would that make for someone taking the time and effort to attack me to attack themselves?
I love people, but you are very strange and contradictory.

anyways, I don't want to go into the details of work. It's just that all three of us were stressed out, and we ended up having to go to our team leader's boss, which we shouldn't have to and didn't want to do! But, we had to do it because it just got to be too much and it was getting less and less work related but it was negatively affecting our ability to do our jobs more and more.

"petty high school stuff" as the boss told her when she had to come and bring us all together for a meeting about it. And, our boss, she has enough personal things to worry about in her own life AND she covers a lot of people in many departments so she has a LOT on her plate. I like her though. She has a fun attitude and is very approachable. She seems very intuitive, although I don't think she would recognize it as that. But, she just had this sense that I would be the perfect addition to this section to have it work great! And the team leader has been a great teacher and seemed to me to have a big heart. But, I have come in at a time where I've seen her falling away from that.

I wish I was more healed, more aware, more "spiritually powerful" so I could help her to help herself more, so as to have avoided such a naked display of disassociation form her true self and miscommunication with others and misinterpretation. Oh well.

it didn't help that there are so many idiots on the road. Too many are so childish-bratty and selfish and disregarding of anybody else! They want you to go 15 over in the slow lane even with an empty passing lane! They will also ride your bumper for miles just cause you decided since you were a bit ahead off them when they came onto the road from an entrance ramp you sped up to be in front of them, THEN they will cut off a car trying to get over into the lane they just got into to keep MORE people from getting in front of them, because they have to WIN. Lord forbid you allow yourself to get upset at them, for it is them that have been offended so to hell wiht how you care.
SHEESH, this HAS to stop. This is worse than catching people who run red lights and speed and other little things! They want to put cameras on more stoplights and signs to catch those who run them ... that is not as important as witnessing this kind of road idiocy! GAWD

snyways, this team leader is severely blocking the true core of her suffering and misery, I can't read it, she won't let anybody in. I fear a big part of it now is LANES or Lower Astral Negative Entities. Some may call them demons. I don't know what they are exactly, maybe just energy forms, but they tend to pull us more into destructive behaviours based on destructive deceptions. But, they trick us into thinking we are right to act/think/feel that way and even give us authoritative figures like books teachers family friends church religion etc to give us false reasons to do things.

I see it all the time and it makes me so sad and confused and frustrated and angry! If only we all knew the truth, and not dogma, we'd all be better off. Because only truth can bring real love, and only true love can bring real truth.

I should have known it would be a day like this. I had a bunch of dreams that I cannot recall the details of, but I had a terrible night's sleep with them in my head. They were working dreams. But not mission or "dreaming I am at work" but DRUDGERY dreams. Things at work have been leading towards petty drudgery for the past 2 weeks, but were teh most obvious on Thursday Friday and today. Thursday this same person embarrassed me in the hall in front of other associates over SHORTS. I wore shorts for the first time and that is not allowed, but I didn't read that. I had a good attitude to her, I gave her no lip. I told her sorry, I won't do it again after today, I will ask Robyn or read the rules again.
But, really, I had much more important matters on my plate because I was the only one at this other department again, so I had to concentrate on that. I really wanted to improve and get everything done this time. I had morning stuff, late afternoon stuff, a big room to take care of, and then things that would come up during the day to take care of. I was working really hard to do as much as I could!
I had some time to also check my office r-mails, and one really shocked me. Later it made me upset, and then angry.
It was actually a reply from Robyn the boss over our dept and others carbon copied to me. It was from my team leader, who hadn't even considered sending me a copy of the original herself! Luckily Robyn felt I should be included in the reply since it was about me. It was marked HIGH IMPORTANCE, you know how you can mark e-mails in Outlook. And it was very condescending and really dishonest in attempting to make her side of things sound perfectly legitimate and making me sound like a rebellious idiot. It didn't say how she confronted me in the hall.
YES IT WAS ABOUT ME WEARING SHORTS ... HIGH IMPORTANCE ... AND I WASN'T EVEN WORKING IN HER DEPARTMENT
sheesh! and they were decent shorts. Khaki, to the knee and covering, no holes, nice.
It would have been one thing if they were too short or bad, AND it would have made more sense if I gave her lip about it and was trying to get away with something. I wasn't, it was a mistake, is all, and JUST SHORTS after all.
So, that put a stressful emotional kink into my day, which I really didn't need in trying to accomplish my goals single-handedly! Luckily I was able to accomplish those goals and in plenty of time! I did a really good job, I must say, and was told :D
But, that still made me mad. How to my face was saying "hi" and pretending to be my friend and that I could talk to her and be myself around her, and then she does something like this.
anyways, I got to talk to a co-worker about it,and then later I decided I had to talk to Robyn about it. I wasn't going to. But I am getting better at being strong enough to say no, and to express when I feel things are not fair. Robyn not only listened, she saw how I felt the way I did, and added more. She was the one who added that Beth was wrong to dress me down for wearing shorts in a hallway where other workers were, embarrassing me in front of them. I hadn't even thought of that!

anyways, Friday she was a tad off but it seemed OK. At the end of the day, my birthday, an error was made that led to her ROARING today. Of course it isn't the real cause, but she latched onto it as a shield for whatever is really bugging her. My 2 co-workers in this department (with her) offered to help pitch in to pay for pizza, but she insisted in doing it. She also insisted on buying 4 one-topping pizzas. She said she spent a fortune on them but the truth is it came to about $20.00. Tell me the last time you were able to get 4 nice-sized (what size were they, mediums? They were Pizza Mia by Pizza Hut) for $20? Well, the lady that was in from the other place I work was invited and we all had our fill, and the pizza stayed there all day and we were told that if anybody wanted more there it was.
so, it comes to the very end of the day, time to go home, and there was all this pizza left. So, my co-worker thought since it was bought for my birthday, I should take the leftovers home with me. I hadn't even considered this, I was about to walk out the door with the rest of my stuff (3 cards 3 balloons, a candle w/holder gift, cupcakes, and cake) but my co-worker said I should take them all, so I did.
and, to be honest, and no offense, but the team leader really didn't need any more pizza. She ate more than enough for lunch. And she is so overweight and unhealthily so now that she can hardly take many steps without being winded! I do not say that to be mean or to judge her it is simply a fact.

WELL

she stewed about that pizza ALL WEEKEND LONG!
And that is what she was most steamed about on Monday to write an email to that co-worker that said I could take the pizza and to be her reason to stress us all out and to be all pissed off and angry and impossible and Jekyll and Hyde and so on!

PIZZA!

how petty can you get, it's only pizza.

I can see how it would upset me if I were in her position, but I am not in a point in my life anymore where I'd stew about it ALL WEEKEND and then make matters worse on Monday for everybody!

***

Otherwise I like it there. This is the first mention here that i have a job, because I worry that my family might find this and then know everything about me again. Mostly my dad. He is a real piece of manipulating work! Never listening, always talking and expecting you to listen to his oh-so-logical things that you should naturally follow and just forget the foolish ways you wanted to follow. Because obviously you are too childish and stupid and retarded enough to ever be up to his par. He's only helping after all, us poor less-thans. It's cute that you would think you had a better idea to do things than he does, but really now .... just come around to his way of thinking now because you will eventually anyway because he knows just the perfect way to do things like never will no matter how much time and effort you put into it.

Truth hurts you
it also hurts me sometimes
but really, your pain is far more important than mine.
Mine is just me being wrong and selfish and having a syndrome
I couldn't possibly matter enough to have my own way of seeing things.
Seeing through
Seeing YOU as you really are not as you fantasize your broken self to be.
I pity you, to be like a Sadducee to Jesus.
To be so antithetically aware of the Truth

Dreamzzz ~ Driving Mistake and mis-heard breakfast, School Bathroom, Friend Helps Friend Get a Date

2008-05-04T10:38:00.003-05:00

Driving from someplace with a good male friend (nobody I know in real life)
at one point I stop to try to decide where to go next.
Soon I look up and see that I am in a left turn lane on the wrong side of the road!
Another male driver is there, patiently waiting for me to see him and get out of his way. I am embarrassed a little, but move out of his way and on down the road.
Next I stop at a place that serves breakfast and go inside. It's busy!
It's finally my turn.
Just as I step forward, I see what I want but I'm not sure so I'm studying the menu (it has an orange background) but it switches to another menu too fast for me to tell her what I want! It's like a plasma screen. So, I hem and haw trying to figure out what I want. Finally I just say something from memory, not on the present menu. But, when she goes to make it, she makes something different. I try to better explain what I want, but she still doesn't get it. Some male behind me kindly tells me that what she's making will be good too and not that much more in price, so it's OK. It calms me right down! I wasn't too agitated, but I DID want what I actually ordered, you know?
I get served the food, and it smells and looks so delicious, and so much better than what I had actually ordered, and it turns out it was being sold at a very special price, so it all turned out great!

***

I am in a school type place. I know my schedule, I have like 3-4 classes with a nice space between all of them. I am just getting out of one class, and I have to go to the bathroom. Apparently this is a uni-sex bathroom because there are two females there. Older I think? At least one of them is telling me that what I am wearing is wrong. I go into a stall with a door to get space between her because she is complaining about what I am wearing and she's female and I don't want to pee in front of her. So then she sees my feet below the stall and tels me they are not for me to pee in that is what the urinals are for, on the other side of the room.
This lady is being very annoying!
I can't go pee whilst being talked to, I can't go pee whilst being talked to by a female, I can't go pee whilst being talked to by a female judging me!
AHHHHHH
SO, I tell her she is right. What I am wearing is wrong, but I can't change it now, can I? She quiets her voice and agrees. I say some other stuff, she backs off. Not sure why lol
Well, I start to pee, but then I hear a bunch of guys in the stall to the left of me.
It's like a meeting place for them, their office. They weren't doing anything but talking.
I finally am able to ignore them enough to pee ... I think. I think I've forgotten about that by now, lol!
I leave the stall, and they do at the same time. They talk to me as we walk around. I'm trying to recall where I go to next, do I have another class? When is it? What time is it now?

***

Now I am in a bar type place. I am looking at two young guys in their early 20's (that seem Asian to me) and a beautiful woman. One of the guys seems to be hitting it off quite well with this lady, and his friend is coaching him and stuff. She either doesn't hear him doing it or doesn't notice. He isn't as nervous this time because his friend has and is giving him good coaching and this girl is a very nice sweet smart beautiful woman. It's all going so well in fact that his friend has to switch tact and convince him that just because everything is going great doesn't mean it will all turn out to wrong.
This girl does seem perfect for this guy, and his friend is also a perfect friend. His friend also seems to have a keen psychic insight into people, so he can help them to be the best they can be and also can tell what they are really like. He can also sense if things "switch". It is very nice of him to help this person, who only needs a little guidance and teaching. He is very receptive to it!
The end of the dream isn't clear. She may get up to go dance with him or to leave this place with him, or something.

Dreamzzz ~ Alone in a Crowded House

2008-04-30T10:59:00.002-05:00

I am in the woods or ... something. Everything is open and green and sunny.
Someone keeps coming after me. Sister?
Eventually I decide to go to the one place they won't think to find me ... their own house.
So, I put some of my stuff in this room and go to sleep there. Sometimes I can hear them talking. Them or just her? Who is she talking to?
I know she knows it's my birthday coming up. I fear she can use this to find me no matter where I am!
I wake up and know she is inviting a bunch of people over. I am not sure why, but it makes me curious to stay and paranoid to go at the same time.
I look out the window (I now find out I am not on the first floor, more likely the 2nd perhaps 3rd) and see a bunch of people in a car that has backed into the driveway or yard. There are a lot of people!
I stay for a moment, curious if they are here for me or her.
They feel they are not here for me.
So, I have to decide if I am going ot reveal myself and/or get away. I consider revealing myself and telling them things, but I realize they won't care.
So, I start grabbing clothes from my drawers and stuffing them into something and planning how i can get away without being seen.
And that is how the dream ends.

Dreamzzz ~ Dad Doesn't Recognize Me

2008-04-29T13:22:00.002-05:00

I am coming from somewhere that I have been for awhile (I cannot recall the details, but things happened there in the dream) and I am now walking somewhere else.
On the way, I meet a man that I think is my dad. He smiles at me and asks "hi, um, you seem familiar for some reason, do I know you?"
This creeps me out. It also makes me angry and upset. But it is also the truth. He won't be able to recognize me once I become my/God's vision of me and no longer his vision of me.
I mumble something and keep on walking. But I'm afraid he may figure it out, so when I get to the place I am going to (like a residence) I panic a bit wondering what I'm going to do if he remembers and shows up.

Dreamzzz ~ We Dreamt of Each Other

2008-04-26T11:56:00.001-05:00

I visited a friend a couple hours away that I had met in URU, online. This was our first meeting. I arrived Friday night and was to leave Sunday. Sunday morning I found out that the night before we had both dreamed of each other.
Additional note: we stayed in separate bedrooms and are just friends. She was directly across the hall from me. So, I don't know why we dreamed of each other yet.

HER DREAM:
she dreams that we are in a version of her house and she is doing something with my laundry. I think I asked her to, or something. That's about it.

MY DREAM:
I dream I am in a version of her house. I hear something that woke me up, so I got up to investigate. I go into the living room and a man is standing there (awake later talking to her it may be one of her sons) and we talk a bit.
Then, I walk by the bathroom. The door is open. I wonder if the person I am visiting is in there, so I peek in. I realize that whoever is in there is using the shower. I consider going in to see who, I somehow know it is a woman I know, but I can't quite tell if it is my friend or not. SO, I don't go through the threshold.
Next, I go into the bedroom next to mine (same side of the hall). There is a man and a woman. I interact with the woman sometimes.
After that, I leave this room and see my net-friend in her bed room across the hall. I walk towards it.

That's about all I can recall.

MovieZZZ ~ "The Forbidden Kingdom"

2008-04-23T22:01:00.002-05:00

first off, this movie is AWESOME! so, if you want to see a really good movie, see this.

but also, it happens to have a lot of symbolism in it!

sparrow - it's a bird you wouldn't think would have much of a chance -vs- predators, but it can hold it's own against them! wolves, hawks, it's good! sparrow then can represent someone who will be good at going up against a tyrant. And this is just what Golden Sparrow does against the jade warrior.
Also, the witch with the white hair is said to be born of wolves, and a raptor-bird sound plays many times with her. A sound like a hawk or eagle.